Where are all the divorcees?

[Yourcatisnotsorry]

So apparently half of all marriages end in divorce in the UK. And average divorce duration is 12 years into a marriage.

In my (large) extended family we have 2 divorces in around 50 marriages. I have one close friend who divorced a few years ago and one school mum out of all the school families we know which is about 180 kids though I don’t know if the current parents couples are ok second marriages etc.

I’ve known a few colleagues go through divorce over the years but just a small handful (appreciate not everyone talks about it).

I’m mid 40s so it’s not like I’m too young to go through the friend divorce cycle boom.

Are the stats wrong? Do I have a weird social circle? Are people having secret divorces?

yanbu - divorcing is rare now
yabu - loads of divorced people about

I agree actually. I don’t know that many people who are divorced. There are 15 kids in my child’s class, all parents are married.

My husband is one of five siblings all in their 40s and 50s and all on their first marriages.

I'm divorced. 1st marriage was short, ex was abusive. The vast majority of families at my DCs school would have no idea about the first marriage. You can't possibly know about others pasts and it's really not your business to know.

I'm divorced.

Research suggests (admittedly pretty old research) that more people from lower social classes divorce.

Im with you op
I don't understand the stats either.

Across both DH & i we have

• 3 divorces in extended family. We have large families on both sides, far more long happy marriages than divorces.
• 1 friend who had a brief marriage last under a year, no kids
• i know three school mums (out of two classes of 30 kids) who are single parents but weren't ever married.

I think it is more common among some social circles than others.

I agree op. I’m a single mum but apart from me I know few people who are divorced. One in my kids class at school. I wonder is it’s a socio economic thing or a religious thing? My kids go to a religious school that’s fairly middle class.

I’m divorced and wondering where they all are too. I don’t know anyone at work who is also a lone parent. Possibly everyone is just on their second marriage?

In my family as a group, noone has divorced on my mums line, so great grandparents grandparents all aunts and uncles all still married and me and dh the only ones so far of my "genetation" to be married but I'm older than my siblings and cousins, were 12 years this year

On my dad's side both his brothers divorced first wives, one remarried one long term relationship

In my dc class of 28 I know of one parent who is on her 3rd marriage, I've never met that child's bio father only step dad,
One child whose parents divorced pretty soon after having them and everyone else is either married still or never married (as pp said could be we just don't know about past marriage/divorces and why would we)

We've had 1 divorce in the friendship group, had been married 8 years

Question though when they say a percent of marriages end in divorce do we look at a generation spread? I think it should be broken down within age groups so what %30-40yo divorced? And take that as your sample?

It’s a bit odd to wonder if ‘the stats are wrong’ because you personally don’t know many divorced people. 1 in 2 people get cancer too – have you tallied that up?

In my family (close and extended) almost everyone has been divorced at least once (not me, yet...), so that probably balances out all you people who stick it out to the bitter end.

There are divorces in my family and in-laws but the people concerned are aged about 70+. I agree that among the younger generation of friends, family and school families, (and I'm almost 40 so not particularly young) I know very few people who have divorced.

I think it's more common in certain circles, you'll get someone come on here and tell you that's because people don't take relationships seriously nowadays and they will throw a marriage away on nothing, but I think it's just because in some circles it's still seen as 'not the done thing' to get married and you get encouraged to stay in unhappy marriages because 'yeah but all men are like that' or 'Why do you mean you are unhappy, look at your house and your life, how could you be unhappy' or 'the grass isn't greener you know' or 'it's silly to divorce over the fact he hasn't cleaned up after himself or the kids in 12 years and only looks out for himself, it's not like he cheated on you'.
People get very strange about marriage breakdowns, they will say it's because marriage is meant to be for life, when what they actually mean is that they think being married entitles you to act like an arsehole or not pull your weight or not put any effort in and the other person has to just forgive you because marriage.

Within my family my mum had a short first marriage (longer on paper because he was an arsehole about the divorce) which you'd never know about at the school gate. My aunty was divorced and never remarried, but everyone else my generation or above is married or in long term relationships.

At school I think it's different. I have no idea which of most of DC's friends' parents are married or not, but there are a significant number of single parents. I run a Brownie group and see similar with them - most have parents in a couple but many not married, and there's a significant minority of single parents. But it may just be in both cases that more will divorce in the future. I'd say we're more or less an upper-working/lower-middle class area.

I'm divorced out of my circle of friends 2 remain married. One happily
3 divorced 2 very happy childfree and never married.

Indeed. In my family there's very much an attitude of "life's too short for this shit". Interestingly though, most of the divorcees are on good terms with their exes. The family tree is a tangled thicket, but most people stay in it.

I don’t think, at 30, I’m quite at the age where divorces really kick in yet. DH and I have had a good 5 years, probably longer, of wedding after wedding after wedding all through the summers, so I guess stats indicate that some of those marriages will end in divorce sooner or later, but as it stands, none yet, as far as I’m aware.
That being said, of my parents, husbands parents, plus aunties and uncles, there’s (I think!) 13 marriages, with 5 divorces. So I suppose thts about what you’d expect, working on the 50% stat. Interestingly all but one of those divorces are my side… and two members of my family have each had two divorces.

I know many people of their second and third marriages into their 40s, so I am assuming lots of posters also know people who remarried and just don't go around saying I am one of the 50%

Your experience has highlighted the issue with calculating divorce rates, which has been known but doesn't make for good headlines if corrected. The DR is usually calculated by number of marriages divided by number of divorces in a year per 1000 pop. This is where the figures come from, but never been 50 percent, peaked at 46 in America. But it doesn't identify who is getting divorced or when they originally got married, which is critical. So it could include those married a year and those married 40 years, who for 39 years weren't divorced. It also doesn't account for lower marriage rates. So if 10 per 1000 of population got married and 2 per 1000 divorced in a year then DR is 20 percent. But if only 5 per 1000 got married then DR is 40 percent, but same number getting divorced.
Much better measurement is how many marriages reach certain milestones. Much harder to measure as you have to include dates of marriage in divorce stats. But if you say 20 percent of all marriages in 2000 ended in divorce you would have a better picture.
And there are socioeconomic differences so depends which group you are in.
And there has been a prolonged attack on marriage as an institution over the last 50 years, so it also fits a narrative to normalise divorce when it actually isn't normal for most people or most children.

Isn’t it a misleading statistic to say that half of marriages end in divorce?
I take it mean (made up figures for illustration only) that if there are 100 marriages a year, there are also 50 divorces ie half the number.
It doesn’t take into account all the marriages from previous years that are still going strong.

So my husbands parents and all of his aunties and uncles all got divorced (would have been married in the 80's and 90's). One of his cousins is divorced but the rest of them don't tend to get married. I think it is more common for people to have long term relationships for 6-12 years and then split up. Whereas years ago they would have been married, they just never bothered. Out of our friends (early 50's) we probably have 2 couples who are divorced (both as the result of the wife having affairs - obviously you don't know what else was going on to get them to that point, but that is what triggered the split). I also know a couple of people who have seperated, living apart but haven't gone through the process of divorce as they don't need the hassle of it all at the moment and it is an amicable split.

The majority of my friends are divorced. All good income, middle class. Most of the reasons were around alcoholism, adultery and the chap generally being an arse, and were initiated by the woman (my own divorce included).

That's not how they calculate it. The DR doesn't indicate the number of failed marriages. It is a rate of divorces per 1000 people against rate of marriages at any given time. A rate is two variables compared and when one changes, for example number of marriages, the other can be the same figure but the rate will change.
The DR is not a probability or measure of divorce. And that's the problem because it's interpreted as just that. Especially when marriage rate is falling which will increase the rate without the actually number of divorces increasing.

No divorces in my immediate family, but it’s very small! In my friendship group there have been three divorces, but all went on to marry again and have children (apart from one who had their children with their previous partner). Another three have married divorcees. Four are living together and unmarried. The other 6 have only married once.

I’ve no idea whether my child’s friend’s parents have ever been divorced. Unless you were very good friends I’m not sure how you would know.

Put it like this. If 1 person in 1000 people got married this year and 5 people per 1000 divorced then the DR would be 500 percent. Which is nonsense. That illustrates the issue.

I should say nonsense when considering the likelihood of divorce. It obviously has a meaning. The meaning being 5 times as many people are divorcing this year than getting married, which has no bearing on how long marriages actually last.