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Original poster

Did I treat my male friend badly?

59 replies

Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:33

I did this a year ago and now feel stupid.

We worked together at the time (I no longer work there) we were close, we didn't always work the same shifts but we stayed in touch even when we weren't.

I was interested initially, he asked me for a coffee and I accepted, I went but wasn't feeling it in the end. I didn't really know what I wanted.
After our coffee he asked me for a date, but I stupidly made an excuse I was busy. He took it well and didn't push it any further. A few days later he started to talk to me again, not mentioning a date at all, just normal chatting. I admit I was very cold with him and took days to reply, he ended up saying he hoped he hadn't made me uncomfortable by asking me out and he hadn't intended to.

I didn't want to say the truth so I just claimed I'd been ill. I felt guilty so I started chatting again and then a week later I said we should go for another coffee.

We did and then I was a bit distant again afterwards. I stopped speaking to him unless he spoke to me first, he asked to meet again and I just made an excuse, I pretended I hadn't seen his text.
In the end he messaged me being honest and saying he should distance himself a little as it was all confusing his head and he was attracted to me.

I felt bad, pretended it was about work and not about him but that I understood. I said I didn't want things to be awkward with us at work but he assured me he'd never be awkward with me. He took my rejection well and said he understood and that it was no big deal kinda thing.

And to be fair he never mentioned it again whatsoever, he was never funny with me, he was friendly but never pushed boundaries. We didn't talk as much but eventually he started to talk more, though not as much as he used to.

I admit I never initiated any conversation first and I was deliberately being cold in my messages.
He seemed to get the hint from my coldness and stopped messaging.

About a month later he asked how I was doing and said he never heard from me anymore. I felt bad so started to be a bit more friendly.

Months had passed by this point, it was his birthday and he invited me out with a group. I felt bad so I said I'd go, but then made an excuse in the end. If I saw him at work I was friendly but I never, ever initiated any convo first and I think this upset him.

I also started to ignore some of his messages which I feel bad for. He got the hint and completely stopped talking to me or acknowledging me, and we've not spoken since .

I think he didn't understand why I didn't even want a friendship. He didn't pressure me about the dating at all, the worst he did was ask for a date and said I was attractive. When I rejected him he dropped the issue immediately and was still friendly but respected my boundaries.

I know I hurt him by rejecting him as a person and being cold. Should I apologise? I don't know why I did this tbh he didn't deserve it. He was probably confused as I used to speak to him lots then started ignoring unless he spoke to me first.

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 07/06/2024 20:37

Wow, you've confused me!

Do you want a friendship with him?

Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:39

SheepAndSword · 07/06/2024 20:37

Wow, you've confused me!

Do you want a friendship with him?

He was a lovely guy and I guess I pushed him away. I kept him at arms length and I don't know why as he did nothing wrong. He asked me out once and was nice with me even when I was cold and off, until he'd finally had enough.

OP posts:
RubaiyatOfAnyone · 07/06/2024 20:42

You don’t say anywhere in your post why you acted as you did. You’re aware it wasn’t a reaction to his actions, so have you worked out why you did it?

Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:43

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 07/06/2024 20:42

You don’t say anywhere in your post why you acted as you did. You’re aware it wasn’t a reaction to his actions, so have you worked out why you did it?

I guess I didn't want to 'lead him on'. But from his point of view he thought we were mates yet I acted as though I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:46

I know I acted badly and the whole time he was still nice to me. I just thought if I messaged first at any point it might be leading him on, but I shouldn't have needed to act like that even half a year later.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2024 20:48

You communicate DREADFULLY. Actually very very poorly.

Take some assertiveness courses. Say what you mean, mean what you say. You cannot avoid all discomfort in life so deal with it quickly and kindly and CLEARLY.

DaughterNo2 · 07/06/2024 20:50

How many threads today? You posted earlier about having issues with your partner?

Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:51

DaughterNo2 · 07/06/2024 20:50

How many threads today? You posted earlier about having issues with your partner?

Right, and they're two different people.

OP posts:
WayOutOfLine · 07/06/2024 20:52

This isn't great behaviour, but it's done now, move on.

Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:53

WayOutOfLine · 07/06/2024 20:52

This isn't great behaviour, but it's done now, move on.

I was thinking I should apologise, but yeah maybe it's pointless now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 21:03

I did really like chatting to him and we had a lot in common, he was lovely and nice-looking, but I made him feel bad.

OP posts:
TinaYouFatLard · 07/06/2024 21:11

I shouldn’t think he’s giving it all a second thought.

time2changeCharlieBrown · 07/06/2024 21:14

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2024 20:48

You communicate DREADFULLY. Actually very very poorly.

Take some assertiveness courses. Say what you mean, mean what you say. You cannot avoid all discomfort in life so deal with it quickly and kindly and CLEARLY.

This 💯

TheRealShatParp · 07/06/2024 21:16

Leave it now. Really no point going to him with an apology. Particularly if you communicate poorly still as it'll just be another mind fuck. I doubt it plays on his mind anyway.

Livelaughlurgy · 07/06/2024 21:21

Leave him alone. He's gotten the "hint" so don't confuse the issue by talking to him again and then ignoring him again so that he'll get the hint again. In future "I had a great time but I think we're better off as friends" is the way to end the date.

WayOutOfLine · 07/06/2024 21:24

I don't think he'll feel better if you turn up a year later and apologise when he and you have moved on and don't have contact, it'll rake it all up again. Is there some reason this is playing on your mind? It sounds like you are worried about other things, and are focusing on the past. For his sake, just let it go now.

abouttoturn50 · 07/06/2024 21:46

Looking at your other post, are you feeling bad about the way you treated this friend because you've now found yourself on the receiving end of similar behaviour from the guy you're seeing?? 🤔

LunaMay · 07/06/2024 21:55

Leave the poor guy alone.

DoreenonTill8 · 07/06/2024 21:57

LunaMay · 07/06/2024 21:55

Leave the poor guy alone.

Quite, do you think he's been sitting pining for a love lost?

MagnusCanis · 07/06/2024 22:03

From a man: yes. You did. You fucked with his head and he's probably definitely better off without you in his life.

I just thought if I messaged first at any point it might be leading him on
You still led him on anyway to one degree or another, blowing hot and cold, accepting invitations and then flaking, responding to some messages and not others. Poor guy hasn't got a clue what he did wrong (nothing).

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 07/06/2024 22:06

Sorry OP but you were nasty to him and yes he probably was quite hurt

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 07/06/2024 22:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2024 20:48

You communicate DREADFULLY. Actually very very poorly.

Take some assertiveness courses. Say what you mean, mean what you say. You cannot avoid all discomfort in life so deal with it quickly and kindly and CLEARLY.

This. You created the drama.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 07/06/2024 22:10

I voted Yanbu as for sure you are right. You did treat him badly.
WTAF.
HORRIBLE.
Don‘t get in touch to apologise though. Leave the poor guy alone.

Chiarali · 07/06/2024 22:24

Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 20:33

I did this a year ago and now feel stupid.

We worked together at the time (I no longer work there) we were close, we didn't always work the same shifts but we stayed in touch even when we weren't.

I was interested initially, he asked me for a coffee and I accepted, I went but wasn't feeling it in the end. I didn't really know what I wanted.
After our coffee he asked me for a date, but I stupidly made an excuse I was busy. He took it well and didn't push it any further. A few days later he started to talk to me again, not mentioning a date at all, just normal chatting. I admit I was very cold with him and took days to reply, he ended up saying he hoped he hadn't made me uncomfortable by asking me out and he hadn't intended to.

I didn't want to say the truth so I just claimed I'd been ill. I felt guilty so I started chatting again and then a week later I said we should go for another coffee.

We did and then I was a bit distant again afterwards. I stopped speaking to him unless he spoke to me first, he asked to meet again and I just made an excuse, I pretended I hadn't seen his text.
In the end he messaged me being honest and saying he should distance himself a little as it was all confusing his head and he was attracted to me.

I felt bad, pretended it was about work and not about him but that I understood. I said I didn't want things to be awkward with us at work but he assured me he'd never be awkward with me. He took my rejection well and said he understood and that it was no big deal kinda thing.

And to be fair he never mentioned it again whatsoever, he was never funny with me, he was friendly but never pushed boundaries. We didn't talk as much but eventually he started to talk more, though not as much as he used to.

I admit I never initiated any conversation first and I was deliberately being cold in my messages.
He seemed to get the hint from my coldness and stopped messaging.

About a month later he asked how I was doing and said he never heard from me anymore. I felt bad so started to be a bit more friendly.

Months had passed by this point, it was his birthday and he invited me out with a group. I felt bad so I said I'd go, but then made an excuse in the end. If I saw him at work I was friendly but I never, ever initiated any convo first and I think this upset him.

I also started to ignore some of his messages which I feel bad for. He got the hint and completely stopped talking to me or acknowledging me, and we've not spoken since .

I think he didn't understand why I didn't even want a friendship. He didn't pressure me about the dating at all, the worst he did was ask for a date and said I was attractive. When I rejected him he dropped the issue immediately and was still friendly but respected my boundaries.

I know I hurt him by rejecting him as a person and being cold. Should I apologise? I don't know why I did this tbh he didn't deserve it. He was probably confused as I used to speak to him lots then started ignoring unless he spoke to me first.

You don’t owe it to him to be attracted to him, or want to go out with him. You’re entirely entitled to say no to him. I think this is the real shift that you need to make in your own brain. Your post is full of ‘I felt bad’ ‘I felt guilty’. You don’t need to feel bad or feel guilty about not wanting something that a man wants. Hopefully when you realise this, it will make it easier for you to communicate that ‘no’ kindly and clearly and quickly, which will also be better for him, as he’ll know quickly where he stands rather than being unsure.

Original poster
Overpluckedmyeyebrows · 07/06/2024 22:29

Chiarali · 07/06/2024 22:24

You don’t owe it to him to be attracted to him, or want to go out with him. You’re entirely entitled to say no to him. I think this is the real shift that you need to make in your own brain. Your post is full of ‘I felt bad’ ‘I felt guilty’. You don’t need to feel bad or feel guilty about not wanting something that a man wants. Hopefully when you realise this, it will make it easier for you to communicate that ‘no’ kindly and clearly and quickly, which will also be better for him, as he’ll know quickly where he stands rather than being unsure.

Show quote history

I do understand that, and he took the rejection very well and didn't mention it again. I think the thing for him was that we were mates too but I just acted like I didn't even want to know him at all anymore, which for him was more upsetting than the dating thing.

OP posts: