To feel perpetually let down?

[CaptainCrocs]

People and the world just don’t act in the way I’d like them to act. AIBU to ask for help in how to ‘let it go’, ‘move on’ or am I stuck feeling sick and anxious about it forever.

My husband had been volunteering as a sports coach at the kids school and has been unceremoniously dumped.

My kids’ (I assume now previous) best mate of years has ditched him and didn’t invite him to his birthday this year.

Examples don’t sound like a big deal I suppose but there just seems to be constant little stuff just not going the way I’d like. Continually gets me down. Why don’t people behave in the way you expect them to behave? I get different people have different values but I just don’t understand why people act the way they do sometimes. And it always seems to be to my families detriment. Are others just sailing through life not giving shit? No one seems to care when you want to talk about what’s happened.

I think some people sweat the small stuff more than others but honestly I think most people’s kids have friend dramas at some point in their lives and most of us have been professionally or socially sidelined at some point ( although some jump before they’re pushed- maybe that’s the difference).

Feel for you. Op am sick of it too. My cousin was radio silence for year half then texts about what college my daughter got. People are so insincere now I think. You see it on here they cancel plans. Flakiness is peak. Lol

I thi k everyone goes through these kind of scenarios at some stage or other.
Everyone also deals with them differently, some people just dont talk about it so it may look like everything is going their way but they are dealing with it.

Try turn it around and see if you can put positive spin on it eg your DH has more free time to volunteer for another sports team.

Your childs friend didn’t invite him to his party ok this is lousy for him - and its hurtful, but it might be an opportunity to explore new friendships or try new groups etc

These things always happen together and it feels like you are having a run of bad luck but don’t worry it will all come good again.

Thank you. That helps. We are in a ‘run’ you’re right. I hope you’re also right it comes good again! Just a current feeling of a constant pummelling of feelings I think is all I can describe it as. I literally want to live and let live and as corny as it sounds be kind but I just don’t seem to find other people that are the same, they seem so much more fierce than me and every time I try to raise how I feel apparently I’m wrong and it’s thrown back at me about how I’m wrong and I have no comeback to that.

The thing is what's right for you, won't always be right for other people.

You feel your DC's friend shouldn't have ditched him, but that wouldn't be right for the friend.

Your DH's voluntary services are no longer required because it's not right for the school.

I think once people understand that and accept it as part of life, it's easier to cope with.

So how do you accept it and not feel upset? Especially if you feel your under constant attack from all sides? How to help it not feel like a personal attack?

You try to see events from other people's perspective, put yourself in your shoes? Understand that things you understand or feel as "attacks" weren't meant to be and you can also see them as a "natural" end to something that didn't work? And then focus on what's good in your life and new opportunities.

I suppose you just need to understand that (in the nicest possible way), it's not all about you/your family.

People will consider themselves and their own families first, just as I'm sure you've done countless times.

Some really good advice here OP. Yes, it hurts very very much to be left out or slighted without explanation. But it is useful to recognize these feelings, try to understand and get some perspective to be able to accept them without feeling destroyed or abandoned. Maybe ask yourself why does this hurt so much? Am I taking this too personally due to some former experience earlier in life? The fact is, taking these things personally, as a personal insult will not help you in anyway to recover. Do step back and try to see that maybe these things happened despite the facts that your dh and ds are good people. Basically, these incidents had nothing really to do with them. Do not take it personally. There will be other better explanations that will make more sense and relieve those misperceptions.

IMO the only way to avoid this is keep your circle small. Very, very small

I also struggle with this OP. I am regularly let down by other people, rightly or wrongly. Unfortunately, as I get older (only mid 30s so probably need to lighten up) I retreat more from social situations and I just don't feel it's worth it anymore.

I find most people shallow, insincere and selfish if I'm completely honest with you. I get that people need to put their own families first, totally understand, but putting yourself first? I'm someone who genuinely tries to compromise or put other people first and I'm sick of feeling like no one cares.

Also as I get older I start to see how hypocritical people are. They say one thing one day then something else the other. Or different things to different people. I can't deal with it. I like working with the truth.

My kids are young, I'm dreading the friendship issues as I struggled with them myself and know I'll struggle when they do too. You want the best for your kids and watching them get treated poorly must be really hard, even when you know they're just kids.

I don't know what to suggest really, I'm not sure you can force yourself to move on from how you feel. Although some of the advice about seems very good.

People and the world just don’t act in the way I’d like them to act.

You can’t change other people’s behaviour and you can’t control how others act.

It can be a hard pill to swallow but I try and go by the saying “Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react”.

Lower your expectations. Realise that everyone will have different standards and morals. Don’t take things to heart. Read up on the “Let Them” theory.

It's really imortant to first allow yourself to be upset and to feel all your feelings. Let it all out, and get in touch with part of you that is so hurt. Lovingly and without judgment, because all feelings are valid.

And then when you've come out the other side, downgrade the offending relationships accordingly.

I truly believe most people are good and kind. But when someone shows me they are less than I desire in my life, I downgrade them - or remove them completely. I'm pretty ruthless that way, because if my life is full of flakes, 'takers' and people I don't vibe with, there's no room for the reliable, reciprocal and suitable people.

I learned this when I cut out everyone who had any contact whatsoever with the abusive ex. It was a removal of trash that had been cluttering up my life, and I was left with 3 friends, my ex-husband, several acquaintances and my family. Those acquaintances soon became good friends, and they introduced me to more good people, who weren't flaky or morally questonable.

Natalie Lue is great on this, with her 'circles of trust' - and her whole website is great for all sorts of relationships: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/circle-of-trust-discernment/

Disappointment can only happen when you have expectations, and often we project our own good qualities onto others, and so expect them to act as we would. Whereas really we need to allow people to unfold, and only expect from them what they have a proven track record of being able to give.

When you are able to deeply know and accept that people's behaviour is about them not you, then you can let people go, understanding that you aren't losing anything, because you didn't have a true close friendship in the first place. You are just opening a door for one of the very many great people in this world to walk in.

Check out Byron Katie on YouTube and her audiobooks. ‘Loving What Is’ has some wisdom to take from it.

She’s woo-woo and out there (and not without controversy, some well founded) so take it with a pinch of salt but what I find edifying is the repetitive reminder that we cannot argue with reality; if we do, we lose 100% of the time. It’s about acceptance and ownership of our own response to the world. In a way it’s about being world weary but keeping your own values.

I know exactly where you are coming from OP. I had a supposed close friend of 10 years plus but when I couldn’t do her a favour because one of my DC was unwell (ie I ceased being useful to her) she dropped me like a hot brick. I spoke to another close friend about it and she said “oh she’s like that she only sees you or comes over when you are useful to her, I make myself useful to keep the friendship going.” I am not prepared to have a friend just because I’m useful.

Another friend again 10 years plus only interested in herself, everyone we met up “woe is me” making everyone feel sorry for her, I helped her and her DC put a lot, never once did she help me out. Never once did she ask how my DC were.

in relationships it always seems like I’m the one who is going out of my way doing the nice things so now at 50 I just concentrate on a few close friends and my immediate family.

This is all really kind and helpful advice thank you. I’ve actually tried really hard (perhaps too hard) to make my circle bigger and put ourselves as a family out there more in recent years and you’re right that bigger circle has definitely brought with it more opportunities to be disappointed. I guess it’s a choice now of retreating to save that pain or being able to implement what you point about about managing our reactions to that disappointment, hard when you’re the type to go over and over and over things in your head.