Friends Forever?

[Bunnymist]

A bit of a weird one, I've got really bad depression at the moment and wanted to see what other people thought.

I'll try to keep this short, so I've known my BFF for about 3 years. She has a lot of issues with her mental health. I am there literally WHENEVER. I've helped her though illness, MH crisis, uni, literally anything as I adore her.

It all really started when she announced she's getting married. She asked myself and her line manager of 8 months both to be her maid of honour.... but didn't tell either of us about the other one. A bit weird but okay.

Little things kept happening. We always get a takeaway every Saturday and watch a film, this line manager starts turning up. I'm taken aback at first, but okay she wants to join our friend group, no sweat. So it's now me, BFF, bff's fiance and line manager.

Things are going well, we go a few places.

I'm there one Saturday and they're on about a big lunch on Sunday. I say in passing have a nice lunch. Line manager says oh its been moved to tea now as we don't think we could manage a big lunch. So turns out BFF and fiance are going to line managers for tea. Okay they don't want to invite me, it's fine.

It's from here I noticed more things.

BFF needed to take her nan to get an outfit. LINE MANAGER went. Nan doesn't like her. She has fits if she gets anxious so it was a disaster.

I was so stressed with uni deadlines but BFF begged me to go and help pick out suits for her fiance and groomsmen 'or she'd have to invite line manager'
I moved meetings, deadlines, everything so I could go. I get in the car and line manager is already sat in there. I feel like BFF knew how important the meetings and deadlines were but tricked me into going. I went because she didn't want to invite line manager.

They went to meet their wedding planner BFF + fiance. Line manager went.

They went on a couples holiday and line manager drove up to them the next morning. They tried not to tell me but I saw a photo.

BFF promised she'd come and sit with me, go on some dog walks just to get me out of the house during her week off. Nothing.

I dont know how to feel now so I have distanced myself. I dodnt know whether to say to line manager to just be the maid of honour as I find the situation so uncomfortable. I'm supposed to be going on a weeks holiday in Cornwall in August with BFF, fiance and line manager. This was arranged months back when I wasn't feeling pushed out. I'm not sure what to do.

I have some physical problems, line manager volunteered me to drive everyone to cornwall. I can't physically drive for more than an hour so that's never going to happen.

Someone please give me some clarity as I don't know what to think. I know I'm depressed but I've been seeing signs before that. What would you do ?

I honestly don't see what the issue is. Most people have more than one friend and most do some things together and some things apart.

If you just call the ‘line manager’ a ‘good friend’ of your BFF, does that make it seem more comfortable? People are allowed to make new friends. You might feel a bit jealous but nothing will come of that so try and embrace this new person in your life.

I am sorry if you are feeling unsupported by your BFF at a time of need however. That’s tough when you are depressed anyway.

Dont make any rash decisions about not being maid of honour. That won’t end well for any of you.

Thanks for the advice. I have no problem with line manager, it's more being manipulated by BFF. Which is genuinely upsetting me. To the point I'm strongly considering walking away.

Have you asked your BFF if she is happy to have the line manager so involved in her life?
My own friend ( married) had a similar thing happen with her line manager (single). LM started always being on a break at the same time at work, giving her unnecessary gifts and inviting her for meals at her house. She gradually worked her way up to finding out where friend had booked her annual holiday and booked into the same exclusive resort. She only told my friend once it was all booked. Friend was horrified and cancelled the holiday but LM still wasnt deterred. Friend eventually had to leave her job as it was too claustrophobic.

Friends husband was also uncomfortable at LMs attempts to weasel her way into their lives and supported her job move. I wonder what BFFs fiance thinks about it all?

This all sounds a bit unusual

It sounds like you're all far too over involved in each others lives.

Does nobody have any boundaries or independence?

You should have said no to moving your deadlines and work.

But I don't see the issue with her having 2 good friends. Drop the whole BFF thing, you've only known her 3 years. Just be a good friend, enforce some adult boundaries, and ignore any drama.

Fiance is 'under the thumb'

Her line manager shouldn't really have such a close friendship with her if they have an imbalanced professional relationship too, it's asking for trouble.

What does her fiance make of it?!

People can have as many friends as they like, saying bff past the age of 14 is a bit ridiculous.
Do you not have any other friends yourself?

It was for ease, my closest friend lives 150 miles away. I'd consider her family. I moved when my brother unalived himself to support his mum.

I’m getting the impression you feel like BFF is playing puppet master with yourself, line manager, and fiancee?

3 years is not a long time OP, it sounds like you are seeing a side to her you maybe didn’t know about before and you don’t like it. It’s completely fine to not go on the holiday if you don’t want to, and completely fine to not be maid of honour if you don’t want to. You’re an adult and those decisions are yours to make. Yes, it may cause a drama, but it sounds like BFF is hellbent on causing dramas anyway.

If it’s taking up this much head space then it’s fine just for you to distance yourself from all the drama. I’m guessing by the fact that you refer to her other friend as “line manager” you don’t particularly get on with her so I’d suggest pulling out of the holiday too. Spend time with other friends more and don’t focus everything on this one friendship.

I used to know someone exactly like your 'BFF' years ago.

She'd have a new 'best friend' every couple of years, and would constantly play the old one off against the new one, so they were both almost 'fighting' over her.

Pathetic and childish but her mum and sister were exactly the same.

I'd ditch her and leave them to it OP. The new BFF will also probably be pushed out in the future.

Really appreciate the feedback

I think it's time for you to find another BFF tbh

People are allowed to have more than one friend.

Also, just because you're close with someone at some points in your life, that doesn't mean you have to be / will be as close as that with them forever. It's not a marriage. It's pretty normal to go through times when you see a friend a lot and times when you see them less often. You've only known for friend for three years. It's normal for friendships to wax and wane.

To be honest, I think you, your friend and 'line manager' all sound quite clingy and overly enmeshed in each other's lives, more like a bunch of teenagers than grown women. You ALWAYS get a takeaway EVERY Saturday together?! All sounds very suffocating to me.

BFF needed to take her nan to get an outfit. LINE MANAGER went. Nan doesn't like her. She has fits if she gets anxious so it was a disaster

Is there anyone in this story who just manages to get through life in a normal, drama-free way? Is your friend's fiance also this intense?

I am there literally WHENEVER. I've helped her though illness, MH crisis, uni, literally anything as I adore her.

Never do this. It doesn't work out well in the end. I know because I've done it, ended up feeling rejected and used like you. I then read therapists etc explaining how you have to have your own boundaries. Never drop everything for someone else. For now, take a step back.

This explains it well:

https://www.calm.com/blog/9-tips-for-setting-healthy-boundaries

I think you need to step back as it sounds like you are being used and manipulated. Wait and see if your best friend reaches out and spends some time with just you, if not you have your answer.

Also it’s quite strange for a manager from her work being involved in her personal life so I would stay out of all of that too.

oh and no don’t go to Cornwall, you can’t do the driving and you don’t enjoy it if you are stuck there with everyone.

hope you move on and make some better friends.

Exactly, I now know after a nervous breakdown suicidal etc etc and therapy that I was being used by all sorts of people, including close friends. I still get hurt and upset and confused but I have boundaries in place nowadays and say no.