Is it often best to stay quiet?

[TippingPoint10]

I always feel the urge to challenge and ask the reasons why but is it often better to just not bother and keep quiet? This is just one little Eg child has been left out of the school football team despite always previously being included (and still definitely being good enough!), AIBU to challenge the school to find out why? Or does that just cause problems down the line? I find I make assumptions as to why something has happened and find I can see the ways in which people might respond and provide a rebuttal to what I’ve said but yet I feel like I still want them to know my point of view? But is it worth it?

There is a middle ground between not saying anything and challenging

That's the path the find

In the example you've given, yes of course it's worth it.

But I'd stop using the word 'challenge' if I were you because it sounds confrontative.

You're asking a simple question that's all. "Why is my child no longer in the team?"

And quite honestly they should've given your child a reason anyway.

Maybe they wanted to give someone else a turn?

I certainly wouldn’t ‘challenge’ it.

Absolutely ask the question. It is not unreasonable but it can be done politely and non confrontationally!

Absolutely not unreasonable and definitely worth it. Never question your right to express you opinion and/or ask questions.

Not saying it's what this is, but this sudden exclusion might stem from one manipulator with a bug up their jacksie about something you need to be aware of.

In the example you used, I'd get the child to have a word with the sports teacher and ask what they should look to improve or work on. Makes it less confrontational and better coming from the child then the parents.

Maybe they're just giving someone else a turn 🤷🏻‍♀️

I always find that if people replace 'challenge' with 'address' in their own minds the way they raise issues is less confrontational, and they garner a better response.

My partner and I play good cop bad cop. He’s very nice, laid back, easy going with primary school, and if there are any issues that need addressing I deal with them. That way we maintain communication but make sure our children get their needs met.

Relies on you having a partner.

There could be many reasons that are between the school, that child, and the adults at home why they are not playing.
An informal enquiry possibly to the coach whilst the matches are on might be ok, but I would just focus on your own child playing and leave the matter of the teams to the adults who need to know.

Don’t get involved. Parents have a horrible habit of only seeing things from their child’s POV. Schools generally try to be inclusive and swap in and out different children to give everyone a chance. Sometimes you get picked sometimes you don’t.

As many others have said, absolutely ask, but do it kindly. Not exactly the same but I’m a teacher and I run (in my own lunchtime, for free) an intervention group. Many of the parents whose children are in it ‘challenge’ me about why their kid is there and then many of the other parents whose kids aren’t in it ‘challenge’ me about why their kids aren’t in it. It’s exhausting, incredibly boring and completely unnecessary. I imagine it’s the same with this team. And also, sometimes we have to model this for the person organising. My kids’ head teacher can be very defensive if anyone asks anything. As an example, I once offered to raise money to get playground markings installed for the school and she got really shitty about it - told me what the playground looked like was none of my business - LOLS! I didn’t engage (pointless) and lo, a term or two later they’d arranged for (& funded through a grant) playground markings to be installed. All her idea of course! I just smile and continue to be nice to her because otherwise, I’m as bad as her!

I think "challenge" and "ask reasons" are VERY different. "Challenge" implies that you think someone has done something they shouldn't have done, which is sometimes justified and sometimes not.

"Asking reasons" is simply wanting to understand why a decision has been or will be made. When something concerns you or your child, I cannot think of a situation where "asking reasons" would not be ok.

For instance you say "child has been left out of the school football team despite always previously being included (and still definitely being good enough!)"

Here I would say "challenging" implies that YOU think YOUR child is still good enough therefore you are going to TELL school they should rethink their decision to drop him from the team. It is not on, because actually 1) you don't know that less skill is why he was dropped from the team. 2) unless you've watch every child in the school who's interested in playing for the team, play for hours on end, you don't know how his skills compare to others.

Asking why, is not this, it's wanting a reason. That's fine, and if it turns out that a football coach thinks actually other children are better, or maybe they have loads of about the same skill level so they are rotating them a bit, then you are maybe a bit sad for your kid, but accept that the school is making good decisions about everyone who is interested in football (and maybe up to a certain skill level) being able to experience being on the team, that's being a fair and good mum.

Agree with all PP that politely inquiring the reason for something is fine. Going in assuming you are right without having heard those reasons, assuming there aren't any good reasons because you haven't thought of them, isn't ok.

Also, if you don't like the answer, I always ask myself "is this the hill to die on?". Very occasionally the answer is yes and you can then be politely firm and persistent and escalate if you need to. But mostly the answer is no - you'd prefer it was done another way but the issue isn't worth eating your good will and credibility on.

You probably never wondered why he was included - just assumed that he was good enough, well behaved enough, popular enough and a good fit for the team. Yet the assumption is that can't be true for the 11 who now are in the team. There must be some other reason why Bobby/ Arlo/Tommy has been chosen over your child.

This isn't really a question about when to challenge and when not to - (and the advice other posters have given is good in my view) - but advice as to how you should find out why your child hasn't been chosen. Valid in itself of course but not quite the same thing.

Is it for one game or more than one game? We often change teams around week to week to give more kids an opportunity. If they are friendly games then the result isn’t important but giving more players the chance to develop and the best way to do this is in actual game play. We also give more priority for selection or the kids who come to raining and show a positive attitude, a rewarding effort system rather than ‘I should be on the team because I’m the best’ system.

If it’s only one game then let it go. If more than one game a polite email saying Dear Mr/Ms X, John is a little upset he hasn’t been chosen to play in the team recently, please could you explain what he can do to be considered again.