To know nothing about funerals, wills or probate and need help?

[DesTeeny]

MIL has, somewhat unexpectedly, died.

DH and I have only been to one funeral before as adults (FIL) and MIL planned the whole thing with very little input from others (help was offered but declined).

We now have absolutely no idea what to do, or expect, everything seems really confusing.

MIL has been released from the coroner, we've registered her death and picked a funeral home, but what now? What do we need in a funeral? What do we do with an order of service? She wasn't religious, what do we do about a service? How do we even begin sorting out her house and things?

Nothing is organised because she wasn't expecting to die so quickly. Fortunately she had a will, but it's quite old so our children aren't included, nor are her younger nieces and nephews, can we include them because it's clearly what she would have wanted (she has put a certain amount of money aside for her family - could we increase that to include the little ones)?

Just feeling a bit overwhelmed and lost and everything feels quite difficult, especially for poor DH who has now lost both his parents at such a young age, and he's an only child. I can't ask my parents for advice, as my grandparents are all still alive (two out of the four are over 100!) so they've not planned a funeral or dealt with this either!

When my Nan died, we went to a funeral directors and they helped massively. They gave us several options, asked us what Nan liked and who she was as a person and the service was beautiful.

with regards to wills, who is listed as executor? Once you’ve got the death certificate you need to go onto the tellusonce service.

feel free to pm me x

You will receive lots of booklets, usually, from the funeral place, but looking online, or using a solicitor will help if you need it.

The funeral home will help massively. Expect there to be a delay of several weeks for the crematorium which will give you time to choose and plan. Expect it to be expensive. There is no need to go all bells and whistles unless it’s what she would have wanted and her estate can afford. You will also need to think about and plan any after-the-funeral event.

Probate is straightforward if you just work through it systematically. It’s probably easiest to distribute as per the will then redistribute from your inheritance afterwards rather than try to vary the will.

The funeral home will help sort out the funeral. They can put you in touch with the appropriate people - crematorium, church, celebrant whatever.

The will can wait a couple of weeks.

If you use the tell us once service it notifies all government agencies etc that your MIL is dead. Saves a lot of admin.

So sorry for your loss!

The Funeral Director will help massively- with my mum we had no idea it was going to happen and they guided us throughout it all- last year when my dad died he’d pretty much planned everything so I wasn’t int the same position!

As for the will I probably could have done it all myself but loosing Dad and having a 3 month old baby I gave it all all to his solicitor to do (he’d redone his will when he became ill so just contacted her again) yes it’ll cost me about £3k but I didn’t have the headspace to do it myself!!

I think you can do a variation to change who inherits but not sure but again our solicitor has been fabulous…. Mostly because I’m sos cares of doing something wrong and getting in trouble!!

I used a how to do probate book when I administered an estate - just picked one off Amazon with good reviews. You can do a deed of variation on the will if the impacted beneficiaries agree. Undertakers will guide you through making the funeral arrangements.

I second the Tell Us Once service it was so easy and even covered Dads council pension so saved me doing even more ringing around!

Hi, sorry for your loss and please don't worry. There is a lot to do when someone dies but none of it needs to happen right away, give yourselves time.

Re the funeral, go to a good funeral directors (we tend to use co-op but there are plenty of options) and put yourself in their hands, they can organize absolutely everything for you if you like including order of service, non religious celebrant etc. just tell them your brief, e.g. traditional but non religious, informal and joyful, whatever, they're the experts so they will definitely have ideas for you. I think you will probably find you at least want to choose some personal bits like music and readings but they could provide a generic outline for you to fill in those gaps. Don't worry about wanting non religious, that's a common request, I'd say most funerals these days are non religious, for my dad we recently gave them a confusing brief of wanting a non religious ceremony conducted by a secular celebrant and at the crem not the church, but as traditional as possible with religious elements like prayers and hymns (I know, contradictory, that was my mother's doing!) and they came up trumps with a lay celebrant but who was very vicar-like in manner and happy to incorporate whatever religious elements my mother wanted and who even turned up wearing robes (I found this all very odd but my mother was delighted). So whatever you want is possible really, including to hand the whole responsibility over lock stock and barrel if you want...

Re the will, yes if you are the only beneficiaries under the will as it stands you can agree a deed of variation to include the children. Or if there are others (siblings of your DH?) you can still do that so long as all beneficiaries agree. Or in the worst case you can just give your nephews and nieces some money out of your share. I'd recommend seeing a good local solicitor to talk you through deeds of variation, what the role of the executor is and probate requirements (you wouldn't then be obliged to instruct them to manage probate if it's straightforward and you want to do it yourselves but can give you all the info).

First of all, many sympathies to you and DH for your very sad loss

I agree with what the previous 2 PP's have said . . . the funeral directors gave us a beautiful booklet setting out the different options for funerals. The funeral directors are used to talking the different types of services, burials and cremations through with the family and will give you time to think it through. They helped us with the flowers, produced service sheets etc

The booklet we received also gave a checklist of all the things we needed to do and who we needed to notify.

Sorry, I can't comment on the will as I haven't been involved in that side of things

I know it seems really overwhelming at the moment, particularly as this has been such a shock and you were totally unprepared. My advice would be to deal with the funeral first and I'm sure your funeral directors will give you all the help you need. Then see a solicitor about the will. Deal with the house and contents when you feel able to do so (unless it is rented when you will have to deal with it more quickly)

💐

Sorry for your loss. Funeral directors will help - they're very used to dealing with bewildered family following a death. Also, if you don't want to conduct the service yourself, the minister/priest/celebrant will talk you through how to put a service together.

Probate is quite simple to do yourselves, as long as MIL's estate wasn't complex. Including children in distribution of assets really depends on what's in the will.

Firstly, breathe, don't panic and there's no rush.

Firstly pick whether you want cremation or burial, most people opt for cremation.

Assuming cremation you have 3 main options, a standard service at the crematorium, a direct cremation (no service) or a service in a church, funeral directors premises or other third party venue. Most people opt for a service at the crematorium.

You then need to decide who will lead the service, this could be the vicar local to your mil (you don't need to have attended church), an independent celebrant or you or family/friend can DIY, there's no requirement to have a celebrant.

Once you know where and who is taking it, you just need to think about what you want said, typically a few minutes about their life is read out, then perhaps play some music, everyone can sing, a poem is said or similar, then the celebrant or whoever is leading will say some prayers or words to say goodbye, then music while curtains close/lowered down. There's websites with ideas but it's really up to you, some people have a mixture of secular but also a hymn or prayer, really flexible.

Finally it's normal to invite people to either the house if suitable or another venue for refreshments, this is really helpful in my experience as talking about the person you have lost helps in the grief process and can be actually celebrating their life in a lovely way. "She would have loved today" is an expression I often hear. Occupational hazard, I attend a lot as i organise funerals.

Just remember there's no right or wrong. I'll do a separate post on paperwork

The only paperwork you need to imminently do is register the death and tell people like hmrc. There's a system called tell us once which you should get when you register the death. You'll need to take a death certificate to your bank (see their website for details) so money can be accessed for the funeral.

The will can be checked in case there's information about the funeral otherwise everything can be left until after you have had the funeral.

Probate varies in complexity but usually you can do it yourself, it's similar to filing a tax return but please don't worry about that at this stage

Sorry to hear this.
In terms of dealing with probate etc you can get a legal firm to handle it all (at a cost) if you are anxious. We did this because I was too upset to do it even though it was very straightforward it just meant we didn't deal with it. Cost about £5K and still not finished

Arrange to see the funeral director as soon as possible. You will be guided through the options. As she wasn't religious you can choose a celebrant for a personal service when you can talk about her life and family and play her favourite music. A popular choice now is a direct cremation which you don't attend, but have a celebration in her memory.

It's easiest to follow the instructions in the will and then those that inherit can give something to the children from their share if they wish. I did the probate for both my parents and it was easy. I had control, didn't have to pay a solicitor and therefore there were no delays. I know how awful a sudden death can be and I fully sympathise with the shock, but the practical side really isn't too bad.

One good tip is to order at least 4 death certificates because you'll need to send them off to lots of people to prove the death and they don't always send them back. Ask the funeral home about selecting a coffin, ask if they use a particular florist for flowers, decide if you want to have an order of service printed and you'll need to decide if a family member will read an eulogy, or you'd want a celebrant or religious service. Pick out music. One for entering, one maybe favourite of the deceased, and one for leaving the ceremony. If you want food afterwards it's easiest to book a caterer and tell them what you want. Sorry for your loss. You should stick to the will the deceased person made. If you have been left any money you can give your DC some of that if you wish but you can't just redistribute based on your preference of what you think the deceased might have preferred.

Hi OP. I was a funeral arranger, and if I had a pound for everyone who came in and said "I've no idea what to do", I'd have been rich.

It's the funeral arrangers job to do everything and gently guide you through the process. Make an appointment and they will advise you and give you all the information you need. They should be taking as much of this off your shoulders as possible. They'll also put you in touch with either a celebrant or a religious leader (depending on whether MIL had a faith) who will in turn guide you with what to have in the service (music/readings/poems etc).

So sorry for your loss 💐

Going through similar at the moment. The funeral place will help a lot with the funeral. I think you can get the bank of the deceased to pay directly with the death certificate and the invoice from the funeral directors, but tbh we just paid for ease and will claim it out of the estate before funds are distributed to the other beneficiaries (we have agreed this with all beneficiaries). About to start the probate side but intend on doing this ourselves too, a bit to save money but also to cut out a middle man who only works office hours when we all have full time jobs. From previous grandparent deaths I would say distribute as per the will, then just give some of what is now 'your' money to your kids.

Sorry for your loss . The undertaker should be able to give you information on who you need to notify after a death. It can feel like a slow process as probate can take a few months to come through even if there's a Will. As far as the Will goes, it would probably be more straightforward if your DH discusses with his siblings whether they want to give money from their shares to the grandkids rather than trying to change anything legally in the Will.

A cremation can be easily non religious, they'll let you play any music, doesn't have to be hymns or religious, I've been to ones which aren't religious at all. DH and his siblings can pick whatever music they like really, usually you would have some music to walk in with the coffin and another piece on the way out. Traditionally, you'd have a wake afterwards and most Crematoriums have a room you can hire out and have some refreshments. Again, it's not something you need to do and I've been to funerals which are just a short low key service at the Crematorium and no Wake.

When you register the death ask for about four copies of death certificate as you have to send to various places and they are not always quick at returning it. And if you have to take one to somewhere get the to copy or scan so you can have it straight back.

So you've done step 1 - picked a funeral directors. They are generally pretty good at giving you options for a funeral, although they are a business and will try to upsell you.

You've also found the will so you have the legal instructions for how the estate must be discharged (ie. where the money/assets go) - you cannot change this unless you take legal action to do so

House wise - unless in rental/social housing, it shouldn't be too much of a rush - you need to go in to find legal documents/financial documents and make it safe/remove old food etc but otherwise that can wait for later to sort.

I found this helpful; https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies

So sorry for your loss. Lots of good advice already given but I'd like to add something I found really helpful. If you need to contact organisations such as energy companies ask for their Bereavement Departments. Some have the number to call on their websites. They are staffed by people trained to help relatives in your situation and I found them all very helpful and sympathetic when I was sorting my parents estates.

Thank you everyone. Some really invaluable information here. It just feels so overwhelming.

We've been to the funeral directors today and got some things booked in.

I'm forever grateful to the funeral director who guided us through the loss of my Dad. We were less than clueless and they helped with absolutely everything involved.

You'll get through this. X

I’m so sorry for your loss.

one thing that I didn’t realise when I was in a similar position was that empty houses need special insurance. In our case the old policy only covered the house for being empty for up to 30 days and I needed the help of a broker to find a policy to cover the empty house until it was sold.

Thank you, this is really helpful.