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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not see any way out of this abusive relationship?

17 replies

impossiblesituations · 06/06/2024 22:15

Found out 4 years ago 'DH' uses adultwork etc. That's not a surprise as he also checked out of the relationship a few years before that, about the time we had our second child. The first child was a novelty and exciting but by the time the second came (who didn't sleep for 3 years) life together was drudgery.

I have begged him to sell the house and split the equity so we can separate. He point blank refuses. When I get upset and tell him how unhappy I am and how I can't see a way out he stonewalls me. Even though his best friend separated and as far as I know has amicably shared 50:50 custody. both parties are happy and co-parenting effectively. Why doesn't he want to have a fresh start and be with a woman who he actually likes? I can't comprehend why he wants to live like this indefinitely. Can anyone explain??

For 4 years I've lived like this. My soul is destroyed. There isn't anywhere to rent anywhere near my kids schools. I'm in an area of extremely low rent supply, and I'm not exaggerating. There is a 1 bed flat available. If I move out my kids won't come with me to a 1 bed flat (age 10 and 12) as they love their home and obviously don't know who their dad is.

A 1 bed flat is actually all I can afford. I've been saving and trying to increase my income for 4 years since I found out. The continuous rise in the cost of living has completely overridden all my efforts.

I've reached breaking point this week. I've told him I feel suicidal. That my only option is to move to a 1 bed flat and leave the children. Does he care what that will do to them? Again he just ignores me rather than agree to sell. I feel like I'm going insane. What is this?

What is he playing at? I really do feel like I'm going mad at this point.

OP posts:
maddening · 06/06/2024 22:17

If you are married a divorce can force the sale.

If you are not married you can go to court to force the sale (my friend had to do this)

Either way he doesn't have the final say so

impossiblesituations · 06/06/2024 22:21

Do you know how long it took your friend? And at what cost? I don't have loads saved.

I'm scared. He isn't right in the head. Surely any normal person would accept the relationship is over and deal with assets like an adult.

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 06/06/2024 22:25

You can apply online for a divorce, it costs £593, then the courts can take up to two weeks to notify him, and he can take up to two weeks to say he's received the notification. Then it takes 20 weeks till the first part of the divorce. In this time, you will sort out the finances and he will either have to sell the house and give you half, or buy you out of your half.

mumyes · 06/06/2024 22:26

OP I'm so sorry. Flowers

Please be careful & get advice (Women's aid?).

Please stay strong. This will pass. As in, this is not forever, you will extract yourself eventually.

One day I hope / think you'll look back at this and it will be in your past.

Is the 1 bed flat possible as in could you sleep in the living room & the kids in the bedroom?

STAY STRONG

Whothefuckdoesthat · 06/06/2024 22:28

It sounds like he’s not willing to relent the last bit of control he thinks he has. When you say you’re scared, are you worried he’ll do something to hurt you or the DC? I’d contact Women’s Aid to ask for advice and support. But do it secretly; don’t do anything that could endanger yourself.

beckybarefoot · 06/06/2024 22:29

just leave! force him... i think legally he has to provide a roof over your head and that of your children until they are 18 anyway?

i did it.. left with nothing! rented a house big enough for me and my children, i was working part time, but i got what wa tax credits, i got help with my rent and my council tax.. yes some of my belongings were 2nd hand, bought cheap or given free.. but i would rather have done that than spent another miserable year with him.

impossiblesituations · 06/06/2024 22:30

Headingtowardsdivorce · 06/06/2024 22:25

You can apply online for a divorce, it costs £593, then the courts can take up to two weeks to notify him, and he can take up to two weeks to say he's received the notification. Then it takes 20 weeks till the first part of the divorce. In this time, you will sort out the finances and he will either have to sell the house and give you half, or buy you out of your half.

But how can we sort out the finances if he refuses to entertain the idea? He literally refuses to talk about it. Blanks me. Won't look at me.

He can't afford to buy me out.

Would any of you leave children under age 16 in these circumstances?

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 06/06/2024 22:30

mumyes · 06/06/2024 22:26

OP I'm so sorry. Flowers

Please be careful & get advice (Women's aid?).

Please stay strong. This will pass. As in, this is not forever, you will extract yourself eventually.

One day I hope / think you'll look back at this and it will be in your past.

Is the 1 bed flat possible as in could you sleep in the living room & the kids in the bedroom?

STAY STRONG

Echoing all of this

Lots of good wishes op

What a fcker

newyearsresolurion · 06/06/2024 22:34

You don't need his permission to split. I've just left 4/12 ago and life is good. Am not even divorced yet will look into that later on.I feel like I've just started living. Move to the 1 bed house and the kids will share a room . You sleep in the living room for now?Dont leave your kids.x

impossiblesituations · 06/06/2024 22:37

I will contact Womens Aid. I never thought this situation could be possible. I couldn't believe someone could do this. But maybe they have heard of this before. Why would any human do this to another.

I know it's not forever.

But 6 years until my youngest is 16.

If I could afford a 2 bed home, and there was one available, that could work. There aren't any and I'd struggle to afford it.

Like I said they wouldn't come and live with me in a 1 bed flat when they have a nice 3 bed home. If I left to a 1 bed flat I'd be leaving alone. And I don't know if I could ever do that. Mums just don't do they?

OP posts:
impossiblesituations · 06/06/2024 22:39

newyearsresolurion · 06/06/2024 22:34

You don't need his permission to split. I've just left 4/12 ago and life is good. Am not even divorced yet will look into that later on.I feel like I've just started living. Move to the 1 bed house and the kids will share a room . You sleep in the living room for now?Dont leave your kids.x

How do you convince 2 kids who aren't babies any more to move into a 1 bed flat when they have their 'home' they've lived in all their lives. They don't understand. They adore me but they also love their dad. They wouldn't come.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 06/06/2024 22:40

beckybarefoot · 06/06/2024 22:29

just leave! force him... i think legally he has to provide a roof over your head and that of your children until they are 18 anyway?

i did it.. left with nothing! rented a house big enough for me and my children, i was working part time, but i got what wa tax credits, i got help with my rent and my council tax.. yes some of my belongings were 2nd hand, bought cheap or given free.. but i would rather have done that than spent another miserable year with him.

No he does not have to do that. That's completely wrong.

OP, please contact Women's Aid for some support and try and make contact with Rights of Women. It is difficult because they are overwhelmed but it's worth a try. I would also ring round some solicitors and see what the cost is for an initial consultation because you really do need to know that. Armed with correct legal advice, you will hopefully feel more in control Flowers

LooneyLiberalSpaceWaster · 06/06/2024 22:41

I don't think you have to leave. You could start divorce proceedings. Get advice from a solicitor. Sit it out as a separated couple and force the issue of selling. Unless you want to leave your DC, don't leave them.

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/06/2024 22:41

Also check your entitlement to UC and what help you may be able to get as a single parent. It may mean a bigger rental is possible.

LooneyLiberalSpaceWaster · 06/06/2024 22:45

I'm not certain, but I think if you are separated with separate finances, even still under the same roof and waiting to sell, you may still be able to claim UC. It's worth checking out. Right now he is spending joint finances on buying sex, so he is depriving you financially. I'd want separate finances ASAP.

maddening · 06/06/2024 22:48

impossiblesituations · 06/06/2024 22:30

But how can we sort out the finances if he refuses to entertain the idea? He literally refuses to talk about it. Blanks me. Won't look at me.

He can't afford to buy me out.

Would any of you leave children under age 16 in these circumstances?

It doesn't matter if.he entertains the idea -.legal process will make him

SeaWorkout · 06/06/2024 23:19

OP, he’s using this as a control tactic.
The thing is, if you want to end the marriage, you can. You don’t need his permission.

He likes things as they are because he’s financially ok and has you under the thumb. He doesn’t want that boat rocked !

My ex dh was the same.
I wanted a divorce, he said it wasn’t happening and that he wouldn’t be moving out.
When he got letters from my lawyer he had to change his tune though.
He was obstructive throughout and it took 2 years to get rid of him.
I bought him out but even on the day he was meant to leave he still hadn’t packed his things! He ended up leaving most of his stuff behind.
I think he wanted to prolong the uncertainty and stress for as long as possible.

Now, life is great without him !

See Women's Aid.
Speak to Rights of Women for legal advice (free)
Be strong.
Be aware he’s just trying it on with you. Get your ducks quietly in a row ( bank statement, payslips, savings, pensions etc ) so he can’t hide assets.
Dont let on for now but hit him with divorce when you’re ready.

Priority is also to keep yourself safe. Police if he gets violent.

It might seem a long way off but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you’ll get there.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

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