How do I help Dd through her dad suddenly going no contact with no explanation

[Cadela]

I’m a lone parent to my 7 year old.

Her dad and I had 50/50 contact up until about 18 months ago and then he suddenly blocked me and moved house.

Dd is heartbroken. Her dad had another little girl and they were so so close and she can’t understand why she can’t see her sister anymore. I’ve basically said that daddy had to move house and he’s far away but I’m here always and I won’t be going anywhere.

But she misses him so much I am heartbroken at the pain she is going through. And I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to say?

im so angry with him, but obviously would never let Dd know. How fucking dare he?

not much advise or help but didn’t want to read and walk on by. What an absolute twat of a man. Beyond vile. I had a shitty dad and grew up feeling like I wasn’t good enough to love properly so I would just try and counteract that somehow

I think I need to look into therapy for Dd.

I also had a fucking shite dad never saw and I don’t want her to end up like me. I wish o could take all of this away from her.

Not sure if it's the right thing to do but I think I'd tell my 7 year old I was mad at him. I'd say he should have talked first and I'm mad he didn't, to me that's showing her it's not right behavior and not normal. My 7 year old would understand why I was angry, because he'd hurt her. Maybe consult a counselor though first?

The behaviour of men never ceases to amaze me.

So sorry Op that your DD and you are going through this.

Awful, just awful. I can't understand how anyone can abandon a child (my father did the same to my brother and I). I can only advise you to keep reassuring her. If you think it would help then try and get her someone outwith the two of you to speak to. I can only say that as I've grown up and had my own children I've realised that I was enough, you are too and so is your daughter. The fault lies entirely with them.

That's rubbish. Id also tell her I was angry and explain why, and his behavior is not ok, not her fault. Do you have contact with the mum of his other daughter? Just because he is shit, might not mean she has to lose contact with her sister (I'm reading your post as the other daughter is not with his current partner, I might have misunderstood)

Tell her that you love her very much and she’s amazing and wonderful and perfect and that she didn’t do anything wrong. Sometimes adults do really stupid things and hurt the people around them, without meaning to, and that you wish you knew why he’d gone, and that you could fix it for her, but that in the mean time, she needed to know that it doesn’t matter what happens, you will never, ever leave her.

I think therapy would be a really good idea. You don’t want her thinking that he left because she wasn’t enough. And it’s so easy to believe that you’re worthless if your own parent can abandon you without so much as a backward glance 💐

Also tell her that she’s allowed to be cross with him too, she’s allowed to feel all of the feelings that she feels - sadness, angry and if she is capable, tell her to write them down so they aren’t stuck in her head anymore.

My daughters were abandoned by their excuse of a dad three times. Once at 7/5, again at 10/8 and later at 15/13.
I told them facts, I arranged counselling for them and when he returned I let him back and supported them.
This last time I never even responded to the email he sent to say he wasn't seeing them again. Five years on and I won't give him that satisfaction. My daughters are adults now who see him on special occasions if it suits them. They are well adjusted, both in higher education and have jobs and boyfriends.
I'd arrange counselling and always be her biggest support

Massive hugs @Cadela my youngests dad did similar - after going for custody because he felt him being on benefits and his new gf (his best mates wife) would make better parents because I worked full-time whereas they were both constantly at home due to not working. Cost me £5k in legal fees and they paid nothing (good old days of legal aid). Luckily I won and he just got contact arrangement which he never stuck to and it fizzled out. Despite them both turning up at the primary school to collect her kids and his step siblings and blanking his own son for 3 years.

it was horrible seeing my son so devastated and questioning what was wrong with himself as to why his dad didn’t want him. Whilst I have never bad mouthed his dad I did make it clear that some adults didn’t always do the right things for others and were selfish or cowardly. I made sure he knew he’d done nothing wrong and likened it to a situation he had with a boy at school as an example. I explained things may change in the future and it would be his decision if he wanted to let his dad back into his life and I would always support and help him with his wishes.

hes 24 now and has made a few attempts over the years with his dad to no avail. If he went around he’d be welcomed in for a brew. But they’d make zero effort or contact with him when he left that house. It’s a 10/15 walk from ours. I loathe the cowardly piece of shit.

Ex now has 5 adult biological children with 3 different women. The OW has 3 other children. Between the 8 kids they have - only 4 stay in contact with them due to Exs behaviour.

Hope you and your little one get through this and become even stronger for it.

Im so sorry for your little girl and the fact that you are left to pick up the pieces. He is beyond disgusting, short of going into witness protection or full mental breakdown there is no excuse for traumatizing your child this way.

I’d be age appropriate and honest. I think it’s fine to tell her you’re angry. You both have every right to be. Let her feel and express her feelings, don’t try and downplay what has happened. You can’t protect her from the hurt, just help her process it. And lots and lots of reassurance that it’s not her fault, and you’ll be there for her forever.

I have a parent that did this. They came back twice before they finally left for good. I wouldn't recommend letting him back in her life, it did a lot of damage to us being left and that uncertainty 3 times. I think therapy is a good idea, at this age it might be more play therapy. My DD was capable of engaging in therapy at that age, but my DS just more plays. You could also get some advice from a therapist on how to talk to and support your DD through this.

I have a half sibling somewhere in the world, unless she's dead, but trying to hunt them down them would risk contact with my abusive parent, as an adult I have zero interest in doing that. You could read her a book like 'the invisible string', it's about how love can connect us even when we're not there.

My DD and I talk a lot and she processes things by talking them through a lot, my DS1 buries everything and then bits slip out and have to be dealt with. My youngest thankfully missed most of their Dad's abuse. He's still in their lives. DD has asked why her Dad did certain things, yelling, kicking stuff, pinching them and we've also talked about my parent who left and I've told her some people aren't cut out to be parents and her Dad's behaviour is about who he is and how he handles life and is no reflection on them. That his parents think these behaviours are fine too. Its a bit harder with him having another DD, I expect she'll compare if she hasn't yet, thinking she's done something wrong because the other DD gets to see Dad and she doesn't. Im sorry your DDs dad has turned out to be a completely heartless arsehole.

My ex husband did this. It still shocks me to my core. OW made clear my son didn't figure in their future and bought a house 750 miles away to make sure there was no contact. My ex wrote to the court and said he didn't want to see our son again. Even the Cafcass officer was lost for words.

I arranged for counselling through the school who were amazingly supportive. My son had a lot of sessions. I told him that his Dad had made some bad decisions because he didn't know how to be a good parent because he'd not had good parents himself. Four years on he just doesn't mention him anymore. He wants to change his name. He just says he hasn't got a dad. I have always reassured him that his father's decisions are not his fault and there is nothing that he has done. It's so hard and I'm really sorry this has happened to your daughter. Thank God she has you

Thats very unusual to have 50/50 contact them just block you, have you never found out why? Does he have family you are in contact with?

My DDs dad did this 5 years ago, my DD is now 12 and it's scarred her. She was part of a counselling type of group at primary school once a week with other children which helped with ways of expressing her emotions and channelling her anger (trust me, the anger will come!) but now feels like she doesn't need it at secondary school. I'm quite lucky as I have a partner who loves her as his own and has done for 10 years.

I would speak to her school, my DDs were honestly great and so understanding and they might be able to put something in place for her or refer you to someone who can help. It's crazy to read so many stories of others in exactly the same position as myself!

Your DD will be fine she has the best mummy that will get her through this ❤️

At the moment you're downplaying her feelings. I think anger is a quite reasonable response.
Have you absolutely no way of getting in touch?

I have a 7yo DS whose dad did the same thing - DS was on a CiN plan because his dad couldn’t cope with his SEN and needed parenting support. He didn’t engage, lashed out at DS one contact and then walked out of his life forever. DS has lost his brother because of this.

I think it is important that you tell your daughter that what he has done is not ok, it’s not acceptable and she deserves to be treated so much better than this. She needs to know that he has made bad choices and it isn’t her fault.

Another thing I’ll add is that if he does come back, think very carefully about resuming contact again. I’m very confident my ex will never try to get in touch again, but if he does, I made it very clear via sons SW that I will not allow him near my child unless a court tells me I have to. He would never, ever take it to court. Part of this is because he is incapable of keeping DS safe but it’s also because he does NOT get to treat my child like a toy he can pick back up again.

Others will disagree and say you should always try to facilitate a relationship with the other parent but I disagree when the parent is capable of destroying our children like this

Tell her the truth so she doesn't spend years idolising him only to later get hurt!

What a fucking arsehole. I truly can't wrap my head around people that do things like that and truly believe they must have some sort of psychopathy.

Good advice from pps about not letting him come in and out of her life.

Try to focus on the relationships she has, eg you have a lovely mummy, grandma etc. There will come a time when you can be honest, but at her current age I would try and be wary of letting her feel unwanted by telling her the truth.

You can say you are really confused about what's happened and sad and angry for her. You can say you don't really understand why he's done this and it feels really unfair. Tell her its a decision you couldn't understand because you could never do that and you understand how important he is to her to see him.
Your poor child , and poor you dealing with the aftermath.

Yes I agree, I've said the same. If my ex decides to reappear (this is the third and longest abandonment) then he can apply to the court. He's done this several times before citing "parental alienation" (and got nowhere). You couldn't make it up. Fortunately my son is old enough to say he doesn't want further contact. I don't believe in promoting contact with people who repeatedly emotionally abuse you and treat you like a trophy to parade when you want to look like a fantastic dad. They are now complete strangers!

Same goes for his paternal grandparents and uncle. My son is sad that he's lost them and his cousins who he loved. However these people tried to dictate contact terms on me that I was supposed to fit in to and drive half way up the country to facilitate. I wasn't to mention the despicable behaviour of their son or the OW. They were flying monkeys for the pair of them so I stood my ground and said no. My child is not there for your entertainment when you fancy it.

Oh my goodness your poor dd. I'm so sorry OP.

If it's any consolation my dad did this to us and you know what, we are resilient as a result.

Bless you and your daughter OP. He sounds fucking vile - how can you do that to your child. It’s beyond belief.

If he could be that callous and cold it’s probably for the best she doesn’t have a relationship with him as he sounds like a nut case. I understand it’s easier said than done but I hope you know what I mean. Thankfully she’s got you

Take care

Can I ask why you don't want her to see that you're angry with him? I'm not saying that you should start bad mouthing him every moment of the day, but part of the upset she's feeling will be anger, and I think it will help her to know that shes not the only one feeling that.

You can say that you don't understand why he's not seeing her, that you don't think it's good behaviour for a Dad to not see their child, and that you're cross with him about it.