16 year old terrible eating habits and rapid weight gain

[worriedmumofteenagegirl]

My daughter is in the middle of her GCSEs. Since revision has started, her eating habits have been quite out of control. She's not had any history of mental health issues or eating disorders.
She was at risk of this happening during lockdown too (eating tonnes of snacks) but she was younger and I was more in control of her meals and she couldn't go to the shop by herself etc. She has never been a skinny girl, but not overweight either. Since about March, she's put on 2 stone.

Until this point, I have never commented on her tenancy to over eat. But today I had to say something. I picked her up after her exam and she had bought herself strawberry laces and an ice cream. I also saw in her bag a packet of 5 iced buns. I asked her who they were for and she said they were for her but she would have them over the next few days.

I've just been into her room and she's eaten the lot of them, on top of the strawberry laces and ice cream. She's also had breakfast, lunch and dinner.
This is happening ALOT. I can only describe it as binge eating. She's definitely not being sick (being sick is a massive phobia of hers).

I did comment today and said I'm quite worried by her unhealthy eating as it is not healthy to eat 5 iced buns. She said she only eats badly on school days (this isn't true). At the weekend she'd been to M&S when in town and bought a box of 10 mini rolls and ate the lot, plus a McDonald's. I did not mention weight at all, only health.

My daughter enjoys make up, clothes and looking nice. She is gaining SO much weight and will soon lose all her confidence. She's 12 stone and 5ft 2 (I know because she has a health condition and is weighed and measured at clinic every 3 months). She is already quite overweight.

When I spoke to her today about her unhealthy eating, she said 'are you trying to fat shame me?'.

How do I approach this? I obviously don't want to give her an eating disorder but also I don't want her to be 15 stone by the end of the year which is where this is heading.

We are a family of fairly normal eaters, no diet talk. Always try to get our fruit and veg in. I think we've modelled healthy eating with treats in moderation. Nothing has ever been banned or labelled bad food.

As soon as she's had a bit of her own money and freedom, this has started.

AIBU to have mentioned it to her? How should I approach this? I can't take her bank cards or stop her heading to the shop by herself and she tries to do alot of this (un)subtly

You're right to bring it up and also right not to make it about weight.

As pps have said, if she was harming herself with too much of something else, you would do all you could to help.

Keep on talking about how it can damage us, our teeth, our moods, skin, heart and how it affects our concentration, performance and energy levels etc.

Talk about sugar addiction. It's a real thing.
Offer to come up with a plan to cut sugar out or down at certain times or days in the week.

Offer to help her find healthier alternatives to the things she craves and have them at home.

All you can do is offer, she doesn't have to take you up on it but I would regularly mention how concerned I was for her health for as long as it continues.

I wasn't all there when I wrote this today.

This is disordered eating. She is sneaking food. If you have healthy snacks available maybe she won't have the urge to buy unhealthy snacks. If she tries to turn it into fat shaming ask her why she is sneaking what are basically sugar bombs.

As she is buying this food with her own money it is so difficult to control. Perhaps you can focus on what you can control, and maybe that is changing what food is available at home - may take everyone in the house to be on board too. Portion size, no snacks, light meals, packed lunches etc.

I wouldn't say anything until her exams are over but I would start after. I'd also encourage more activity - if she can walk somewhere or cycle, then leave her to do that. Increasing activity generally - which is great for better mental health - will help.

I think you’ ve done well so far. I would definitely say her eating is linked with stress and boredom, essentially she is seeking dopamine which as someone upthread said is addictive. I think it might be worth considering some treatment after her exams. I know an addiction specialist who uses hypnosis with really great effect for treatment of all addiction. It might be helpful and it could be a way of helping her become more aware of the issue.

Without sounding harsh, if she's put on 2 Stine in only about 3 months, even if uou don't mention her weight, someone at school will which will be very hurtful for her & possibly lead to further comfort eating. Can you not just take the buns, cakes etc away from her or just let her have one? Spell out the risk of Diabetes etc? It's difficult and people over eat for many reasons but if she is told she's a porker at school, it's not hoping to help her. At her age, she should be fir, active & a normal weight - hopefully she'll get back into better habits again after her exams. I hope her confidence won't be dented too much as it's so easy to get trapped into a binge cycle & feel self loathing.

This this this!!! You don't need to worry about 'giving her an eating disorder' by mentioning it as she already has one.

She uses food to change how she feels. No amount of protein or balanced healthy meals will stop her doing that I'm afraid.

After the exams, you need to get talking about what it is she's upset / stressed / anxious about and work on different reactions to reduce the emotions AND different strategies to cope when the emotions are still too big.

Professional therapy if you can afford it.

This is an eating disorder, and a common one. Professional therapy for binge eating disorder might be in order. There is also medication available where I live (very effective) but not sure what there is in the UK. The binge eating disorder drugs available are also prescribed for management of ADHD symptoms - there's a huge overlap. Ultimately, she is using sugar and fat to promote dopamine release and there is a reason. Could be lack of other skills/methods or extreme stress. But you won't 'give her' an eating disorder by addressing it. She already has one.

Before speaking to her more about it, do some reading and research yourself into binge eating disorder and ADHD in adolescent women. See if there's anything there you recognise or whether this is a behavioural trend that has developed without a neurological cause. But you should learn more about it before attempting to get her treatment or teach her about it.

Above all, avoid shame based language and attitude when talking. Treat her with compassion and empathy, but don't let her embarrass you into not talking about it. She does need support.

OP, you say you’re worried about eating disorders but binge eating/compulsive overeating IS an eating disorder. They’re not just about losing weight. Sounds like you could use some help: can BEAT assist or are they only for restrictive eating disorders?

The moment is gone in terms of the 'fat shaming' comment, but a good answer when kids say this is 'I didnt mention your weight/being fat'

Also, would she consider someone being told about how bad cocaine is for you, or cigarettes as being 'coke shamed' or 'fag shamed'

No, because we recognise the impact on health, which is what you are identifying with the sugar intake.

I feel for you because this is a hard situation to approach. My son was similar to this when he was doing his exams - eating a lot of junk food and sweet things and I too found it worrying. These are some things I found helpful and they did have some positive impact:

Going out on walks together to get more exercise. Would she be open to going for a walk around the park or something with you? Dress it up as going for a chat, getting some fresh air etc. and don't tell her it's for exercise.

Maybe do some joint cooking together, make interesting recipes you've seen online or on social media. It might take her focus off of buying junk and she'll fill up on nutritious meals and have fun cooking at the same time.

Praise her if she makes a healthy choice, just be really positive if you see her eating fruit or vegetables rather than junk.

The cause of this seems to be exam stress. If she has any hobbies that could take her mind off of it, perhaps encourage that. Or have movie evenings at home and make fruit salad or things like that as a snack.

Good luck, hopefully when her exams are over she will feel less stressed because this does sound like comfort eating. You're doing the right thing by making it about her health and wellbeing rather than her weight and appearance.

Do you do any long journeys? We listen to a lot of audio books - one being Ultra Processed people. There is a reason she only chooses the highly processed, sugary foods. She needs to develop some self-awareness around her eating habits and the impact this could have on her health.

My ds is nearly 19 and has a tendency towards junk. We sound very similar to you as a family with eating habits. I have been talking to him quite a lot about diet and health and whilst he still has way more crap than I would like I have noticed him making some healthier choices and adding some veg to his diet so it does sink in slowly.