Critical mother

[Scratbyxx]

Hello, does anyone have any experience with social anxiety that’s quite extreme? I have such a hard time being relaxed around people and always worry about saying the wrong thing and using the wrong tone. I do tend to annoy people when I really don’t mean to. Also, I’m approaching 50 and find that my voice gets so high pitched around people. it’s high anyway but my tension must make it even higher and I sound like a child. I’m wondering if it’s because my mother (who I still seek the approval of), tends to critisize me and compare me unfavourably to everyone else, even people she doesn’t know. There is some autism in the family including my daughter. Sometimes I think I may have asd or adhd but my mum thinks I’m just attention seeking. This makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed so I stop mentioning it. I often feel embarrassed and keep trying to speak to her and ‘get it right’ but it’s harder when I’m treading on eggshells. She often tells me I have a horrible look on my face which I think must be tension. She criticises my weight which I’ve been struggling with for years (menopause). She doesn’t respect people who are overweight so I feel that no one else will (including myself), until I’m slim. She was the same weight as me when she was my age but she denies this. She often re writes history which make me doubt my own reality. I tend to come away from her house feeling very bad about myself. Does anyone have experience/advice or book recommendations?

Thank you for reading xx

I don't have any book recommendations but I am sorry your mother has been so awful. Mine is similar. I'm not sure why.

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is to work on yourself - seek whether a diagnosis may be viable, try therapy for anxiety/low self esteem. As a 50 year old if you are still being battered by your mothers opinion of you some form of therapy would be really beneficial.

You've listed some ASD traits there so I would talk to a doctor about a referral.

I feel for you. I agree with the other posters about you getting a referral - you will probably need to pay for a private ASD test because it’s hard to get an NHS diagnosis if you are able to hold down a job and are generally functioning well.

In the meantime, I recommend Terri Cole - she has a podcast, free newsletters, she did a series on ‘the mother wound’ and is currently covering ‘the father wound’. She gives practical tips on how to manage communication - what to say if you are put in an awkward situation, that kind of thing. https://www.terricole.com/

Sorry to hear about your low self esteem which sounds a lot to do with your mothers treatment of you.

Have a read of Unmasking autism by Devon Price.

Here is a link to Terri Cole’s ‘mother wound’ stuff. https://www.terricole.com/how-to-tell-you-have-a-mother-wound/

She sounds like a narcissist! My mother is the same, and I found this book helpful, especially the case studies and exercises:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Narcissistic-Mothers-How-Heal-Them-ebook/dp/B0D4S1XXJK/ref=mpssa111?crid=2JLAE4DAE61D2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.o65TdbEIkj9u3SktZa1vfsn2al0tyHF7ZyXAGaiI0qoiHReEN45YKqrFqC46FtXHpc-mCKf7zhDFcwskR0pgvXu0Sjva2vIky-VWLTReY01nhtteoide2Ci38BQq6W0MKkqWhde6SP7C0alX0KqlbHtfLB2MrUR-zOIaGds0iQNDeScfLA2bYy-foIocueHXA40LnyXk1GAuTZF32CXcw.s-P8Qx1l9Gi1B-2dOUfhCrkyDoa3QhTGt-4aCLjqxno&dibb_tag=se&keywords=narcissistic+mothers+and+how+to+heal+from+them&qid=1717695571&sprefix=narcissistic+mothers+and+how+to+heal+from+them%2Caps%2C56&sr=8-1

Thank you all for your help, I’ve lots to look at 🙏 xx

i am serious with this advice:

First: accept that you are autistic. You don’t need a diagnosis to know it. You also don’t need your mother’s knowledge or approval.

Second: do not allow your mother to be a nasty rude cow anymore. If she comes round and criticises your weight, then tell her, in these words, “you are so fucking rude - get out of my house now”. It will really shock her if you have previously been a people please.

honestly - quit people pleasing today. It is an autistic trait IME

Op I have much better boundaries now. My mother is negative too. They dont change. I try to ignore. We would have been people pleasers too growing up. Now I say no more ha!

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Agree with the post saying try to work on your anxiety and to explore why you still look for your mother's approval. Can you try therapy if you can get it, or read the books others have mentioned?

As for your mother, can you set some boundaries? Would it really be so awful if you confront her? I'm thinking about your DC growing up seeing how your mother has treated you.

I have a family member who frequently made me feel really low. My wake up call was seeing snapshots from a family holiday. Everyone looked relaxed and happy except me - I looked anxious in every picture. I set some boundaries and distanced myself from that point. No one needs to live with constant criticism.

My mother was hyper critical, my appearance, my voice, how annoying I was etc. She’s projecting onto you.

You don’t actually have to speak to her y’know. I felt so much better after I went NC. If it were a friend you’d have less trouble identifying that the person is horrible to you. With parents you always feel an obligation because they must love you right? Well no they don’t always love you, sometimes they have very little feeling towards you. Think about talking to someone else like that, I’m guessing you wouldn’t but if you did, how little care would you have to have to treat someone that.