To tell parents about his disability before meeting?

[CordeliaC]

I say disability. Not sure if it is properly classed as one.

My partner of nearly a year has a condition which causes one eye to sometimes turn in or out. When we first met I found it a bit jarring and it took months to get used to. Now I'm more or less used to it and hardly notice. Sometimes it happens and other times it doesn't.

I know it's silly as my parents are good people but we don't have anyone with disabilities in the family and my mum always talks about how 'you always have good looking boyfriends'.

My parents have seen photos of him but he often looks completely normal in photos and a friend said he looked gorgeous from photos alone. I hate the thought of him being judged for this and myself a bit for caring. Should I mention it to them so they are aware before meeting?

Yes, I would

What does your partner want you to do

Tell them. Just so they aren’t confused by the eye movements.

I haven't asked him @TraitorsGate and think it would hurt his feelings if I did

I think he generally prefers to pretend it's not present.

Yes, it would be good to tell them so that they are prepared and don't have a strange, surprised look on their faces when they meet your partner and he has the eye movements.

I probably would because if it was something that happens randomly and unexpectedly it might be worrying for them to witness without knowing it was harmless - so rather than judging they might be concerned - and he probably wouldn't want the subject discussed at the time (as you've confirmed). I have a friend with Tourette's and I would definitely explain that to someone before introducing them, but I know that my friend would want that but would not want it done in front of them IYSWIM.

Hmm yeah that's a good point @CassandraProphesying I wouldn't them to be concerned!

I'm riding the line between not wanting to bring it up as though I think it's this big awful thing and also not having it be a big surprise

If you bring it up, you won't be making it a big awful thing unless you make it so.

A casual "oh by the way, when you meet Max his eye sometimes moves, it's no big deal but he doesn't like when people comment on it. Just thought I'd let you know in advance. I can't wait for you guys to meet him, I know he's looking forward to meeting you too!"

Ok @Xiaoxiong I think you're right. Think I need to bring it up in an easy breezy way

I really love him and don't want him to feel judged in any way.

OP, you said yourself that it was disconcerting for you when you met and that it took some time for you to get used to it. So, you know how your parents will feel they first see his strange eye moment. So be kind to your parents and warn them, so that they are not concerned when they first meet.

Is it 'lazy eye' ?

If so it's fairly common

This or something similar is how I’d tackle it.

my dp is autistic and until he knows someone well can be very quiet or shy to the point of being unable to have a conversation although he tries his best to interact when someone engages him first if they don’t he can find himself unable to speak to them but sometimes people take that as he is being rude or aloof once or twice even aggressive because he also has an alternative look (tattoos and piercings) which of course means they don’t and engage (or worse they become rude) with him and because he can’t it can grow into being awkward because then he feeds off their reaction to him thinking he is rude which can further fuel his inability to talk to them!

so there have been a few occasions over the years that I have just casually mentioned it (to be truthful normally with people I know it could cause an issue with but I think that might say more about them than dp!) as a way to diffuse things before they start and it’s always been helpful.

Almost exclusively anyone who has got to know him thinks he is great but it takes that hurdle to get there.

at the same time I assume he has occasionally prewarned people that my mobility isn’t great so a long walk etc wouldn’t work but why don’t we grab a coffee instead, same idea I think.

Ask him.
Really winds me up when people disclose my disabilities to others without asking first.

If it was jarring to you it will be jarring to them, so give them a heads up