to be sick of hearing about the traumas of my 2 friends who have had affairs with married men??

[Toothache]

on the phone now and have been for 3 hours!!!

I'm sorry, I love my best friend but when she was seeing someone who had a partner my answer was always 'He has a partner already, how can you expect anything from him?'
I wouldn't have been her best friend if I hadn't been honest and told her I thought she was an idiot.

Yep, the sound like a pair of clueless self absorbed idiots Toothache. Leave them to it!

I'm a bit puzzled as to why these feckless men are considered any sort of catch tbh. They don't change!

"Only so many times you can say "I'm sure he loves you and won't go back""

You are encouraging them to come to you with their traumas by telling them what they want to hear. If you want them to stop calling, and you want to be a more truly loyal friend start saying "what did you expect"?

I work with a woman who had an affair with a married man. He left his wife and young dcs for her. She now moans about the demanding dcs. And she doesn't trust him at all, to the point of crashing his brother's stag party. And she feels upset that he doesn't want more dcs when she does. I make sympathetic noises without reassuring and all the while thinking - you made your bed.

It's a concept which I cannot concieve of living out either Pan.

Cannot believe how accepting you are of these two friends' behaviour.

Never mind the boring phone calls, for which I do sympathise, having experienced similar in the past. Hasn't anyone told them it is morally wrong to have affairs with married men, especially if they have children, and that most of the men involved are likely to be forever unreliable and untrustworthy? There are nasty words for women like that.

(And no, my husband has never had an affair or left me for another woman!). It never ceases to amaze me what some people find acceptable.

And, how sad are these women. Agree with what many others have said re them. Advising them, gently (or not depending on your mood), to get therapy would be the kindest thing all round!

I had a friend who kept meeting married Nigerian drug dealers in nightclubs then spent hours at my house weeping over why and how it had all gone wrong.

She once turned up 12 hours after i had moved house alone with a 6 week old and 3 year old and stayed fro five hours going on about one of them.

This is the woman who, incidentally, sneers at women 'who drone on about babies'.

Needless to sa,we are no longer friends.

Some friends just feed off you and in a sense abuse you if you let them. A friend of mine (male, platonic) was in this situation recently and he's chosen the wife over the mistress, not that he ever should have had both. Agonising choice.

Not very nice for his wife either .

Particularly as she found out. For a time he was agonising and she didn't know. I feel sorriest in some ways for the other girl but then what did she expect anyway?

Am I wrong in thinking that the odds are, the bloke (scum as he might be) is likely to go back to the wife - who has the power to curtail his access to the children and take him to cleaners on a divorce (unless of course, the wife is main breadwinner like Xenia ) - or for him to leave the wife and still not end up with mistress?

I don't understand why anyone would want someone else's left-offs but then I've always avoided dating married men for this reason - I don't want to spend Saturday nights in waiting on the off-chance he might be free to see me.

Seriously, if you are just telling your friends 'I think he loves you etc' then they are ringing you because you are telling them what they want to hear

You'd be better off being honest

There are nasty words for women like that.

isn't THAT the truth

These days people are very unlikely to say that they believe a friends behaviour is morally wrong. Doesn't mean they don't think it.

And it doesn't mean that men and women who get involved with married people get much sympathy.

A friend would be honest though and say 'stop being a twat.'

I nearly became such a woman - but I wouldn't blether for 3 hours on the phone expecting sympathy from ANYONE. Nor indeed for 1 hour. And I would expect a good friend to yawn audibly or put me in my place if I tried it. Having said that, as you all know, we rarely DECIDE to behave like twats. But no, YANBU.

My SIL had an affair with a married man just after he marriage broke up. She was so happy for ages that I didn't dare say anything negative - she's a lovely woman who had been through sh*t with her arse of an ex-DH. But when it all went pear-shaped she had the decency to shut up about it. Didn't whinge to anyone - accepting that she had 'made her bed'. I still felt for her though

Oh should have added....but DO blether endlessly on HERE about it.

But Grace, on here we can decide to read it or not, toothache didnt have much choice!
I'd also imagine MNers are more honest with their opinions re: affairs too.

Tell your mates to get on to the thread 'Persuade me I'm not in love with him'..

They can blether on all day and night to a sympathetic ear or five and will hopefully stop giving you earache. They may even get over it! x

I could not be bothered, I have a friend from childhood, who's like a sister who has had more affairs than the old hot dinner scenario, and a lot of it is for attention, for the justification that she is still desirable, blah blah, if you sleep with a married man, you don't get a saint you get a lying cheating two faced git. My friend was absolutely 100% positive that her now ex husband was not still sleeping with his ex wife, although I knew better as my dp was her man's friend,she wouldn't have it though, useless conversations, some folk just like drama, IMHO. Good luck

Tell them what my granddad said about my dad (he was right too) the first time he had an affair (it wasn't the last), "If one's not enough, ten won't be too many."

It's one thing to be a bit of a twat and fall for someone who is married, that is a situation which needs to be resolved, one way or the other, as quickly as possible. Your friends sound like teenage girls - which is possibly why they are in this situation - the drama and angst are no doubt, on one level, more exciting that a stable solid relationship.