To ask how you manage your teen's phone use?

[Clueless2000]

Please be kind - feel like I'm failing my DD 14. She got a phone when she went to secondary school and is addicted to it. She would have it in her hand all day if she could and I'm worried about how that constant access to the instant gratification of social media/the internet is affecting her young brain.

She has Snapchat, private Insta account & WhatsApp. I'm not so worried about who/what she's doing on social media, as she is fairly sensible and the type of kid to tell me if anything on SM has worried her (although I know I can never really know). We used to check her phone when she was younger but it started to feel weird to be looking through her messages, a bit like an invasion of privacy. There was never anything on there to concern me. I do check her browsing history and that's fine.

She's not allowed it in her room overnight. But when she's home, she would mindlessly scroll for hours if she could.

I want to set time limits and I don't really want her to be able to have it in her room - but it's so hard when her homework is set digitally. Similarly, I'm happy for her to have calls with her friends in her room - but she normally has video calls and looks online at the same time while she's doing that so that's hard to manage.

I'm thinking of asking her to help me come up with ways we can all reduce our phone use (her dad and me included). Something like:

• Continue with no phone in room overnight
• Allow calls in her room but not just sitting there scrolling
• Impose a time limit for how long she can use internet after school
• We all leave our phones in the kitchen when we're doing something else like watching TV etc and don't just carry them around the house with us

Problem is it's hard to take away freedoms you've already given them, isn't it?

What rules do you have for your kids? And have you had success in limiting access to phones when you've previously been more permissive?

She sounds absolutely fine and you sound like you’re majorly overthinking this. If she wants to have a scroll whilst FaceTiming friends then it’s hardly the end of the world

@stressedespresso did you even read properly? The op said she can scroll for hours? That's fine with you?

Op can you have the computer for homework in a family space?

OP explicitly said that they do not allow her to scroll for hours. The fact that she would if she could (like most teenagers) is different and there’s not much you can do about that. Helicopter parenting isn’t the answer

You are the parent. She is the Child.

Do not be afraid to set new rules or boundaries if you need or want to.

No phones in bedrooms over night is good.

Set time limits on her phone so she can only do a certain amount of mindless scrolling.

Let her know that it is a privilege to have a smart phone and you have the right to ask for it at any time to look through if you feel the need.

If she needs it for homework, make sure that is done in a communal area and once she’s done let her have her “free time” on the phone and once the time is up it does away.

Encourage activities away from the phone. Go for a walk together, out for a Starbucks, baking at home, do each others nails, face masks etc.

Remeber she is your child not your friend. Don’t be afraid to say you are limiting her phone time because it’s beneficial for her well being and it’s not the end of the world. She may be grumpy to start with but will soon settle.

My DS14 has no Snapchat, Insta or YouTube on his phone.
safari is limited to 1 hour.
no phone in bedroom after we've eaten but he can set his speaker to play.
I randomly check his messages and history and have always made it clear this will continue as long as the contract is in my name. Check it less now than I did to start with.
Locked down 8pm-7am.

Hi OP, I have three teens, and I find that the best way to manage their phone use is to make sure they have plenty other interests in their lives. So my DD plays lots of sport, DS2 practises his 2 instruments and plays in a band, DS1 has a part time job etc etc. Then what with school, homework, family time (eg movie night, family poker game) they don't have much time to sit and mindlessly scroll. I think this is better than imposing rules and restrictions. Although I do agree with no phone in room overnight or at mealtimes.

Mine are a bit younger but I would have the same concerns. Is there an opportunity for something that could break the habit, like a family holiday/no phones?

My rough plan is to try and model the behaviour I hope them to have, i.e. make sure I don't always have my phone out myself!
I would set up a time limit that locks down internet access after a set time of use, try to encourage meeting up f2f with friends, after school activities. Homework on the family computer. Really difficult but working in healthcare there's such a massive correlation between young patient depression, anxiety, failure to thrive and excess phone use so it really worries me allowing mine to have a smart phone and helping moderate their use since they're so addictive (said by someone posting online during the day!!! :)

We don't take phones away overnight. They will soon be entering adulthood and need to learn how to regulate their own usage. They are both usually asleep by 10.30pm.

We do have an open and honest relationship which means they feel comfortable talking to me about any issues and they have (I will say though, that it wasn't always easy getting to this point)

We do have restrictions on internet, adult, content set via our router.

We also make sure they have other interests so they're not constantly mindlessly scrolling through their phone. They both spend a lot of time practising their instruments, baking, completing modules for their cadets and out with mates at the beach or skatepark.

Our big rule here is no phones at the dinner table though, and that goes for DH and me, too.

This works for us, but they also both know that they can lose this privilege if they break our trust.

Unfortunately if these kids don't put their phones down we do need to step in and get involved. You got that part wrong. Out of a mum group I'm the only one that steps in and it's a constant battle but I'm doing better then they are for all their judgement of me, mine can at least get to sleep and get up in the morning unlike the friends who are up till 1am on their phones.

I use Family Link.

DS (13) gets 1 hour on his phone a day of unlimited access (as he catches the bus to school) then unlimited access to the homework app, Duolingo, and any other sensible and educational apps.

He is not allowed snapchat, discord, or any social media.

This phone is set to off at 9pm and doesn't turn back on until 7.30pm.

He can have extra phone time when he has and earned it e.g. music practice, homework done, helping out, doing sports.

I'm a teacher and am so fed up of the number "Screen bores" that phones have turned kinds into, particularly those with unlimited access.

Thank you, all.

Yes, you're right, I know I'm the parent and I have to be strict - but it's so difficult when their friends are allowed to do things that they're not, isn't it? Even holding out to not give her a phone til she went to secondary school was hard - so many of her friends had already had phones for a year or two by then.

Setting a time 'lockdown' on her phone use seems an obvious answer, thank you - I didn't know you could put time limits on certain apps though - is that what you meant when you said you use Family Link, @SilentSilhouette ?

My son is 11 and has only just got a phone ready for high school and so he can contact us when out with friends. Some things that work for us so far are:

No devices at meal times or if we are out (pub, dinner, days out etc). We also don’t use ours at these times;

No social media. He is allowed WhatsApp but we check his messages and block anyone who we think is causing an issue. He isn’t allowed to delete his own messages;

He can reply to messages during waking hours but isn’t allowed to scroll. There’s not a lot for him to do on his phone because of no social media so he uses it mostly to play music when him and his brother are gaming;

We allow some time to play a game on there if his brother is using the PS4 but this is fairly limited as they mostly play together or take turns on the console;

No phone in his room. He uses a laptop (one of ours) for homework.

Yes, family link allows you to control which apps they have, and WHEN the apps can be used, and also what time the phone is locked.

Apps can either be blocked, allowed all the time, allowed when they have free phone time allocated, or even a maximum time limit given to using an app.

You can set how much free access time they can have a day, and also see what they've spent their time doing.

Once a child turns 13 they can control their own google account and remove Family Link, but I told DS that if that happens, he can have his phone until I'm home at 4.30pm, and then his phone will be removed whilst he does all his homework, and then he can have it back until 9pm if he has done either sports or music practice and once we've had dinner. He declined this and prefers the Family Link option! It's for Android but Apple have their own version.

The point of a mobile phone is being able to carry it around. They are also designed to be addictive, and setting parental controls or removing it will make it the forbidden fruit and craved after more.
If you’re really worried about how much time she spends on it, just replace it with a phone that can only do calls and texts and give her an hour a day on the laptop or computer to check social media etc

I hate phones. But yes they need them socially

The thing I hate most is the way kids hold them mindlessly scrolling - ie. just like adults do! but its so horrible seeing children do it.

The answer is to set the boundaries 'within' the tech so you are not constantly fighting.

We use the iphone/ family controls that are set from my husbands phone - you can set some apps to be 'always on' - and some to be timed.

How exactly do you expect your child to ever learn self discipline and regulation if you feel the need to police their every move? In a few short years they will be 18, out in the world on their own without mummy telling them when to put their phone down and go to bed. There comes a point where they have to learn for themselves that actions have natural consequences. Stay up late on phone all night = can’t function properly the next day. Any sensible teenager would quickly realise this given half a chance and change their actions. Mine certainly did.

Mine - DD16 - still has screen time restrictions. Maximum 90 min/day of tiktok, 30 min of insta. The phone downtime is active from midnight (used to be 11 pm, but I realized that she very rarely uses it later and tends to go to sleep at a reasonable time).
They are all on their phones too much. I agree with @LemonCitron , if their time is filled with other things, they won't use it so much. Also, my DD turns off notifications when she studies; it took a while to get to that point, but it works now.

Just found this thread @Clueless2000 . I have a same-age daughter (and just started a very similar thread).

I'm finding it just impossible. Every possible course of action seems to have too many downsides. I just want smartphones to f* o** :(

The approach of "you're the parent. You can say no" is all very well, and may work well for some. But it's way more complex than that, if they're attempting to fit in and have certain forms of social life.

We have no phones over night in room (or locked, with only audiobook apps available). Apart from that, I struggle to keep consistent rules with it, because everything keeps changing.

Totally with you @DeskFan . I’m not a soft touch by any means but like you say, it’s just so bloody hard and not as simple as just taking their phone away.

Smart phones can definitely fuck off.

I'm not a soft touch either, @Clueless2000 , but I'm finding this just impossible to "police". I really don't want to police/helicopter, and be a controlling parent. But how can we not want to control something that instinct tells us is potentially seriously unhealthy? And "let them regulate it/learn themselves" is probably also good for some - and of course much less controlling (and we know over-controlling has bad consequences too). But phones (and associated apps) are designed, by very clever people, to be addictive... I don't know how other parents (around me, anyway) seem to be managing this. I just can't.

Take it away and only allow social media once she gets to 16?

Edited to add - I mean the internet. She can still have a phone.

@5475878237NC is that something you have experience of doing with your own teenage girl?

Which will ensure that your teen DD lacks a proper social life. Like it or not, social media is here to stay and is a central part of how this age group communicates

DC is 13 and we have no YouTube or social media on the phone. Just WhatsApp. If he wants to use YouTube he can borrow my laptop.

30 min a day limit on safari. If needs to look up anything more than that again he can get the laptop but that makes it more deliberate and less mindless scrolling.

no phones upstairs or at the table.

No advice but just wanted to add my support as a parent with teens. The bit I hate, is that I was definitely not a helicopter parent when they were going but feel like one now and I hate it. I have no issue in laying down boundaries but the tech issue is so nuanced and I hate the headspace or takes up!
In terms of solutions, we are like you - no phone at bed, or at dinner. Like a previous poster mentioned, I keep them busy with other things but then I find I'm exhausted just monitoring and organising it all!
So much easier not to have one.