Friends went for lunch without me

[TheTipsyCat]

Apologies in advance- long post…

been friends with a group of 4 others since school. I was kinda pushed to the outside as they went on holiday together which I couldn’t afford (they had the bank of mum and dad, I didn’t) and they went out every weekend when I was working. I joined whenever I could. I moved away from the area for a while and we did keep in touch. One friend in particular and I always made the effort to phone and text weekly and she kept me up to date with the others and vice versa. Then they started going out without inviting me. I asked why I wasn’t invited and no one had an answer. Then I was invited again for a short time. I always made an effort to go.
anyway, one time I was tagged in a post when they were all out, they said they were missing me. I hadn’t even been invited!!

Covid made it hard to meet up, but afterwards we all met up a couple of times and things were fine. Then they started meeting up without me, with this one friend saying she thought they felt I was competition. I asked in what way and she said they always wanted to know what car I drive, where I’m going on holiday etc. I said I couldnt understand why. She also made out she was barely in touch with them and talked about friendships moving on, but how glad she was that our friendship was still good.

She then invited me for a big night out with them all giving me 1 days notice. I work full time, have 3 young children and zero babysitters. I said to her I would have loved to go but it was too short notice. She agreed and said she probably wouldn’t be going. Turned out it had been planned for a while. I said if I was really wanted at the night I would have been invited when the plans were first made. She agreed and made out it was the others fault. She ended up going on the night out.

The pair of us went out for a lunch (I said invite the others but she said she wanted it to be just us) a while later and I raised the issue again. She said she nearly invited them to our lunch but thought it wasn’t fair on me so didnt. I said she should have as I have no issues with them and would have liked to have seen them. She said she didn’t know they had to be like that - they were just odd and stuck in the past from when they went on holiday together (like 20 years ago!) and like to keep it to the 4 of them. I was hurt but decided to accept their friendships were over.

i bumped into one of them randomly and she gave me a huge hug and chatted for ages, saying she’d love to catch up. I said that would be fab and she said she’d be in touch.

I messaged the friend I’d kept in touch with saying how it had been good to see the other friend and saying we should all meet up. She didn’t acknowledge that part of the text and went on to talk about other things.

next thing, at the weekend, when she knew I was free, they’re on social media having lunch at a restaurant walking distance from my house, saying they’re missing one of the 4 who couldn’t make it. No mention to me at all they were going out even tho I’d spoken to 2 of them within the past week. I’m now doubting the so called friend who I speak to on a weekly basis. Can I trust her or has she been trying to keep me apart? AIBU thinking I should have been invited?

I don't trust the friend who is staying in touch, as PP said it's almost like she's keeping you sweet but gatekeeping to keep you in your place. I would keep them as acquaintances/minor friends only, if you see them occasionally great but focus on finding other friends.

Are the others childfree as they seem to be more available for meet ups? Just playing devil's advocate, do you talk about your children all the time and nothing else- not saying you do! As a childfree person I've definitely pulled back from meeting up for that reason, it is utterly dull hearing someone drone on about children/babies non-stop which is a subject I can't relate to and there's only so much polite interest I can feign!

You also mention having a better job than them that you "worked your socks off to get". Does this translate in your conversations with them?

One doesn’t have children, but I make a point of not saying much about mine. I’m conscious of not boring everyone with them.

@TheTipsyCat I think you are desperately trying to remain friends and fit in with a group that has sadly moved on without you. That's a hard thing to admit and hard to experience too. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I think the more you try, the more power they have. However hard, I'd stop making the effort. Try to spend time with other friends and make these friends a part of your past. You don't need to fall out, have drama, block anyone. Just move on, smile and be friendly when you bump into them, reply to any texts nicely but without asking about get togethers or planning anything and stop giving them power. You wanting a friendship they are keeping from you = handing them power on a plate!

Sounds like your friend was keeping you away for the other 3, which means the other 3 now no longer see you as one of the group. Who knows what the friend has been saying about you. Maybe they have been inviting you via your friend, but the invites haven't been passed on.

Tbh you can't now exclude your friend and contact the other 3 as it'll seem like you're deliberately excluding your friend. Plus she'll be invited too. All too much hasssle.

Time to dump the lot of them and make new friends

Have you arranged meeting up with them all rather than asking that one friend to do the inviting?

Block every single one of them. They're not your friends, and they're also no loss to you.

This.

My advice: get off social media and get new friends.

You are wasting your time with these people.
Actions speak louder than words, they don’t invite you and aren’t your friends.
stop bothering with them and make the effort to see other friends.

Yes move on op they dont sound sincere at all. I let a few friends go as got one sided efforts.

She is controlling your access to the others. She is not your friend.

Build relationships with the other two if you still want to be involved with them.

Op
Why are you scalling them, "friends"??

No offence but rightly or wrongly they don't want you.

Please do not degrade yourself - just avoid them.

It would be harder if you all worked together but you don't

I have no real friends other than family - often more than one friend is not really a friend

Good luck

It sounds like they have more in common with each other as you moved away and have a good job etc and they possibly have had a more static existence and have similar lives and affirm each other. Whether they actively exclude you isn’t clear but I would concentrate on other friends and withdraw quietly just as @anon4net says.

While I think your efforts should be elsewhere I really question the role of the friend who keeps in touch. In every paragraph of your OP there is some kind of ‘misunderstanding’ or rather deliberate sounding late notice given, comments about others seeing you as competition and ignoring your direct positive contact with one of them. When someone tells you how others feel about you then you can bet it’s what they really think and I’d question how she seems to be so sure. I wouldn’t be surprised if your reputation has been well and truly managed by her and she’s the one I’d be keenest to keep at arms length.

I may have a jaundiced view because I’ve had a similar experience myself where slowly it dawned on me that I wasn’t being included much in a circle of friends I made though my DCs school year ago. I’m not big on tight friendship groups so it took me a while to realise, especially as no one was unfriendly. It turned out that one of the fairly large group who had made herself the organiser had slowly manoeuvred me to the edge by telling people I couldn’t make a date without mentioning it to me and lots of small, quite clever, subtle and not on the face of it negative manipulations. I was busy and didn’t really notice it until one of the group said one thing to me directly about how she was sorry I could never join them, and it all fell into place. The person ‘working hard to keep me in the loop’ was doing the opposite. I realised that she was much more loyal when my life was difficult, but if things were going well for me she was much keener to exclude me. I’ve never fallen out with her, I’ve just made sure I’ve made her redundant by seeing other friends and organising directly on a more one to one basis with people from that circle. I don’t share details of my life with her. In her case I think it was envy and I was in a competition I had no idea I was in!

This sounds so similar! It’s only now I’m realising that she must have been instrumental in keeping me excluded. I was genuinely shocked when she said she thought the others were jealous/in competition as I am absolutely not that type of person. In fact, I completely down played all my successes to them and tried not to talk about them.

It’s very hurtful but hearing everyone saying the same helps knowing I’m stepping way back - especially from the ‘closest friend.’

It also sounds like hard work in other ways - you don’t talk about your children because you don’t want bore them, you downplay/don’t talk about your successes - what is it even based on, this (non) friendship? Sounds like you don’t feel like you can be authentic and just yourself, with them

Some friends are like clothes and we grow out of them.

The friend that stayed in touch is the one who has isolated you I'm guessing .haven't read the full thread but that's what's standing out from your post .

No, I don’t think the friend has kept in touch is evil at all. I think she feels mean that the others want her booted out of the main group and so she’s trying to meet up with you to be kind.

If she was evil, why would she bother to Keep meeting you?

Maybe she just wants the OP to herself or for the OP to only have her? Or maybe she enjoys the power play? Who knows, but it seems clear that this’friend’ is keeping her away from ‘her’ special little group.

Times change, people change.

I can totally understand the exclusion from the friends group is quite devastating especially given your circumstances and that you made the effort when possible.

Thanks for this - you are very perceptive. You’ve pointed out things I didn’t want to see but in such a non-judgmental way.

I’m sorry about the situation you’ve been in too. Sounds very similar and horrible. It’s so strange when you realise the truth was the opposite of what you thought, and I totally hear you about being in a competition you had no idea you were in!! Bizarre xx

Are you speaking from experience because for sure I think you need to do some self reflecting yourself.

The one who keeps in touch with you is probably feeding them bullshit too you know.

Telling them you feel negatively about them, telling them she's invited you to these things and you've said no.

If you speak to the others and say how hurt you are when your 'friend' tells you x, y and z I suspect they won't know what the hell you are on about.

With friends like this who needs enemies!!!

It sounds like they get some weird playground kick from keeping you on the outside. If you care about someone you invite them...properly.

Seen also the jealous sides of many female friends so could be related to this but really why bother with people like this? I've seen friends turn their backs on us due to our race and SEN after their kids bullied mine. Nothing would surprise me.