To think there must be a better way to live?

[Runforyourliiife]

I’m in my late 30s, two primary school age children. I am often considered “petite”, and if I want, I can get to a BMI of 19 and look “healthy skinny”. However, I LOVE food and have a really bad sweet tooth. So basically, I swing between weeks/months of constant attempts at maintaining the skinny look, and weeks/months in which I give in and just eat as I like. I never put on much weight, just under a stone max, and the highest BMI I’ve been was 21. But then I miss being skinny. And I try again. And then I feel this burden on me everyday to try and be mindful of what I eat. And it goes on and on and on. Years of this.

So I’m wondering. Why do I keep having this battle between wanting to be skinny, but also not wanting to restrict/be too bothered about a little layer of fat on my tummy. It’s ridiculous. I feel ridiculous and superficial and vain and stupid. And then I think.. but i CAN be skinny. So why shouldn’t i. Seriously, there must be a better way to live…

Yeah there is

I think as you age a bmi of a 19 won't be particularly flattering on most people.

its social conditioning especially at your age (I’m 40 so not too far off of your age) we are the generation who were told that skinny is best.

Yeah, there is.

That sounds awful. Some therapy to help with your food/body image issues would be a good idea. Hopefully, before you pass it on to your DC.

I can’t really give you any useful advice as I have never been like this. My BMI is higher than yours, probably 23-24? I don’t like it as a measuring tool anyway but I think that’s what it is.

I would rather weigh this than be in a constant back and forth in my mind like the situation you describe. I do not read labels or count calories, I just try to eat 3 healthy ish meals a day and if I want a piece of fruit or a slice of cake around that then I do it.

Might sound counter intuitive but could you just look at yourself and think, you’re happy with yourself as you are… if you become overweight that’s when you’ll make the difference? I think we over complicate things these days. Exercise and eat well and you’ll look how your body is supposed to, and hopefully feel good too x

I think, just like most of us, you crave sweets and fatty food at the expense of gaining weight and having possible health issues as you age.

Can you try to give yourself one or two days a week where you don't worry? Then the rest of the week stay on a balanced diet. Doing a yo-yo diet isn't good for your health.

I have a BMI of 20 and any less than that and I just look gaunt and too thin. I’ve also eaten a large pizza and 5 pain au chocolats today 😂. Life’s too short to obsess over this kind of shit IMO.

What @CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine said

If you lived through the toxic 00s size zero obsession (think trinny and Suzanna, all the models/wags like Kate moss/posh etc,) even programmes like super size Vs super skinny and secret eaters. Even if you didn't watch them there was a lot of body shaming around in the general culture
(Don't flame me re: slender celebs, that's not my point, obv it's fine to be slim or curvy) And a lot of bizarre diet culture Atkins etc.

I've been teeny tiny in past, but if I notice I'm judging myself now (30s, midsize, post baby) I just try to be mindful of what my internal voice is saying and try to reframe it as what my body has done (survived surgery, made a baby, fed a baby etc)

Idk if that helps you but I hope so. Let yourself eat a treat or two xx

Agree.
Conditioned
As long as you exercise/ keep tonned - I walk a lot - you can look good at a range of weights.

Thank you everyone, really appreciate you taking the time to reply.
ive looked at myself in the mirror this morning and gave myself a talking to. I tell myself some of the things you said but I’m hoping having heard it from others will reinforce them. And I’ll have a think about some therapy perhaps. I do also feel the conditioning is a really big part of it, but it’s also far from over (the body shaming), just done much more subtly. Look at the current advert on the mumsnet main page. Who has a body like that?!?

Do you exercise OP or is it all about dieting? I work on a reward basis - lots of exercise = fine to eat lots of food! Best of both worlds and works for me!

And about the advert body - some people just have ultra thin frames (that's why they're in photos) and it's probably photoshopped anyway. IME everyone is insecure about something, even the super slender with perfect skin/hair etc. If you're going to compare yourself at least choose the large number of people who are bigger than you to make yourself feel better!

I get this at times; I mostly eat healthily with a few treats and maintain my weight but every so often (holidays and Christmas mainly) I put a few pounds on and then reduce my food to get back to my weight but then end up losing more to be quite skinny and battle between then wanting a life with treats verse something that feels addictive about under eating. I changed this during the last year by starting at the gym with a focus on being healthy and fit rather than losing weight and I find it impossible to exercise and reduce my food intake so something about that has given me a better balance

This is exactly what I do!!! So hard when you see yourself get skinnier and skinnier and it becomes almost addictive!
I do play netball once a week and like you I need to eat before exercise. Perhaps I need to start doing more, like running now that days are longer and could go after kids are in bed
thank you!

Outside size isn't always the best judge of healthiness.

Lots of skinny people consume the right amount of calories but the wrong types of food, so look "healthy" on the outside but are not healthy on the inside.

So rather than it being about having a bit of fat on the belly, I think it's more of a subconscious thing about not feeling quite so healthy on the inside.

A friend of mine classifies as obese but she doesn't drink alcohol, doesn't eat any processed junk. She just eats too much - home cooked meals from scratch. She is medically very healthy on the inside - very low fat around organs, blood pressure good etc...

I'm tall and slim but not so healthy on the inside as I do like beige processed food!

If your BMI never goes over 21, you need to stop focusing on your weight- because it’s fine- and improve your relationship with food. It sounds as though you’re trapped in a cycle of emotional eating and rewarding yourself with sweet crap, and then punishing yourself for that, which is only going to make the sweet crap seem more desirable. I’m not an expert, but it seems to me you need to get out of that cycle.