He's making me wonder if I'm insane

[Downbad75]

I think my partner is gaslighting me. Often I will bring up something I'm upset about he will tell me I'm a hypocrite as I do the same thing to him or that this is crazy as he didn't do anything etc. Granted I might not bring issues up in the right way as I feel quite defensive when I bring anything up to him and often bottle things up and then finally snap at something minor. I end getting so confused that I just tell him to forget I have said anything as he always starts his point with "and do you not think maybe you..." and it's infuriating. I rarely bring anything up because I have to justify why I feel a certain way and when I do, I end up feeling the one in the wrong. I have been fairly certain he is emotionally abusive as he puts me down, will snap at me if I don't do small things in the way that he likes and once came up in my face with his fists to intimidate me during a heated argument. I have came away from todays disagreement feeling that I'm the problem and him saying I make all the decisions so he can't be controlling. It certainly doesn't feel like i make all the decisions as I feel like I am living life the way he wants. Sorry if I sound crazy, I just feel so confused. One minute I'm sure he is the problem and the next I'm trying to wrack my brains for what he has even done wrong.

You don't sound crazy. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you know you are being abused when you are able to think clearly. Get some support ASAP before your mental health is impacted and you lose that rational thought and strength you have left or before this escalates to violence.
Contact womens aid. Talk to family and friends you trust, let them know what is going on so they can support you.

Op if you have family about you should talk to them. Neither of you can be happy living like this. Do you have children?

You don't have to justify the way you feel to anyone. He's not for you

You are in an abusive relationship.
Can you safely leave?

Doesn’t sound good OP.

In a healthy relationship should be able to talk about issues or concerns in an honest and open way. Sure it might be true that he has his own “complaints” but if he’s waiting until you bring up your concerns before turning things on you or if he’s not willing to hear you out before becoming defensive and aggressive then it absolutely sounds like gaslighting.

It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship where conversations can be open and honest.

Perhaps take some time away from him to reflect if this is the person for you? Having a bit of space might confirm what you’re already starting to realise

You're not compatible. End it and be free of the bs. Life is too damn short to spend it with nobbers

A healthy relationship looks absolutely nothing like this. Do you really want to feel this way for the rest of your life? Frustrated, confused, dejected, humiliated? Fuck that. Get rid of him.

Thanks responses are all very true, we are not compatible. Maybe I need to stop focussing on if he is the problem and just accept we are so unhappy. I just feel defensive and fed up of stuff being my fault when I know he's worn me down and treated me badly but I guess it takes two to make a relationship this unhealthy. I keep thinking I will leave him as he treats me so bad and then we have an argument and I doubt it all.

Do you have children together? Do you share a home? Is it rented or on a mortgage?

I think you need to speak to somebody in real life and make sure you choose someone who will not automatically say you are at fault. It's pretty clear to us what he is like.

The last thing you need is to talk to someone who thinks it's all down to you. If you have a history of toxic relationships in the family then those are the people to avoid!

The golden rule is though that if anyone makes you feel like you're insane, then you should get as far away from them as you can.

He wants you to think you're crazy. Any money in due course when you say you're leaving he'll be telling you you'll never get another partner as nobody would want you etc etc. to try and get you to stay so he doesn't have to train a replacement for you...

It's all part of the script. He won't change. Make plans to leave. Sorry

I could have written this myself about 6 years ago. I can really relate to everything you're going through. I remember the frustration of always being the one to apologise when I'd try to bring up something he's done, the systematic put downs, the raised fists but never actually punching (so he can insist he's not abusive!), the claim that I'm the controlling one as everything always has to be on my terms (even though it feels very much the opposite). I went through it all, too.

And this...

I'm trying to wrack my brains for what he has even done wrong.

...this feels eerie to read because I felt exactly the same. Your partner is a specific type of abuser known as the water torturer (I'll link a description below). Perhaps the most insidious thing about this type of abuser is that his tactics are subtle and very difficult to pin point. You feel abused, but if you had to describe what he's actually doing, you don't know how. So you feel in this constant state of pure confusion and uncertainty, and because you feel so confused, whereas he seems so certain and self-assured all the time, you start to believe it must be you who's the problem.

I just want to reassure you that you're not crazy, and there's nothing wrong with you. You're with a bad man. He knows what he's doing and it's all with the intention of destabilising you. Please speak to someone in real life, or contact Women's Aid for support. You don't have to go through this alone.

https://www.tayashton.com/the-water-torturer

@yellowsmileyface oh my gosh that article just sums it up! Thanks for your post it has really helped. I always apologise and although everything is "on my terms" it's meaningless things like what to have for dinner, big life decisions are made to be my choice but manipulated into the best out of specific choices if that makes sense. I feel a lot clearer when I don't speak to him about anything as even friends have agreed they hate the way he speaks to me. But it's all such small things and even the way he speaks to me sometimes - that's what the disagreement was about and he turned round and said this is fucking crazy I haven't done anything. So yes it's really confusing. I have even been going to a counsellor for 6 months and still can't unpick it all when he does that kind of stuff. I honestly walk away feeling like I have abused him. Thank you so much for the reassurance it has really helped this morning. I feel much clearer after sleeping on things but just feel I go back to square one when I speak to him which is a big part of why I haven't left yet😔

Your eyes are opening OP and you'll start to notice more and more little things now you are aware. It speaks volumes that you 'go back to square one' when you speak to him, he's clearly messing with your head and manipulating you.

If you're not ready to leave yet then just try to stand back and observe his behaviour for a little while, now you know what he's doing it will become glaringly obvious and seeing it will strengthen your resolve to leave. Then when you are ready just go/end it, don't give him chance to speak and risk him gaslighting and confusing you again, you know that's what he does now so can avoid letting him suck you back in.

And be careful, they don't like it when you wake up and start to pull away so keep your safety at the forefront of everything you do from now until you can get away from him.