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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm going into a women's refuge tomorrow.

17 replies

Refugenewbie · 05/06/2024 19:35

I'm going into a women's refuge tomorrow after six months in a psychiatric ward. My ex has the children. I have done everything in my power to stay in their lives as a daily presence since I had to leave the family home.

In hospital everything is done for you. All you have to do is take your pills and turn up for occupational therapy. Every night I dream that I'm searching for my children and sobbing but when I wake up, the pillow is dry.

I know Women's Aid are amazing. The only place available is an hour from my children and my friends. I don't know what to expect about life in a refuge. People tend to think I'm posher than I actually am and I had a very sheltered upbringing, albeit now with psych ward experience.

Can anyone tell me what to expect and what to do/not do? Every day away from my kids is agony and I don't want to go down in flames during this waiting period. Social services have no concerns about my parenting.

OP posts:
Hesma · 05/06/2024 19:39

I can’t offer any advice but I’m afraid but wanted to send a hug and hope all works out for you x

Caerulea · 05/06/2024 19:42

Hey :), I've not got any advice for you but wanted to say good luck. I know about the dreams, though, my eldest lived with my parents for a while when he was little (I had nowhere proper to live) & I used to have appalling nightmares about him, waking in the night in a panic, looking for him. Try not to dwell on them, cos I know how overwhelming thinking about them can be, even 20yrs later!

Really really good luck to you though, you've obviously really been through it. Don't doubt yourself, remember what's waiting for you at the end of the tunnel & absolutely do not give up. You've got this!

Hope someone comes in with some practical experience for you xxx

Worried1987 · 05/06/2024 19:45

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I haven’t been to a refuge as I very narrowly avoided it by going to stay with a family member.

This thread used to be pinned to the top of the relationships board and has some good advice about going into a refuge.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge | Mumsnet

After many years of living with a miserable, abusive bully I finally had enough and called Women's Aid for help. They were wonderful and put me in tou...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

Anotherparkingthread · 05/06/2024 19:50

I don't have any experience to share, but most of the women there will have a lot of empathy and be going through the same things themselves. It doesn't matter how posh you sound, anybody can fall in shitty times, just be kind and humble and not snobby. Have really clear boundaries as well, vulnerable people can be clingy and expect others to help them without realising what they are asking. It's not their fault, but remember you can be somebodies friend and say no. You don't owe anybody anything and you can't help somebody else when you're barely surviving yourself. You need to focus on yourself. I don't know your financial situation but don't tell anybody you have any money at all. It's just safer that way.

Mabel222 · 05/06/2024 19:51

Im sorry I don't have any advice either. But, I also want to send you lots of love and hugs x

BouleDeSuif · 05/06/2024 20:26

Hi, 12 years ago I went into a women's refuge and I was so frightened, but honestly it was fine.
I had been on a mental unit for a while before like you.

I had a bedroom in the refuge, a cupboard in a shared kitchen and a shared bathroom- but I think these days you get a self contained flatlet set-up, a friend of mine had that in 2016.

The staff were great, they know exactly how to help you with the physical organising your life stuff and they know all the places you can go for help.

Being in a safe place with women who knew exactly what I had been through was such a relief and I didn't have to pretend to be strong or brave or anything any more, it was just peace.

You can keep yourself to yourself if you want and nobody can make you do things for your own good, as it were, like they do on a mental unit. (I had a horrible time there.)

You will be fine. You will.
Feel free to PM me if you want to.

Noseybookworm · 05/06/2024 22:45

I have no advice for you but just wanted to say I hope it will be a good safe place for you to help you heal and get your children back with you. It sounds like you have been through a very rough time and hopefully this is the beginning of a new chapter in your life. You are strong and resilient to have come this far. Take care of yourself lovely, the future is brighter 💐

SalviaDivinorum · 05/06/2024 22:51

No advice but I couldn't read and run. xx

glittercunt · 05/06/2024 23:38

I've been in two refuges.

The first time, I fled to a safe person but couldn't stay there more than a few nights while women's aid found somewhere for me.

Second time, I'd anticipated a break up was going to go badly and asked for advice and as they knew me and understood the situation they held a room for me and my kids which helped.

Different refuges are... different. Both the ones I stayed in were converted houses, where a few homes had been knocked through.

Some people stay a little, some are there for months, but everyone gets the situation and it's so good to be able to talk and support each other.

You will also receive proper support with things like the freedom program, benefits, finding a council place if it's needed, working out where to go from there etc.

Women's aid are amazing. Some refuges have staff there during the day, others don't. But they're working hard behind the scenes to get us as safe as possible

You will be OK.

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 05/06/2024 23:45

Another with no experience or advice but I had to post and let you know I'm sending you positive hugs and best wishes xxx ♥️

Salrose123 · 06/06/2024 11:50

Hi,

I was in a mental health hospital for 2 weeks being assessed last November, ex took all three of my children, 3 8 and 6.

He returned youngest in December and due to his constant harassment i moved to a refuge in Jan

In court proceedings re older two which he was refusing for me to see ( only phone calls)

Refuges are brilliant places.

They will help you get into contact with solicitors / sort out legal aid.

Through courts direct contact has arranged.

Refuges have curfews but you would be able to see your children as much as you wanted if your ex allows it?

My ex didnt hence court proceedings.

You may still need to go to court to officially sort out where and who they will live with.

Im in my second refuge as ex found out where i was.

The women are very kind and understanding overall from the support workers to the residents,but also go with your intuition.

You decide how much you want to interact, how much you want to open.

The freedom programme you do was very eye opening for me.

I wish I had known how great refuges were, the support is immense.

Take each day as it comes, i felt there s so much stigma around

  • mental health
  • domestic abuse
  • being a single parent

I

I felt personally maybe i was "judgy" around my own lack of awareness around this until i experienced all three.

I was diagnosed as having an acute stress reaction.

You will find a lot of relief in being in a refuge after hospital

if you want more information please feel free to DM

Xxx

Refugenewbie · 06/06/2024 22:30

I just want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. My state of mind is such that I completely forgotten I'd created it - sorry for not returning sooner. I appreciate all the responses so much. This refuge is a beautiful space with very kind staff and I'm safely here.

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 06/06/2024 22:51

Just wanted to send lots of love. I hope you are well supported and have access to legal help to try and get access to your children. Hopefully a fellow poster will be able to give some more advice.

Do not despair. Better times are round the corner.

determinedtomakethiswork · 06/06/2024 22:52

So glad you are safe and settled. Wishing you all the best.

Sarahzb · 06/06/2024 22:55

I wish you all the best

ilikecatsandponies · 07/06/2024 09:22

Sending love, I'm glad you are safe and being supported. I hope things work out well for you. X

Hesma · 08/06/2024 13:11

@Refugenewbie I’m so glad you’re there and you’re safe. Now you can get the support you need and hopefully feel less alone.

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