Old photos of DH’s Ex GF

[Aelathehuntress]

Helping sort out some of DH’s stuff today & came across a bunch of old photos. They are all of his first GF. He said he had got rid of all his old pics, letters etc years ago & now hidden, I come across these. I know it’s 20+ years ago & I don’t specifically feel like people should have to erase their past & get rid of old pics & love letters etc. But he said he had. I don’t know why I feel kind of sad. Is it because she looks young & beautiful in the pics & I’m middle aged now. It’s made me feel a bit inadequate for some reason. They parted on bad terms. He acts like he can’t stand her etc. So why keep pics squirrelled away. For context, she got pregnant just before they split & didn’t tell him until just before the birth. She had his child. They struggled to co parent & there was parent alienation issues from her side hence why he seemed to dislike her so much. I came when his child was a toddler & did a lot of child care. Ive sometimes felt that he picked me because I was good “mother” material. So is it unreasonable of me to feel a bit sad he kept her pics.

YABU: People should be able to keep pics of ex’s, it doesn’t mean anything.
YANBU: It’s natural to feel a bit sad my DH kept her pics.

Yanbu to feel upset that he lied about not having the photos. Small lies hurt so much as they make you question what other lies have they told. Lying also takes away your right to set a personal boundary.

I would ask him why he kept them and why he lied that he hadn’t and tell him that you are expecting a full & truthful answer. Then, if he does that - it’s okay to move on.

If he adds insult to injury by saying “I don’t know why” then Id find it harder to move on past the lie as it would feel like an insult that he is not making an effort to provide you with an adequate explanation.

TBH I still have my wedding photos from 20 years ago! My XH means nothing to me, certainly no where near what DP means, however it was an important part of my life and one I don't want to just chuck away. It may not be anything much at all.

Thank you both for replying. It makes me feel a bit pathetic that it’s bothered me. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if he found photos of my ex. I’m still not sure whether to ask him about it or just leave it. @OrlandointheWilderness i get why you’ve still got your wedding pics & I get she’s the mother of his child that he hasn’t seen for the past god knows how long! It’s not like he is keeping them to share with his child someday as they don’t have a relationship.

You're being massively unreasonable I'm afraid OP. I've got a box with photos and other bits and bobs from exes, and a folder in my emails with some old emails saved as well.

Some of the splits were very acrimonious, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to forget that that part of my past exists. There's one ex in particular that still scares me if I see her in the distance, that I turn and walk the other way rather than risk bumping into her. I've still got some photos of her in my box though, because we also had good times before it went bad, and I want to remember the concert we went to, or that time we hung out in the pub garden all day with Jessica and Phil, or even just remember that she wasn't always the person who destroyed all my belongings in a fit of rage.

People have a history, and its not fair to make them get rid of all evidence of that.

You're not pathetic. I feel jealous when I see bloody photos of myself and dh from almost 20 years ago. Someone I feel my aging is more of an issue than his, hello patriarchy.

Got rid of also might have meant hidden in the depths of boxes in the attic as opposed to binned. Like put away.

@Bobbotgegrinch thanks for this. It makes me feel better. I don’t feel like people have to erase their past. Maybe I just felt a bit shocked when I came across them. And most of the pics are from a trip they took that is of great interest to him. He has said he would like to take me there someday.

@Livelaughlurgy I feel like he knew he still had them & just didn’t want to tell me at the time so hid them away. Thanks for saying my feelings don’t make me pathetic. I know it’s stupid & am kind of shocked I felt so bad.

Why were you going through his stuff?

It's possible he'd forgotten about them. It's also possible he wanted to keep them because they are pics of the mother of his child. I dont have a problem with a partner having photos from his past (I'd draw the line at sex vids or nudes) but Im old and have a history myself.

It is really very sad that he doesn't t have a relationship with his now adult child, and that he dumped a lot of childcare on you instead of stepping up himself (maybe the two are connected) but perhaps he wishes he did better and those photos represent a hope of some sort.

@Lemsipper Even though I don’t feel people have to erase their past it’s just he said he had binned them so I didn’t expect to come across them. Still wondering whether to tell him I found them? If I know him he wouldn’t have meant to lie, just save my feelings at the time. I was binning my ex’s pics (my choice)& he said he was too. Maybe he thought that was what I expected.

I very much understand you feeling like that but he hasn't done anything wrong. The fact that they have a child means he should definitely keep them - it's part of that child's story of how they came to be. The lying is an issue, if it was definitely lying? Could 'got rid of' have meant he packed them well away where they aren't part of your lives, as opposed to binned them? Or that he did get rid of some but had forgotten about them?

Cross post I can see you said he'd binned them.

@HellonHeels I was organising his stuff as we are moving house & he is super busy with work. I’m not angry with him about it. Maybe with myself for letting it bother me. He was an amazing dad to his child but slowly the child was poisoned against him. It broke both our hearts. I did do a lot of childcare & was involved, but we were a family navigating work, access etc. He was a hands on & loving dad. I hope they can come back together again one day when his child is ready to talk.

Oddly enough, a lot of the pictures in my box are of an ex that I only went out with for 5 months, 3 of which we spent backpacking in another country. It was 20 years ago, and we were deeply unsuited for each other in real life, and only really worked as a couple when we were off on an adventure.

When I'm looking at those pictures, I'm remembering the trip rather than the ex. It was an amazing place that I'd love to go back to (but probably never will because "I want to show you this amazing place that I spent months in with another woman" wouldn't go down well with DP). It was one of the most fun, relaxing enjoyable periods of my life, and I'll never ever forget it, but none of that is because of my ex, she was just the person I was there with. When I get nostalgic over those photos, I'm nostalgic over the place, the time, the activities, not necessarily the company.

Well he was happy to use you to do his childcare, he doesn’t sound that great. Maybe he lied, it wouldn't be the first time he's pulled the wool over a womans eyes.

Why did you have his kid for him anyway?

@pinkyredrose this isn’t helpful and actually kind of rude and snarky for no reason.

It kind of did read as snarky. :-( Sorry OP, it wasn't meant to be.

It's the lying that's really upsetting isn't it. It's like he 'secretly' kept those pictures. I would be pissed off that he lied tbh.

I do think this is worth a conversation with him. He may have done exactly what he said and threw out all the ones he had to hand. Perhaps these were misplaced and he didn't realise he still had them.

It may be a genuine mistake, you'll probably be able to tell from his expression but I'd be upset if it turns out to be a lie.

Did he lie or did he simply forget about that collection of photos hence him saying he had got rid of them but hasn't actually got rid of them all?

When my partner and i became serious he had photos of his ex wife on Facebook, all of them with their kids in them. I asked him to remove them and he refused as they were part of his history and also had the kids in. I accepted he was entitled to keep them on and I was being insecure. After all their relationship was over and he wanted to be with me, not her. I’d maybe be more concerned if he wanted to erase all traces of her as it would seem that he was still very hurt about them ending.

Yeah I’d be bothered.

I’d be bothered because he’s probably spent YEARS slagging her off and then kept old time photos.

He has most likely forgotten about them OP but I’d be asking why he kept them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him keeping pics of his ex, especially if they have a child together. But I too would be upset that he lied about throwing them away. That's not on and would make me question what else he'd lied about.

I can see a situation where he did chuck some out, but missed those ones at the time and then forgot about them. He may not have lied.

i guess its each to their own, my ex and i split 20 ish years ago but i kept the love notes etc as they are quite nice and sweet