To feel so miserable

[TheMoodyOne]

From the outside I have a good life, a lovely, caring husband with a good job, two beautiful children, a lovely house in a lovely area, a good circle of friends, family support and I work part time hours around school.

However I feel overwhelmed by everything the majority of the time. I'm angry and irritable, I have no patience with my kids and I hate the type of parent I am always shouting, saying no and have no enthusiasm for the usual playing with them it bores me to death and they can't play nicely anyway, if we try to do lego or a jigsaw it always ends in them arguing and at least one of us (sometimes all of us) in tears!! I always feel like I have something to do! The beds need changing, the bathroom needs cleaning, the endless endless laundry and ironing it's a full time job in itself and I don't understand how anyone stays on top of all this.

Before we had children I had a good career but it came with long hours, a long commute and weekends working extra hours. It was my choice to get a part time job closer to home but I feel like I've sacrificed everything whereas my husband has carried on as normal without a second thought for everything I have to do. He's not totally useless he will do some jobs around the house but the majority falls to me, I do all the cooking, meal planning and main bigger cleaning jobs but he does the everyday stuff like washing the dishes, hoovering etc. He'd never know if the kids needed new clothes, coats, shoes.

I'd actually like to go back to work full time and pay for a cleaner, someone to do my ironing and someone to pick my kids up from school and feed them!! My husband is not supportive of this. My current job is good hours and pretty well paid for very little responsibility and stress however I find it boring and unfulfilling!

As much as I love my kids I honestly think if I could go back in time I wouldn't have them and that makes me hate myself. I'd love to emigrate but I know my husband would never ever consider it and I couldn't take the children away from their grandparents.

I can't tell anyone in real life how I feel, I'd never admit it. I don't know if i need to see the GP but it scares me I'll be fobbed off with antidepressants, and despite what this post sounds like I actually don't think I'm depressed, I do enjoy things, I like socialising, exercising, days out, holidays, I just hate the responsibility of day to day life!!

I had to double check that I'd not written this post. I think it's easy to miss an old life pre kids. Parenting is hard and doesn't come naturally to a lot of us. My career has halted whilst I work part time and I do find being home with the kids sometimes tedious. I do wish I had an ability like my husband to be able to play fun games etc with them. I am however finding as the kids get older (5&3) and they become more independent it's beginning to be a bit more fun. I'm hoping as they get older and I can take more of my old life back on (obviously can't get rid of life admin and daily grind) that I'll feel more fulfilled.

Same! Parenting and running a household is relentless drudgery most of the time. Emigrating will not solve this. As your children get older and more independent this will get easier. And if you think working full time will leave you feeling more fulfilled I would seriously consider it. Also, why iron? I’ve never ironed anything, complete waste of time!

So many women make a rod for their own backs. There is another thread here at the moment where a woman is asking if others would “let” the husband go away with the kid for a few nights. Like he’s incompetent and she is the default keeper of the family and without her it all falls apart.

Let me tell you- it doesnt. It just doesn’t get done to YOUR exacting standards. You say your husband isn’t “totally useless” - he’s probably quite alright at running a house himself. Just not exactly the way you would do it. There’s a difference.

Just hire a cleaner if you feel like it adds to your life and frees up time! You are incredibly fortunate and it would probably help to let go of needing everything done “just so” and let other people help.

On the side- what’s this whole “meal planning is such a chore” all about!? Just ask everyone what they want, throw some ideas about, choose a selection of favourite staples and you’re essentially done?

You have a DH problem.

my husband has carried on as normal without a second thought for everything I have to do

I'd actually like to go back to work full time and pay for a cleaner, someone to do my ironing and someone to pick my kids up from school and feed them!! My husband is not supportive of this.

Being mostly at home with children doesn't suit you. This is entirely, perfectly normal. It can be tedious beyond belief.

It wouldn't suit your husband either. It does however suit him for you to do the vast majority of the domestic drudge - so he doesn't have to do it.

Go back to work full-time. Tell your husband that he gets to work full-time so it's only fair that you do too. Ignore any protestations on his part. Split all household chores 50/50. Pay to outsource as much of the household drudge work as you can - including an after-school nanny for the kids.

You will be transformed from an "angry, irritable" person into a fulfilled, alive one. You'll enjoy your children's company so much more. Your children will see this and be happier too. Better to spend less time with them but for your time together to be happier.

If husband doesn't like it - book a marriage counsellor. Your mental wellbeing is top priority. Your family life depends on it.

PS read "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan - a seminal 1950s book explaining why housework can send women literally mad. You are so normal OP. Get back out there, engage your highly capable brain, earn good money, enjoy your children and live your life.

I feel like I’m so much busier than my lovely DH. He’s great but has not the first clue how hard it is to work shifts, cook, clean, admin, everything that comes with the kids, the dog… I could go on and bloody on. My DH helps when he can but works 60+ hours a week to my 24. He does appreciate my efforts tho, does your husband appreciate yours?

My children are 8&12 now, and the ‘load’ is lifting, I’m considering returning to work full time.

I do understand where you are coming from. Nothing to offer other than solidarity!

I'd actually like to go back to work full time and pay for a cleaner, someone to do my ironing and someone to pick my kids up from school and feed them!! My husband is not supportive of this.

Why isn’t he? I bet he wouldn’t volunteer to go part time and do all the domestic drudgery while you work full time. If you can afford paid help while you work, it’s a no-brainier. You’ll be happier and that means the kids will be happier. Your time with them will be quality time.

I do wonder why your husband objects. Maybe he has no idea how difficult it is for you because he’s just carried on with his career while you do the childcare and housework. Maybe he quite likes the idea of having a wife who does wifey things while he goes off to work. Whatever the reason, you need to sit him down and make him understand just how unhappy you are, because living and feeling like this for years to come isn’t sustainable for you.

I do feel my husband is appreciative, he knows how much I do and how hard the kids can be. I feel like maybe their behaviour is because of the type of parent I am but I don't know how to change.

I feel at the moment I have 2 full time jobs - one actual job (9-3 5 days a week) and then the household jobs on top but because I work 'part time' it's my responsibility, but I have all the childcare responsibility, school runs, packed lunches, cooking etc. so even though I'm home 3 hours before my husband I have the kids with me and I cant get much done! They do not get along, they do not like my attention on one and not the other and they don't really play independently so I find it really difficult.

I think the main reason my husband isn't supportive of me returning to work full time is because I don't have to! He doesn't understand why I would choose to commute and work long hours when I don't need to!

I actually don't think the main issue is my husband, I think it's the kids behaviour and my attitude!!

Also, I don't want to live in a messy house and walk around in crumpled clothes!! I want to eat healthy meals and cook new things and just generally feel happy and relaxed!

I think the main reason my husband isn't supportive of me returning to work full time is because I don't have to! He doesn't understand why I would choose to commute and work long hours when I don't need to!
But you want to and you’d be happier. Sit him down and explain how you feel, very seriously. Ultimately he surely can’t stop you going back to work full time, whether or not he thinks you should want to.
You know you don’t have to live in a messy house and wear crumpled clothes. You can pay for cleaning and ironing.

Are you carrying a heap of trauma with you? I found that trauma becomes a huge extra burden and leaves very little energy for kids and family. It made me constantly tired and short tempered