Domestic abuse changes things forever

[Trishna99]

I was a victim of severe domestic abuse. Life was great, thought I'd met a great guy, until he wasn't. He sexually abused regularly me which resulted in my beautiful son. I wouldn't change him or wish him away, he is so kind and loving. Ex financially ruined me through the family courts, which thankfully went in my favour but cost my all my savings to get there. My confidence is now 0. My prospects of doing the PhD I'm desperate to do is now 0 due to me being forced into single motherhood. Nobody wants to date me long term as I work full time and have a child who never stays with his father due to safeguarding risk, so I have no free time. I just feel like my life has turned out so differently to what I had hoped and I can't get over how much his behaviour has changed and disadvantaged me. I feel guilt towards my son for feeling this way. Just don't know how to accept this life.

I really feel for you and understand certain elements of your post. Respectfully, have you spoken to your GP and tried CBT. It really is beneficial, I did it a long time ago and about to do it again as a refresher because my circumstances have changed so much. Sometimes things arent in our control, so we just have to do what we can. CBT is good at getting our way of thinking back to a more health stance, because after years of negative and everything you've been through it is so unbelievably hard.

For the no time to yourself can you ask other friends or family to help you out?
Sometimes a friend of your childs larents may help you out? You could babysit at another time?
It is important you must have some sort of adult "you" time.

I've had counselling and CBT, I'm better than I was. I just hate what my life has become. Scrapping around for money. Losing out on opportunities due to logistics. Can't go to the gym anymore. Traumatised by family courts. Confidence ruined. Still scared my ex might turn up and police giving not one fig about the abuse. I'm just done in. I need help actually forming a life I enjoy but don't know where to start.

It's really hard. My son has suspected asd/adhd. Very hard work. My parents struggle with him and I would worry leaving him with friends.

You can pay for a sitter that's what people tell me to do.

Single mum here, also a victim of DV. I really do feel for you. Yes DV changes everything. It sounds like you are grieving your old life, before the abuse and before becoming a parent. To have time to study, have a career, go to the gym etc. Things will get better when you stop looking back and work with what you have. You are free and that is everything. I learned not to rely on anyone but myself, you can't count on the courts or the police. You sound like a very strong and intelligent person. You can still do and achieve everything you want to. I'm still working on my degree with a three month old. I'm not in a rush to finish, just plodding along in my own time and I will be so proud when I finish. There isn't a path to happiness, happiness is life. Own your experiences and be proud of how far you have come. Sure there will be bad days where you are angry at the hand you have been dealt. When I feel like that I channel my anger into something productive and I hug my daughter. Noone will want to date you if you carry a victim mentality (unless they are an abuser!). I can't give any practical advice,. It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I guess that I came here to say focus on what you have got instead of what you haven't. Don't let your past rule your future. And don't sell your soul to your abusive ex. You are free from him, you have options. It's important to find happiness in the things that you do have. I hope that things get easier. Stay strong.

Could you move for a fresh start? new town not far away but so ex doesn't know your address