To put 3yo back in nappies at daycare?

[DontYouStartMadam]

Hi everyone. My son has just turned 3 and we have been potty training for 2 months now. He has the pee semi-sorted out at home. Poo is a complete disaster as he is still pooing in pants/a nappy and refuses to even try to go to the bathroom. I’ll deal with that later.

Main issue now is that he is refusing to pee at daycare. He is there weekday mornings until 1. I put him in pants and he stays dry until he comes home and pees in his potty here. He holds it in all day. The issue is that he is afraid of using the potty there. Sitting on it causes a meltdown.

I have tried everything I can think of: coming into the setting and attempting to put him on the potty unsuccessfully, bribery/reward incentives, bringing his home potty there, buying him his very own special potty to use there, sticker charts … none of it has worked. He just says he will use it “next time” which conveniently never comes around.

He is reluctant to even go near the bathrooms. It is stressing him out. I am reluctant to put him back in nappies because I feel then we will never get him wearing pants again in the future. I say this because we have similar issues with eating there. He stopped eating the meals prepared there 6 months ago. Again we tried everything to get him to eat, eventually he started having meltdowns at the pressure.

I conceded and now pack him a small lunchbox. Now there’s no chance of him entertaining the proper food there, and he very rarely even eats what I pack him in his lunchbox. Many days it comes back untouched. He may just nibble at the snacks they provide but mainly just drinks milk.

So I feel if I accept defeat on this pants-wearing front, he will think he is also excused from it the same way he is now excused from eating proper food. He is very much a “give an inch take a mile” kind of guy and he can put up such a fight. However we’re getting nowhere with the potty. Now the most he does is look at it in the bathroom. Daycare is saying put him back in nappies but I don’t know, I feel it will be taking many steps back. Thoughts?

Have you tried taking his own potty from home? In all honesty though sometimes it really is just a case of perseverance.

@Alwaysalwayscold Yes I have and he didn't even sit on it. Sigh :(

Does he need to go there?
Ds has been at nursery almost 2 years, from just turned 2. He was toilet trained before starting.

He goes 8am-12 and he’s only ever been to the toilet a handful of times during that time over 2 years. Tbh at home he also goes first thing then usually doesn’t need to go again until after lunch. So maybe it’s fine he just doesn’t go there?

Absolutely not. I really do sympathise with those facing potty training issues, it must be incredibly stressful, but you must push through and not go backwards. The daycare staff should be doing everything they can to help.

@Caspianberg that's true maybe he doesn't need to. He can hold it and almost always stays dry until he pees at home. The issue is he couldn't even use their/his own potty over there if he needed to.

It sounds like he is very stressed? First the food, now the potty. It seems like he trying to control what he can and is very anxious about something.

I’d put him back in pull-ups for a bit, take the pressure right off. Maybe try again over the summer if he isn’t going to go to daycare for a couple of weeks?

@Moriquendi yes he is a very anxious child. We all try our best to support him through things but I think shielding or exempting him from things that make them anxious isn't helping him in the long run (speaking from my own experience).

@Didimum that's my sentiment too. I'm not sure what else they can do. Now they just put no pressure on him at all but remind him the potty is there if he needs it. But he never does

Him not going between morning and 1 isn’t necessary a problem though. It’s common for newly potty trained kids to withhold, even at home. My friend’s little girl used to hold it for hours and hours for months – and that wasn’t uncommon among my toddler mum friends. Unless he’s wetting himself constantly I’d just give him lots of cuddles and reassurance and let him be.

I work in early years and we have quite a few children who don’t use the toilets because they don’t want to and they manage perfectly fine for their 4.5 hr session.

can you take him into the nursery toilets(obviously with no other children in them) to get him familiar with them?

@2chocolateoranges That's good to hear that it's relatively common. I do think nappying him will be a step in the wrong direction.

When I take him into the bathrooms he gets even more hysterical because he knows there's really no excuse. He just fights even harder 😓

@Didimum Thank you I think I'll do that

My daughter is the same. Bad news though, she's 5 now. She goes to nursery 9 to 3 and literally never gosseto the toilet there. They used to take her to the toilet regularly there but she just won't use it. It really doesn't seem to bother her though. She's starting school in August and I'm a bit worried that she still won't use the bathroom there but what can I do?!

She has started using the toilet if we are out and about but only if I completely force it. It's a bloody nightmare tbh, I keep hoping she'll eventually grow out of it. She has such anxiety when it comes to toileting.

@MillsAndBalloons I can sympathise with the nightmare feeling. My son says he's scared of pee and poo. We are in nappies for going out and about because I can't face the meltdown if I have to bring him to a public toilet. I do hope something clicks for your daughter ... hopefully she'll see her classmates visiting the bathrooms and will relax a bit about it.

@MillsAndBalloons did you resort to putting a nappy on her at nursery?

Can he sometimes go in for a longer day? Then he'll have to use the toilet. Once he's done it a few times and the world didn't end, then he might not mind it

No, I didn't. I'm glad because she has been there for two years and it's obviously an ongoing thing. Hopefully your little one does a bit better!

@Mumoftwo1316 I know once he cracks it the first time he'll be fine with it. But it just seems impossible. He will wet himself and then get really upset before he uses the potty. Just don't know how to get him to even try now