To be at my wits end as DH won't talk about money?

[MarciaMarcia]

Just that. DH won't talk about finance at all. He is in debt, had money problems and we have separate finances due to this. I set up a financial advisor who helps problematic situations. He refused to engage. He is about to lose his job and is in a world of money problems so is now too stressed to talk about the future or anything as he had no money to talk about. But even when he had a job it was the same. He just is completely triggered and shuts down.
We have two DC and he does not seem to think about their future, retiring etc
Nothing. What can I do?

If you own a house, rather than rental, I suggest you see a solicitor sharpish. I think (could be wrong) that starting divorce proceedings can help protect your share otherwise you could lose it all.

The next step is counselling for him. Him thinking about the children's future and retirement might be scaring him into shutdown whereas a five year plan wouldn't. Baby steps first.

How long have you been married? Were you cohabiting before marriage? For how long?

All important details to clarify.

I'd be giving him two choices:

1. face his problems, get a debt repayment plan sorted, stop doing whatever it is he is spending money on (drugs, computer games, gambling etc) as it's killing him Or
2. I will leave you as I've had enough.

We have been living together since 2005. It's been a long complicated journey across two countries and we are not living together currently due to mental health and addiction issues. But we are married.

He has debt dating back years ago. Still not sorted. He earns enough to have it sorted ages ago but mental health issues being money issues. Before Christmas we sought counselling and I said I wanted to pay separately so we could have it. The counsellor said no as it wasn't in.tje spirit of the counselling as it's about uniting. Anyway I paid for my half and lo and behold months go by and he didn't pay so we start getting emails. The counsellor brought up that he makes promises then just doesn't fulfil them. He does this with me.

He blames me for his problems saying that he is in a mountain of debt bit he has to give me money ( for the children) yet I can book holidays etc.
I got him help with a mental health charity but he's still paying off rent for instance from a property in 2020. He has tried to take out a phone contract in my name.

Once he was out of work and didn't pay rent for 6 months. I had no idea.

He had a limited company and he ran up 26000 of tax debt. I had no idea until someone came to the door.

Anything I save is half his at this point.

How can I get him to sort his shite out? Bar an ultimatum I have no idea
But he just refuses to engage so no one can move forward.

You know the answer.

Otherwise he'll end up dragging you down with him.

Sorry OP, but you can only bang your head against a brick wall for so long, it sounds like you've reached your limit, and it's time to divorce him, and go your separate ways. He's never going to deal with HIS debt, and will continue to bring drama to your door. If that's not what you want from your life, then tell him you're out, and will be filing for divorce. Only you can decide when enough is enough though.

You can’t force him to sort it out OP, your options are:

1. Accept that this is what life with him looks like.
2. Get out of it now so that you can move on with your life.

What did he say when you asked why on earth he was trying to take out credit in your name!

If you did have a little savings you wanted to ring fence, it might be worth doing so in children's names for their driving lessons / first car etc. Would stop it going into his debt in the divorce.

Sorry you find yourself in this position.

The only certain way to protect any assets you have is to divorce - the sooner you see a solicitor the better.

There comes a point when someone won't engage, where you have to protect yourself and your children. The choice may be unpalatable but being forced into debt that is not of your making must also be pretty grim.

This doesn't sound solvable. I cannot imagine wanting to stay in a relationship with a debt-ridden addict who tried to run up debt in my name, wanted to stop contributing financially to our children and refused to do anything to sort any of this out.

Allpropertyreats - he does contribute to the children ,much more than legally required however each month I have to ask and each month he has a go at me as I can manage to book a holiday but he is in mounds of debt.

I take your point completely on the rest of it.

He is a damm nice guy but the addiction has led to all of those bad behaviour. It's that of a desperate man.

Deedless - when I asked him why he was trying to take out a phone contract for our DD in my name, he said that he can't because he has a bad credit rating!! So no shame or explanation. He tried to make up some stupid reason but I said I am not signing a thing, not picking up a phone etc.

Also - very interesting to put money into an account for the children. I hadn't thought of that. Is that untouchable?

Do you want to salvage the marriage?

Do you love him? Respect him? Trust him?

If he won't talk or engage, you either accept it or formalise the end of the relationship. As hard as that is, it would be for the best long term.