Men who grew up happy and balanced without a consistent Dad in their life? Please reassure me?

[menss]

My DS is 3.5 and frankly his dad is shit. High achieving, work obsessed, selfish. Ds is his only child, he’s unlikely to have more (nearly 50 now and still lives alone). He doesn’t live locally (he chose to move away with work). He sees Ds once every couple of months and will take him out for some fun days out but has no interest in his day to day life. Sometimes FaceTimes him but it’s not consistent. If ANYTHING makes him stressed he will retreat and hide away, with zero interest in DS. I worry everyday what impact this could have on ds as he grows up. I’ve done all I can to encourage more contact, it is pointless, the man won’t change. I guess I’m hoping someone might tell me that my lovely little boy will still grow up secure and happy, despite all this? I think about it almost everyday.

Yes, my lovely Dad - his father was a lazy, idle, there sometimes gone for longer type - all take and no give and his Mum, well lets just say being a Mum wasn't her calling..... he never had a secure place to call home.

My Dad was sleeping rough by the time he was 15.

But he was a decent person in himself, he married my Mum and the rough times he endured made him so much more appreciative of having his own home that was HIS that no one could take away and he was a wonderful Dad even though he hadn't had that himself - ultimately it was what was in HIM that mattered as to how he turned out.

@wibblywobblywoo thank you so so much. Your dad sounds great!

My DH never knew his biological dad and his mum didn't have a serious partner until DH was 11. He's a lovely person with strong morals and an incredible dad to our DD. I think it helped that he had some strong male role models in his uncle and grandad, but honestly I give the most credit to his mum. She did a great job raising him and I'm sure you will do the same for your DC. Good luck!

Not necessarily my ex was the child of a single mum yet he still abandoned our children. Sometimes history repeats itself sorry not what you want to hear.

My brother. He's a sensible person. He appears to be a brilliant dad to his kids, treats his wife well and remains close to my mum. He worked hard at his job to get where he is. He's funny and likeable. I hate to say it but our dad wasn't the best he could be. Flighty and unpredictable, in and out of our lives. I do think my mum raised him well.

OP, as long as he has you he will be okay :)

My husband.
No dad in his life from day one. Grandad who he remembers loving dearly died when he was very young. He was raised by women effectively. Mum, aunts, gran.
He is a well rounded, unsurprisingly insightful to women's concerns, needs and loves a gossip. Loves being a girl dad. Speaks and acts respectfully to elders.

On the other side he is a very alpha male, takes a lot of life admin ( I could but can't be arsed), loves the gym, football, boxing.

He does wonder about his dad, if he was ever wanted or known about (difficult/long back story) but he feels he was given what he needed.

I will counter this by saying his mum married someone when he was an older teenager who provided some sort of supportive role model. However I would say not emotionally but in terms of work ethic, responsibility and generally being a grown up (his words).

One supportive unconditional parent has to be better than an absent/half in half out one. Although I acknowledge there is undoubtedly rejection /resentfulness to the absent parent that may develop. Giving consistent emotional support and developing resilience for the future may help.

It takes a village, do you have any other support to yourself and him?

My dad was the pits: violent alcoholic who took off when I was a baby, never paid child support, never sent cards, rarely visited. I also had a stepdad for a few years who was violent, had affairs etc.

My two brothers are lovely men. Completely devoted fathers, hard workers, great cooks, both married over 20 years and still madly in love with their wives.

I reckon you can get by with one good parent.

My dads dad left him as a child.
Had no contact.
He is an absolutely amazing person and the very best dad and grandad possible.

Well obvs I'm biased but.....he really really was! 🤗

My DH's dad left home when my DH was 4. His dad barely saw him and when he did the man was a lack lustre selfish character who had no interest in little DH. I have to add that DH's mum was also awful - he was pretty much raised by his wonderful, loving nan and auntie.

DH has turned out to be the happiest, most loving, well balanced and honorable person you could ever meet. He's confident, hard working, gentle and loving. He lives life to the full and doesn't feel he's missed out at all.

DH has an air about him that makes other people treat him like a dad...we tease him about it (but I'm very proud really). All kinds of people approach him for help and advice - I think he just grew up strong and his own man and people recognise that in him.

I so wish DH had had a loving dad, but I don't think it would have made any difference to him. In fact, he says that not having his (useless - my word, not his) dad in his life was a blessing because he would only have brought him trouble.

You sound a wonderful mum OP, you've done your best to involve the father and now I'd let him go his own way if that's what he wants. You will be enough and I am sure your son will thrive knowing how very much he is loved.