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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Lack of perseverance - shal i put my foot down?

10 replies

jajajajajajajajajaja · 04/06/2024 19:01

As many children, my daughter has tried and abandoned a few after school clubs: dance, tennis, drama, piano... She is very artistic and quite sporty, she was good at all the activities, so lack of achievement was not a problem. However, as soon a greater effort was required, she would start complaining befor going to each class and eventually quit. For exampe, she was good at piano but refused to put in the effort as the grades got more difficult. She has been doing gymnastics and art for a couple of years and I can see the same pattern repeating again: she complains about both activities and wants to quit art lessons. Shall I out my foot down and tell her that she needs to persevere? I am generally laid back as parent, but I want her to do well.
I really want he to become accomlplished at something, to be proud of her achievement. Her older siblings are good at music and more academic, I don't want her to reproach us later that we didn't push her enough as she is the baby of the family. I know it is a first world problem, and we are not rich, but investing a lot in our children (can't afford private schooling but happy to pay for activities)

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 04/06/2024 19:06

Hmm, tricky as she’s been doing it for a couple of years not weeks.

Can she identify what she doesn’t like about the art class? Might she like to try another aspect, say watercolour vs drawing or ceramics?

I did loads of different things as a child and obviously didn’t keep them all up. In fact a returned to the piano after several decades and have enjoyed it a lot. So she’s not wasting her experience, it all adds up.

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 04/06/2024 19:06

After school clubs aren't the be-all-end-all and some kids are simply happier not doing them, having adequate downtime is important too.

Sign her up for casual clubs instead such as drop ins/one offs or something like a youth club or Brownies/Guides that are low commitment and not assessed or tested. Alternatively, don't do any clubs and just encourage her to pursue her hobbies on her own terms.

Also stop comparing her to her older siblings, so what is they're "more academic" and good at music. Let her pursue her own path.

Haileycee · 04/06/2024 19:24

How old is she?

jajajajajajajajajaja · 04/06/2024 19:33

She is 11

OP posts:
WindowViper · 04/06/2024 19:43

I actually think doing a club for a couple of years at 11 is decent commitment. It’s a reasonable chunk of her life, during which time she’s probably changed a lot.

It’s fair enough that what interested her at 9 doesn’t interest her now. I’d be checking whether she wants to try something totally new, or if she wants to try a more grown up art class / one that builds on what she’s learned eg taking up textiles.

plasq · 04/06/2024 19:49

Exercise is important. Let her know that if she gives up Gymnastics you expect her to spend the equivalent time doing a different sport. Ask her what this will be? She may decide to try something different or stick with her current class.

Also check what it is she doesn't enjoy anymore. Is she still in an age appropriate class? Does she feel they are just repeating stuff she has done before? Does she have friends in the class?

HowWasTheEnd · 04/06/2024 20:09

I really want he to become accomlplished at something, to be proud of her achievement.

Can't she be proud of being an all rounder and trying lots of different things?

It's good if she perseveres with school work but there really is no need to have to achieve and excel at other things. The main thing is that you enjoy them.

I encouraged my kids to do whatever activity they wanted but was happy for them to drop out as long as they completed whatever commitment they had signed up for (typically a terms worth of commitment but sometimes longer if we had purchased kit etc) It meant they tried different things and only did things they enjoyed. They weren't the least bit flaky with school work so I wasn't worried about their lack of commitment.

Interestingly my kids are now adults and still do some of the activities they did when they were younger.

I've chopped and changed my hobbies over the years and have happily been average/good at a range of them rather than concentrating on one and becoming highly accomplished. I do what I enjoy. I naturally pretty good at sports but the one where I show the most natural talent isn't my favourite so I barely bother practising.

One of my kids was briefly in the top ten in the whole country (not uk) in an activity so I understand the desire to push them to excel but it got to the level that his natural talent was being overtaken by other kids determination and training. Other kids were putting in hours of training daily and there was no way either my son or I wanted that. My son ended up being very good at this activity but, presumably, fell far short of his potential. We were both fine with this and, even now that he is in his 30s he still does this activity for fun. I see that as a big win.

Being able to drop things and give up on things is not always a bad thing. It's perfectly ok to be average at things as long as you are enjoying yourself.

pizzaHeart · 04/06/2024 20:13

What was her highest grade at piano if you don’t mind me asking?

jajajajajajajajajaja · 05/06/2024 10:33

pizzaHeart · 04/06/2024 20:13

What was her highest grade at piano if you don’t mind me asking?

It was grade 2

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 05/06/2024 10:36

I think it’s a good time to allow her to stop and then, when she’s at secondary school, have the freedom to choose new things she wants to do. And it’s fine if she never gets really good at anything, tbh.

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