AIBU to think that most people I truly care about I’ll lose

[PlatinumBlondeXo]

Sorry this might be long.

I’ll try to cut to the point the best I can. I know I have abandonment issues that are not normal. I have this intense fear of losing people I care about (friends, my kids, my husband and other loved ones) either through them suddenly walking away from me e.g. ghosting or through them suddenly dying. This fear has come through years of people sbandoning me or not feeling like I fit in or being excluded on so many occasions. I’m sorry this comes across as dramatic but it truly how I feel and I hate it. When I get close to someone they really are like my world and I’m always the one there for them. I either see or imagine or fear a drift then my brain goes into overdrive and I just get so down and angry that it could be happening again even though I know rationally that’s not always the case but when you’ve been through it so many times it’s so hard to unsee that. My brain sometimes after despairing thinks right I have to get prepared and either distract myself and/or start trying to replace that person with someone else to avoid being alone and hurt. I see others who effortlessly have people who connect with them on such a level (I’ve had that a few times but mostly lost that) and it fills me with such anger sadness and jealousy that it consumes me. Yes I’m happy for them but also sad that it’s not me and it’s rarely ever me. I’m the one fighting tooth and nail to prove myself and getting little reward for it. I know that sounds stupid. Can anyone relate? Does it ever get better or will I just have to accept that people most of the times are going to leave and I just have to not let people that close to me or keep on replacing them to cope

Hi I have the same fears. It’s horrible. I have lost someone this week, they have been taken away by relatives . I think when it happens in reality it is so much worse because of my fears.

have you considered therapy?

I’m so so sorry you’re going through losing someone close to you. It’s absolutely horrible. Did their relatives stop you from seeing them or ruin your friendship. It’s horrible because all you want is someone to be really close with on your level who you know won’t leave you

I’m currently in therapy for that and other things

I have the same fear after lots of loss.

I’m so sorry you have that same fear. It’s horrible to feel like that also because we constantly think it’s because we’re not good enough or it’s just us that we’re unlovable. It’s horrible

I can relate. My husband says I never let anyone in. Only him and other immediate family. I've had a lot of therapy over many years, both NHS and private. Turns out I'm autistic and my fears of abandonment are justified because I don't do friendship the way neurotypical people want it. I'm pretty much resigned to becoming increasingly reclusive as I age at this point. I wish I had advice for you (I wouldn't mind some myself), only empathy for how you're feeling. Take care xxx

I've had this my entire life. Things happened during my childhood which led to all this. I wonder how many other people have these fears. I have some lovely friends and think they don't have a fear like me when we were all growing up. They had much more stability though and didn't suffer the loss I did.

In some ways this fear has become my reality as I have very significant health issues now and have lost so much in terms of contact with other people including being a full time mum to my child. I find that sad and just think I wish others could live in the moment and relish every day without fear because you have everything today. I know it's not that simple though. Even before I lost so much I would fear it terribly.

Counselling is great and hopefully your therapist is a good one. I don't know if you're into podcasts or apps but I really enjoyed this one called insight timer. It has talks, meditations and more on lots of subjects like this. When I was less unwell I really found meditation helped so much with managing fears. Because although these are valid fears, your brain is letting them takeover somewhat. You can train yourself to be less dominated by it. Of course with a busy life you need the time to do it.

I seem to react to this by pushing people away. I'm in therapy for it right now but fear it's already too late. Just totalled the best relationship of my life.

I think your view of the relationship is common in people like us. I imagine in time you may see it wasn't right. I've felt this before, then in time, with therapy, it was quite apparent it really wasn't as amazing as I wanted to believe. I think some people who fear loss or who have abandonment issues feel things incredibly strongly; I know I'm in that camp.
Hope you aren't suffering too much. ♥️

Well, when you die you will lose everyone. You need to make your peace with that.

One of the symptoms of BPD/EUPD is an overwhelming fear of abandonment OP, might be worth considering and explain why you feel the way you do x

I think I feel the same way as you. I have made friends over the years and am not still in touch with so many. I feel that I try really hard to make efforts to stay in touch and it’s a one sided battle. I have expressed to one or two people how I have felt and it hasn’t gone down well and they have ditched me. I don’t think I am needy but misunderstood. I know that friendships do change and people do move on. I do accept that on one level but at the same time I wish it wouldn’t happen so often. I find that to protect myself I don’t allow myself to get close with others because I fear rejection. Even my sister rarely wants to see me. It’s very sad now that I’m thinking about it. I do have a few friends that I cherish and do totally get me. Unfortunately they are hard to find. Thought I’d post as I totally relate to what you’re saying.