To ask how to have a sense of self?

[Sunnysaturdayday]

At least I think that’s what the solution is…..
Since going through menopause a few years ago I found a new found ability to stick up for myself lol…. which I have always struggled with.
What I’m finding is though- say, as an example, if someone is causing you issues at work, how do you put it aside and stop it getting under your skin until it’s sorted?
I think the answer is probably to have a strong sense of self, but I’ve still not achieved this.
What do you do? How do you achieve things not getting to you and eating into your weekends etc
Any advice and tips really appreciated….. thanks

I really understand what you're saying and I could have written this 15 years ago!

I think a lot of this, for me, comes down to experience

I'm in my 60's and, when I was younger, yes, I've picked arguments with colleagues who've annoyed me! As time went on, I somehow learned (without realising it!) to choose when to speak up and when to let things go

Letting work issues affect my home life was, unfortunately, something I never really solved. I can still remember the rhythm of Friday nights being mentally exhausted from that weeks work issues, just about being able to relax a bit on Saturdays and that 'Sunday evening feeling' of dreading going back to work the next morning

Retirement absolutely transformed me . . . I had never realised how bad things were at work until some time after I retired when I gradually realised that all the tension I had about work had disappeared

I don't know how far you are from retirement but is this something you can look forward to and tell yourself that your work situation won't last forever? Once you are retired you can choose, generally speaking, who you interact with. I still see several of my ex-colleagues that I had a really good relationship with. I hardly ever think about the rest of the team I was with. I have a lovely life now, doing the things I really want to do and seeing the people I really want to spend time with

Don't know if any of this helps but I certainly sympathise with what you're feeling 💐

Thanks so much! All being well, I should be able to retire slightly early in about 4 or 5 years- so I’m grateful for you pointing out and reminding that this doesn’t last forever!
You’re right, the colleagues I get on well with are really lovely.
I find that as I struggle so much with the negative stuff that this overshadows this.
I guess I just need to plough on and try to make the best of my time when I’m not at work. I think if I was retired and could choose who I interact with, just as you describe, I would be much happier.
Really admire those who can switch off and basically not care or put things behind them at weekends!

I think the thing is that you just have to kind of decide that you aren't going to let things get to you and you have to work hard to stick to that. It is possible.

A good basis is to make your own life and much how you want it to be as possible. When you have the choice, choose only to surround yourself with positive, upbeat, supportive people. Make your environment exactly as you wish, treat yourself well in all respects - doing good things for yourself, eating well, getting rest, treating yourself to experiences and things that make you feel good whether that's a trip somewhere that interests you or sitting in the garden with a good book.

Make the future an open book. Start a course learning something new, make a plan for retirement, think of ways to retire earlier (downsizing/saving money is other ways). Make your now and future so good that the people who get you down are irrelevant.

Also you can limit how things negatively impact on you. If something bad happens allow yourself a short time to think about it - say 10 minutes. Think 'does it really matter?', if not, let it go. If it does matter then make a plan of how to deal with it. Then....when the 10 minutes are up, make a coffee or go for a walk or a swim.......move on. Only allow set times to worry and if your mind strays to negative stuff at other times..do not let it! Get up, get on, be you and enjoy your life.

If you don't deal with this you will take it with you into retirement. There will always be people who will be a thorn in your side wherever you are and whatever you're doing. How you deal with it is the way to peace of mind.

I think we just get to a stage where we want out of work (I definitely did) and when you get there there is no going back. I reckon you're there.

Churchview thank you so much👌👌
Your post is so insightful and wise…. and spot on!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately and yes, I think I will look at ways to retire even much earlier than 4 years time.
I want to spend my time having nice experiences and, as you say, surrounding myself with upbeat people.
You have given me some really great tips too which I am extremely grateful for.
Thank you so much👌👌
One thing I also try to force myself to remember is that you can’t change people- you can’t control what they do or what they say. I try to remind myself of that as well.
Thanks, I’m very grateful❤️

You're absolutely welcome @Sunnysaturdayday .
I retired early when I'd had enough. I now live a much more frugal life in a much smaller house but I've never been more content or had such peace of mind. I also met some great new friends through volunteering and studying. I did a course related to a hobby I've had all my life and met a group of like minded women who have none of the issues/egos of the people I used to work with.

So wise of you to say you can't change people. Only how you react to them.

I reckon you're setting yourself up for a very happy future and wish you well.

Thank you so much! Your advice is so valuable👌👌