To feel responsible for my brother

[letsgoglamping]

I sort of alluded to this on a different thread but will explain more as I got some helpful replies but didn’t want to take over the other thread.

My brother is nearly 46; I am two years younger and am married with two young children, a baby and a preschooler. My brother has had a tumultuous life in many ways, has ASD which is undiagnosed but I think I can say he has it as even most medics agree he has it. He has poor social skills and because he’s spent such a lot of time alone they’ve become worse as he’s lost any masking skills he may have had.

He has never properly worked - he has had jobs but often ends up dismissed or leaving under a bit of a cloud. As a rough sort of timeline he left university 2001, a year later as he repeated a year and worked on a census project for a year whilst living with our dad, and that was OK. Things unravelled a year later as my dad moved in with a new partner, brother got a job and was dismissed from it fairly quickly and then moved in with a friend but they fell out, he was doing some sort of temp / agency work. He started another course at university but didn’t complete it then embarked on further training in 2005 and finished in 2008. He managed to work for nearly two years then although with very patchy attendance but was suspended and then left. He was barred from working in that field for four years and during that time his health deteriorated. Went back to that line of work in 2014, was dismissed from one job, got another which he started 2016 and was suspended from two years later. I know both attendance and time keeping were an issue. He was dismissed at the end of 2019.

Obviously then the pandemic happened and since he has health issues he wasn’t expected to work. He then decided he wanted to do another course (he already did an MSc during the early 2010s sometime, not sure exactly when) but had to self fund it so worked for a year doing agency work. Did the course but hasn’t passed one of the exams which means he can’t actually use the qualification. He can resit it but I’m not confident to be honest; the problem is there’s some sort of timeline on it so that he has to sit the exam within twelve months of passing the course or he has to do another exam. And they are quite costly - £600.

In the meantime he’s unable to look after himself very well, the house is a state, he isn’t washing and looks like a homeless person in torn tracksuit bottoms and huge hoodies, he walks around town muttering to himself and generally is presenting quite strangely. Things came to a head a few months ago when he was found collapsed and it appeared to be an overdose - not a suicide attempt but an accidental one if you like.

At the moment he is living with us and it’s putting a lot of pressure upon us as a family. He can’t really work as far as I can see - he just ends up in bother and he can’t get up in the morning and has so much time off it becomes unsustainable. But he isn’t really entitled to benefits either, or is he? (He doesn’t accept any disability claims, in his mind he’s going to complete his course and get an amazing job and meet someone and start a family.)

My worry is he’s ultimately my responsibility, our parents are dead and don’t have any other relatives. He has no income, no pension and I can’t see this changing. Or AIBU?

I have a brother a bit like this (possibly a bit worse - he would never have been capable of going to uni and has never worked) - so I really feel you - and I do worry about the future with him. He's currently very dependent on my mum, but when she becomes too elderly to care for him, things are going to become difficult.

I love him but I absolutely refuse to let him be my responsibility.

It depends if you can live with the consequences of that.

The likelihood is that if you don't intervene at some stage, he will continue to live the life he lives, dirty and not really capable of caring for himself. The state may intervene at some point or they may not, or it may be only at a very late stage when things are dire.

It sounds harsh but honestly I have resigned myself that this is how it's going to be for my brother. We are not really close and I have other family members who will also need care - I live a long way away and I can't do everything. And ultimately he has made decisions in life that led him to where he is.

If that is callous then I am callous and I have to live with that, but I know I can't do the alternative of caring for him.

I will try to make sure the state are doing their job, but above that, I just can't do more, and I'm (trying to be) at peace with that.

You can be your brother's advocate, adviser etc.
You don't have to be his carer unless you want that.

Is your situation amenable to that?

Effectively it would hamper your adult life, making relationships difficult and stopping you having DC, for example.

If it were me , I'd only be able to have him living with me if I had an annexe or similar. So my life could be separated slightly.

Have you enquired about assessments and so on? I think you may need a longer term conversation with him about the need to do that 'just in case' his other plans don't pay off.

Depending where you are, he may get social housing and benefits. But you need to start the process and declare him homeless, I think.

He wouldn’t get social housing because he has a house - it was left to him by my dad. It’s barely habitable but he won’t sell it because of this fantasy of things in the future being rosy and he will do it up then.

sigh. It’s really, really difficult.

He needs to move back in to his house as soon as possible, and you need to get him on the waiting list to be assessed . I also have an older brother with undiagnosed ASD, and he ruled the roost at mum and dads for years while my mum was too soft.
The longer he stays with you it will be harder for him to become independent.
You can help him from a distance.
It is not fair on your kids as they get older to endure this
It is not easy , but the endless courses are a way to delay having to get a job.
maybe try contact social services ? Good luck, he is lucky to have you

He can’t realistically return to it @Soddingcat . It is barely habitable (no boiler or hot water for example) and there are concerns over neighbours taking advantage of his vulnerability.

I have been trying to think of a solution and I don’t think there is one, unless it’s completely let him sink (tempting but feels too brutal somehow.)

I think your last post describes how vulnerable he is so I would involve SS. You are concerned for his health ( not looking after himself and his home adequately) his mental health and his vulnerability to people taking advantage of him.
Ask for a mental health assessment. I think there comes a point when you have to be assertive to prevent a downward spiral.

SS can’t really help because he won’t accept help. I don’t actually think there’s much they’d do anyway. He falls into the funny space of not qualifying for extra support (and refusing to accept it even if it was offered) and not able to really live independently.

He should sell the house (it will sell if priced right) and get a 1 bedroom flat that will be easier to maintain.

Refer to the local social services for a section 9 assessment of his care and support needs. Make it clear what you're able and not able to support with. You'd be entitled to a carer's assessment for yourself too. This can be helpful in showing what you're doing and what you want to change about your role.

But he won’t @BMW6

His support needs are not really anything ss can help with.

This will be my son when I die.

As in my position, or my brothers? Either way I’m sorry: it’s a difficult position certainly.

This will sound harsh, but really it is just an objective description of the situation.

You have said he isn't "bad" enough to get help, but that is because he's living with you and so you and your family keep his situation from becoming truly dire.

You say he won't sell his house, but he only has the luxury of that decision because he's living with you.

For the sake of your children, who are living with the daily impacts of sharing their home with your brother, I think you should give him a deadline to move out. Whether that is to his house or to a flat or to a hostel is up to him to solve, with your advice and support if you're happy and able to give it and he wants it. Then enforce that.

He won't suddenly stand on his own feet while someone else (you) is propping him up, and outside agencies won't give help while someone else (you) are masking the issues.

Time for tough love, unless you can accept him living with you like this forever.

It isn’t harsh but it also isn’t exactly true. He isn’t bad enough to get help full stop. Sometimes things do reach a sort of crisis point and people make the right noises but ultimately can’t do much as he has capacity and therefore can make his own decisions.

I haven't read through the whole thread yet but he needs to he claiming UC with the Disability component. It takes a while to sort out and you might have to accompany him on the appointments to the job centre.

Is there money for a cleaner / housekeeper. Someone who knows his problems and will work a few hours maybe every other day so his clothes are washed and some food is prepared?
A carer really but called a cleaner, or whatever he might accept, coming in regularly.

I imagine you have always tried to facilitate him, and give him independence as best you can.

Have you tried being more controlling? Telling him what to do, telling him he must claim various things and cooperate with those who could help?

I feel for you, my brother and sister have lives full of problems and I have grave concerns for their future. Albeit they both have always had full time jobs, it's different worry of them both being in so much debt, not holding down friendships or relationships and my sister lives in our old family home which is revolting to be frank. She expects me to bail her out but with 2 DCs her days of rocking up rent free are over.

It's such a lifelong sentence of feeling guilt riddled, especially as you have sorted your own life out.

What were you parents like towards him when they were alive?

The way I dealt with it was by distancing myself from both of them. I can't help my brother with his obesity, drinking, smoking, poor social skills and not a single person in his life to confide in. I feel so sorry for him but I can't change him. As for my sister I told her never to expect to live with me again. Her debt and no where to live is still an issue but it's not MY issue.

Your brother will find a way to live when there is no other option. Simply tell him to move out and he will find a way. Can you sell the house your dad left? Why was it left to him? Why is it just sitting there, empty? Surely you could both do with the money.

edited for clarity, by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I agree with PP that UC is a starting point, there are also websites which detail grants available to certain people for example university graduates, people living in specific parishes. Citizens Advice might be something to consider. Long term I would advise you to look into making his house habitable even if it is one job at a time so that this has some kind of timeframe. He won’t be able to live alone in it but maybe it could be rented and he could use the money to rent somewhere with assisted living

So he's competent enough to have a view of where he would like his life to go - finish his course, do up the house etc.
Can you support him to achieve those goals or close to it but in a forceful way? Ie you cannot live here in my house with my growing family. If you sell dad's house we could buy somewhere close or a house with an annexe for example. Forceful support to move forward rather than allowing him to just live under your roof as a man child forever.

There isn’t really money for a cleaner or carer to be honest … ideally I would do it but I don’t live locally to where his house is.

If you make suggestions he makes the right noises but then doesn’t actually do anything or says he will when he’s done XYZ but then never achieves these things, harsh as that sounds.

Then I think you have to accept that this is the way he is going to live. I don't think there's anything you can or should do to help him.

It's hard, but unless he changes nothing will change. Of course you can keep in touch, visit sometimes, invite him to dinner etc but otherwise let him alone.

It's not the ideal that you would do it, OP. The ideal is that he gets some help to make the necessary changes and improve his own life.

I sense you are feeling a huge amount of guilt about this, but it's really not your responsibility to sort out his life - he has capacity, as you say, and he's making these decisions himself.

I'm struggling a bit to reconcile the fact that he has a masters degree with the fact that he can't seem to see the impact he's having on his family?

Do you understand ASD though, @BMW6 ? I mean, people can design intricate systems and methods but can’t wash their hands after the toilet!

BiL has similar tendencies- thinks his insistence on certain things at Christmas is helping the family celebrate. Actually he’s pressuring them to provide two different meats, a real tree, and various other things while he just rolls up the day before. He says the shopping for it all is fine, and he doesn’t need to organise it because they do. They are mid 80s with dementia and getting stressed about it but he just doesn’t see it. Even when he’s told.