To find parenting so all consuming

[Shesarealswifty]

I adore my Dd, 5, I’ve had some of my happiest times, but recently I’m really starting to want my own time and space and something for me. I accepted this wouldn’t be the case when she was really little, but thought would improve the older children get.
I feel really awful saying this, but I just miss so many things..coming down in the morning and just pleasing myself and what I will watch on tv, sitting on the balcony with a book and glass of wine, doing what I want when I want-at least some of the time, just having energy. Dd often struggles with sleep and some weekends can then be v hard work in the morning, full of arguments and not wanting to do much, simple things like taking the dog for a walk in the woods by our house. We’ll walk a tiny bit then she shouts and cries that she doesn’t want to and we have to go home, Dh and I used to walk for hours.
I realise this sounds awful, just going through a hard stage with illnesses and school refusal and just everything being so hard, life used to be so simple in comparison.

I get it. It is all-consuming. Mine is nine and a bit of a fussy eater - she will never try anything new. After eating at a kid-friendly restaurant once again I said I'd had nine years of eating at places that she would like and I'd had enough so she needed to start trying new things. I think it is ok to hit a limit of selflessness. Parents are still people with opinions and likes. They shouldn't always have to come second to those of their child.

@eurochick Yes, I’m feeling a bit like that now, it’s been almost 6 years

If you have a DH, why can't you go and have some time for you? It sounds like you really need it.

I've started going off and pleasing myself more now my youngest is nearly 7 and needs less active parenting (i.e. bedtime is keeping her on track rather than physically dressing her etc). Taking myself out for walks on the weekend and meeting friends of an evening. DH can put them to bed and entertain them on a weekend afternoon. I feel much better for it.

@MuggleMe yes I should do the same

@Aramiss There rarely seems to be much time, but need to factor it in somehow

I have two close in age (6 and 7) so that probably helps with this sort of thing as they will play together, but if we don't have plans at the weekends I more or less leave them to it and do what I want in the mornings. For example if I fancy staying in bed with a coffee and a book for a few hours - I do. I'm typically a very engaged/hands on parent and was a SAHM for most of their lives so I never feel guilt about taking the time now to do what I want. I'm much happier as a result. The early years were so intense, I feel like I can have a bit of a breather at long last.

Just start doing it OP. She may not like it at first but ignore her and she will eventually get used to it. Leave her with your DH and go for a long walk with the dog by yourself/with a friend. Feed her and set her up with an activity/movie and just take the book and glass of wine onto the balcony. She's old enough now where you really can leave her to it. Start small and work your way up to the levels of benign neglect I currently engage in 😁

@Arnia Ive so tried, she’s quite intense though and wants to play with us every second, having a sibling would have made a huge difference I’m sure. She sees friends at the weekend, has them over, but in the other parts of the day, she very rarely can do anything alone without getting bored. I remember playing for hours on my own as a child

I understand, one of mine is quite intense and it does make things that bit more exhausting. In that case I would just purposely carve out the time. It won't have that easy breezy spontaneity from your pre-child days, but you'll know it's coming and will have something to look forward to. Tell your DH you're taking one/two/three hours to yourself every Saturday and he's in charge, and you can do the same for him the following day or whatever works for you both.

I have an only child of a similar age. I'm quite firm with her sometimes and tell her I'm busy. Of course I don't do it all the time and I do play with her, but I also have other things to do and I can't spend all my life playing dolls.
As a result she can now play quite nicely on her own. I even give her a tablet sometimes so I can get stuff done or do things for myself.

I'm sure the mum police will come along and tell me I'm being neglectful but in my opinion, a happy mum is a better mum. I used to feel like you and as a result I was miserable and snappy.

Now I have an amazing hobby, passions and interests, and a happy daughter who is independent with lots of friends.