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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Did I make a fool of myself with this friend?

22 replies

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:49

A male friend at work, we used to be really close and then I started getting fuck off vibes from him, not quite sure why. Nothing romantic ever happened.
He messaged me on my birthday but that's it tbh, he used to message me first a lot of the time but then it had to be me who messaged him or he wouldn't.

If I saw him around the office he was friendly but I didn't know if he was just pretending to be polite.
I was upset, I know he doesn't owe me anything but I couldn't understand why he was doing this.
He also started ignoring a few messages so I just thought there's really no point.
He used to want to meet up but no longer seemed interested.

I saw him in the town centre after work today with another male colleague, but I figured it was pointless to go over, and I didn't think they'd seen me so I carried on walking.

About 5 minutes later, I looked around and he was there behind me on his own, I'm not sure if he tried to catch up with me or not.

Anyway he explained he'd been with our other colleague initially, and I replied I'd seen them. He said 'well why didn't you come say hi ".

I ended up telling him how I felt, not in a having a go way but that I was always getting go away vibes from him and that it seemed kinda pointless, and that his avoidance had upset me a little even though he didn't owe me anything.

He insisted it was absolutely nothing against or about me whatsoever and that he had been the same with others. He was really apologetic and said if I ever wanted to meet up for a drink like we used to then we should.

He texted me when I got home to explain again and ask if I was ok. I told him it was all cool and not to worry, it was fine.

I don't know if what he said is true and I never will but it doesn't matter, I guess he felt guilty and I put him on the spot.
Maybe I should've said nothing?
I don't know, I wasn't like aggressive or nasty, I preferred just being honest.

OP posts:
Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:50

I don't think I ever did anything offensive or annoying, I generally get on with people and I don't think I'm difficult or anything. It happens I guess.

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 03/06/2024 21:52

Did he get into a new relationship? His behaviour screams new girlfriend.

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:53

PossumintheHouse · 03/06/2024 21:52

Did he get into a new relationship? His behaviour screams new girlfriend.

No girlfriend afaik,he doesn't really date tbh. He's been acting like this for a few months now too.

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footgoldcycle · 03/06/2024 21:54

He sounds immature. Like to treat em mean keep em keen!

Just keep a polite distance

vincettenoir · 03/06/2024 21:55

You haven’t made a fool of yourself, you expressed your feelings and needs. Even if it was not strictly necessary in this instance it’s no bad thing to be able to do that.

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:55

footgoldcycle · 03/06/2024 21:54

He sounds immature. Like to treat em mean keep em keen!

Just keep a polite distance

You're right. It's a shame to lose what I thought was a good friend but maybe he never really was one.

OP posts:
Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:56

vincettenoir · 03/06/2024 21:55

You haven’t made a fool of yourself, you expressed your feelings and needs. Even if it was not strictly necessary in this instance it’s no bad thing to be able to do that.

Thank you for saying that. I just thought I'd be honest when he said I should've gone over and say hi, rather than make something up. It had been all building up for a while tbh and upsetting me for a couple of months.

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ruperto · 03/06/2024 21:57

I think what you said was fine. He seems like he’s not worth the drama though. Unless he reveals some major preoccupation that explains it all (maybe a bereavement or some other personal crisis or crossroads) just move on and categorise him as ‘friendly acquaintance’.

Maria1979 · 03/06/2024 21:59

Maybe he has personal problems and is sending out "go away" vibes because you used to be close and he is not ready to discuss it? It could be a million different reasons, none linked to you. Why would he otherwise reassure you and even text you to see if you were OK? Be cool and open and eventually he might open up to you. You can tell him you were wondering if he was alright since he's been a bit distant..

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:59

ruperto · 03/06/2024 21:57

I think what you said was fine. He seems like he’s not worth the drama though. Unless he reveals some major preoccupation that explains it all (maybe a bereavement or some other personal crisis or crossroads) just move on and categorise him as ‘friendly acquaintance’.

You're right, and thank you. I just need to accept the close friendship is likely over.
He's made a few comments about being ill/exhausted but I'm not sure if anything else.

OP posts:
ruperto · 03/06/2024 22:00

FWIW I used to be friends with a man like this in my 20s. He blew hot and cold all the time. Ignored me when I was friendly to him, then seemed to be going out of his way to be nice at other times. I don’t know whether he fancied me, or thought I fancied him (I didn’t) but it was awkward as hell. I became indifferent to him eventually.

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 22:01

Maria1979 · 03/06/2024 21:59

Maybe he has personal problems and is sending out "go away" vibes because you used to be close and he is not ready to discuss it? It could be a million different reasons, none linked to you. Why would he otherwise reassure you and even text you to see if you were OK? Be cool and open and eventually he might open up to you. You can tell him you were wondering if he was alright since he's been a bit distant..

I got go away vibes because he was still hanging out with other people and stuff. It was good of him to suggest the coffee, so I just said I'll leave it with him. I mean I'll see if he arranges it,
You're right it was good of him to text me.

OP posts:
Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 22:02

ruperto · 03/06/2024 22:00

FWIW I used to be friends with a man like this in my 20s. He blew hot and cold all the time. Ignored me when I was friendly to him, then seemed to be going out of his way to be nice at other times. I don’t know whether he fancied me, or thought I fancied him (I didn’t) but it was awkward as hell. I became indifferent to him eventually.

That's a shame to hear, hot and cold is so distressing. Especially when you see them being alright with others v

OP posts:
5128gap · 03/06/2024 22:03

Good for you! The reason people get away with blowing hot and cold is because other people go along with it, re engaging when the person wants them and getting quietly back in their box when they don't. You aren't prepared to play along with that and you told him how you felt, which was the right thing to do.
Personally I find when men do this to women friends it's usually tied into how much they want to keep them on hand in case they want more, with the cold spells coinciding with a girlfriend or other female interest.

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 22:05

5128gap · 03/06/2024 22:03

Good for you! The reason people get away with blowing hot and cold is because other people go along with it, re engaging when the person wants them and getting quietly back in their box when they don't. You aren't prepared to play along with that and you told him how you felt, which was the right thing to do.
Personally I find when men do this to women friends it's usually tied into how much they want to keep them on hand in case they want more, with the cold spells coinciding with a girlfriend or other female interest.

Thank you you've made me feel better. He's been doing this for months now, I feel like I was a potential interest at first and now I'm not for whatever reason I'm not of any use.

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hopscotcher · 03/06/2024 22:09

I think what you said was fair enough. Well done for being honest. Perhaps his behaviour shouldn't be taken personally, but I reckon you're right not to regard him as a close friend anymore.

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 22:10

hopscotcher · 03/06/2024 22:09

I think what you said was fair enough. Well done for being honest. Perhaps his behaviour shouldn't be taken personally, but I reckon you're right not to regard him as a close friend anymore.

Thanks a lot. Hopefully it wasn't personal.

OP posts:
5128gap · 03/06/2024 22:12

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 22:05

Thank you you've made me feel better. He's been doing this for months now, I feel like I was a potential interest at first and now I'm not for whatever reason I'm not of any use.

Because its not a true platonic friendship from his side. You were giving him the girlfriend experience.

Shirtdress · 03/06/2024 22:12

You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s clearly got his own personal issues, or he’s just the kind of person who blows hot and cold.

Femme2804 · 03/06/2024 22:16

Its depends on his personality. If he is like me then Yes this will put me off. Its not your fault, people can being honest and tell other how they feel. But i wil think that you put your thought too much onto this.

Mothership4two · 03/06/2024 23:28

Cantrememberasongname · 03/06/2024 21:53

No girlfriend afaik,he doesn't really date tbh. He's been acting like this for a few months now too.

Sounds like he has something going on in his life. Especially as he is aware that he has been like this with others. Maybe it's not something he wants to talk about. For some reason I thought medical or MH issue, but, obvs, could be anything or nothing.

You absolutely didn't make a fool of yourself OP. You were actually being refreshingly upfront with him IMO

Cantrememberasongname · 05/06/2024 09:12

Ahh it's just upset me tbh, I'll try to not take it personal, it's just weird but it's his issues.

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