Husband feels like my brother!

[Shareaway11]

Were on our last night of holiday, not been away together for 2 years, have been away separately due to one thing or another. 1 child 14 years old.

We've been together 20 years, I'm 38.
Nothing romantic going on, I have tried but he's either engrossed playing a game on his phone or telling me all about his bowel habits. I don't think he finds me attractive any more. Says all the right things if I ask, good dad and husband generally but the spark has gone? Not sure how to persue really, it's not as simple as LTB.

What would you do?

Relationships require nurturing- are either of you doing that?

It sounds like my relationship nowadays, I just cba anymore

It’s a very common problem. The first step is to talk to each other.

Do whatever you can to make yourself feel your absolute sexiest. Eg exercise or strength training so you're 'in' your body, get enough sleep, make an effort with your style and looks, chat (flirt?) with men you meet day to day... to put yourself in the most confident position you can. (He will notice and he will notice heads turning too).

Then let him know you are noticing a lack of passion and sexual connection, you used to love it when you did, and you miss it. Does he miss it to? What would he need for it to come back?

Maybe do marriage counselling.

You don’t need to ‘ltb’ if he’s not a bastard. Seems like a good time to address the fact that you’re in a rut and see if you can rekindle? Maybe marriage counselling would be a good start.

Probably not tbh

Why is that if you don't mind me asking

I feel like I've put on weight and had a SEN child and I don't have time anymore.

Because you need love, affection, intimacy- you need your partner to show an interest in you and laugh with you

You need to make an effort to engage with him on the things he enjoys. Date nights? Walks out together etc

Why do you need to nurture a relationship? Because good ones don’t just happen automatically. Think back to the start of the relationship and it probably built up over time. You didn’t go from strangers to spouses in an instant, you built up to it. Perhaps approach this the same way and take active steps to rekindle things. Are there points he’s trying to woo you and you’re playing a game or discussing your bowel habits? Probably.

I think it's quite normal. There are people on Mumsnet who say their partners of 30 years are their soul mates and they still have the most passionate sex (lucky them!). But many people are like you two - I'd say couples often get over-comfortable with each other and take each other for granted. You both need to make an effort to focus on each other and inject some romance in to procedures. DH and I manage it occasionally but we need to make an effort or it won't happen.

Hey Vakka!!

Why on earth is he telling you about his bowel habits? You say he's like your brother, well your brother doesn't do that does he? I hope not! Nobody wants to hear about somebody else's bowels.

Long term relationships require effort and adjustment. It’s tempting at times to give in, but honestly if you can grow what you have that’s better. I’ve been with my husband 25 years, we’ve had a few tough periods I didn’t think we would get through, but we came out stronger. Give it your best shot, hopefully he does the same. If you’re not feeling it after really trying, you need to let it go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, you just need to be sure of your decisions.

I've been with my husband nearly 20 years, relationships require time spent together and making an effort. Maybe go on a date night?