Would you offer your ex more time with his child when the child isn't a priority?

[wiseoldsnail]

My ex right now only has 1 day every other weekend with our son. This is due to my ex being abusive and also the fact that he has dipped in and out of our son's life for the past 9/10 months.

Since we separated last year, he moved straight into his new girlfriend's house with her children and she is now pregnant. This is my exs 4th child to the 4th mother.

I have been left absolutely traumatised by the whole process and it's been a complete and utter nightmare. The whole thing is a mess.

One of my exs children has decided he no longer wants anything to do with his father he my ex hasn't seen him for 10 months. My ex blamed this on his failing mental health and didn't see our son for 3 months. No contact and rarely asked about our son. He would also let him down due to him rather having a social life etc.

Now he's well and truly landed on his feet and his new girlfriend is pregnant....he now has somewhere to live, my ex is now ready to be dad again to our son.

Our son has additional needs and no over night stays are possible due to on going toileting issues with our son.

However the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about letting my ex have our son for 2 days a weekend without him sleeping over. So he sleeps with me each night but goes to his dads during the day. I haven't asked my ex yet as my gut was telling me to hold off.

My son is extremely confused about everything that's happened. He has lost his brother as well as getting used to seeing his dad with another woman and a new family. However the new gf seems nice and my son likes her so I'm taking that as a huge positive. What's frustrating is that my ex will only see our son if he's in a relationship. My ex cannot be on his own so if this relationship fails, my son is likely to again lose his dad and possibly another sibling.

Anyway as there is a new baby on the way, I thought it maybe time to increase contact.

I know child maintenance and contact don't go hand in hand but getting my ex to pay maintenance has been and continues to be an absolute nightmare. Yet again last week - no maintenance.

Today he informed me that he will pay what he's missed next week as he's struggling for money. He's self employed and on over 1k a week. He's a gambling addict. I did a bit of snooping and looked on his Facebook where he always does these lottery raffles that people do. Last week he spent over £100 on them. I have no proof but I know him well enough to know he's got no money because he can't stop gambling.

He lives with his new girlfriend but I'm also aware that they haven't declared it to benefits. He's living there rent free while she states she's still a single mother. He did the same to me when I met him. I know what he's doing....I have also learnt from my mistakes and will choose more wisely in future if I should ever choose to be in a relationship again.

Anyway, on the basis of my exs lack of involvement with our son, abuse towards me and clearly still gambling, would you offer extra time?

We are currently divorcing. This has also been a nightmare.

Gosh - no. I genuinely don’t really understand why you’d want to, and I don’t mean that ‘I don’t understand’ in a PA way that can unfortunately be used on here sometimes: I really honestly can’t understand why you would want to increase the time your son spends with an abusive man.

However the new gf seems nice and my son likes her so I'm taking that as a huge positive

This shouldn't be a factor. Because if your ex is on to the 4th mother of his 4th child, and is as unreliable as you describe then this relationship will not last either. It is not the responsibility of any of his gf's to facilitate a relationship between your son and his dad, and if you are depending on these women to be the stable factor, then what happens when this relationship breaks up and your son is left even more confused and upset.

I wouldn't push it with the dad. He doesn't care. If he wants more access let him come to you and ask for it. I would however look to any family and friends support you have to help you. You cannot depend on him for anything. So find the people you can depend on. You're doing a fabulous job, and it seems like you are willing to do more than your fair share to try encourage a relationship with his dad, But you can't make his dad be a decent person. If he was a decent person, then he already would be without you pushing for it.

Maybe I have misunderstood your post but I sm struggling to understand why you would do this.

No, protect your son. I had very limited time with my dad growing up - no overnights and maybe only a day a month, when he'd come over to our house and do something with us, like literally he never took me out to do anything just the two of us. I can only remember one holiday ever when I was probably 17 with him and his partner (who was lovely btw) and that was nightmare enough. My mum was shit in a lot of ways as a parent, but one thing I'm really grateful for was that she protected me from him, his mood swings, his up and down interest in being a parent (mostly he liked to show up for things where he might get some praise - graduation from something, awards ceremony, sporting event where I might win, etc.). I never wished for more time and I never felt like I missed out on more time with him. I was happiest at home with my mum and our nice peaceful stable family life.

Thank you - I am so glad that you are all saying no!

I have been fighting with myself over what to do with this. It's so hard as my son adores his dad. But he is 5 - he's innocent and he doesn't understand. I have protected him the very best I can - he doesn't have a clue what's gone on.

My heart says to increase time as I know my son misses his dad. But my gut (which is what I listen too now) says no.

Sorry u should have added - my ex has asked for more time .

He expects a full weekend. I have said no. I have offered him 1 day per week - he said no. I have offered him some time after school providing he can collect our son at a reasonable time - he said no. He wants every other weekend, Friday to Sunday which I won't allow.

I do think he would accept the Sunday without my son sleeping though.

I also agree with you that it isn't the gf responsibility to look after my son. Trust me I know - I did it for 7 years with his other kids and it was one of the many many many reasons I left. However as I know only too well, my ex cannot look after his kids alone, I am glad that his new girlfriend seems (at least) nice. He is repeating the same patterns so I know what will be expected of her. However we used to have his other kids all the time. Obviously I'm not letting that happen so hopefully the burden won't fall on her as it did me. I did absolutely everything for my step children. I still love them dearly.

Unless he is capable of looking after him without a gf to actually do all the work then I'd say no. Access is meant to be for the child to have time with their parent. Not with their parents partner.

He is asking for more time because he wants to show the new gf how great he is. You've offered extra days and he's turned them down. It's like he requested full weekends because he knows you'll say no.

Although, I know your DS has SN, you deserve a break from that too. Anything you are capable of doing with regards toileting, he should be able to do too. I'm going to change direction slightly and say maybe you should agree to a full weekend. Just as a trial run to see how your son gets on. Making clear that it is your ex that needs to be present and looking after DS. He needs to be the one doing the work, helping with the toilet etc.

Is your DS good at communicating? When he comes home can he tell you how he got on?

The issue with the toilet is that he cannot have a poo without anyone but me. He's still in pull ups and just isn't able to use the toilet - we are waiting to see a consultant at the hospital about this. There has been a couple of times where my son has needed to go and my ex has had to bring him home early as my son panics and needs me. He's the same with everyone, not just my ex. However there was one incident a couple of years ago where my son just stopped being able to go for his dad and he's never been able to go again since.

When the time is right, I thought I would build up to 1 over night stay....but that leads to another issue of they have no where for my son to sleep. He will have to sleep in the girlfriend's bed and apparently she would sleep in a bed with her daughters...which to be honest I don't think is fair considering she is pregnant but obviously it my problem. They are very short on space though. Not sure how it will work when a new baby comes.

Absolutely no way would I allow this. The reason your 5 year old appears to ‘adore’ him is that he is probably fighting for his attention and doesn’t understand why he doesn’t get it from him.
Your ex wants to use your child to show his new piece what a great dad he can be. He will inevitably fall short and your poor boy will suffer the consequences

Absolutely I agree. It makes me so sad as I see this too. Sometimes his dad will ring and they will play games together over the phone and my son will always tell his dad to choose a game first that he wants to play. He is 100% going to people please his dad.

I also agree with the girlfriend situation too. It's just hard as I hold a lot of guilt for not letting them have much of a relationship.

But you haven’t stopped them having a relationship, his dad has. You are protecting your child!

@FlayedAbout thank you, again you are correct.

I just need reminding from time to time how bad this has actually all been.