To hold my divorce back until the kids are older?

[JannyRing]

Is there a ‘good’ age the kids are at when deciding to divorce?

I have two under 3 and can’t see staying with my H forever. However, at the moment it breaks my heart if I had to tell my toddler we are getting divorced, baby too young to understand.

Is there an ‘ideal/better’ age when kids can understand the situation better? In my mind they will start seeing things and not be that sad about it anyway as they get older.

Probably better to do it now for many reasons.

Children don't benefit from growing up seeing their parents in a bad relationship and are much more able to cope with change at toddler age than once they get a little bit older.

Do it now before you have two children old enough to know what is going on.

My parents spilt up when I was 16/17.

it was not good seeing my parents horrible marriage then having to go through your parents splitting up. I was still sad about it. Honestly I think the fact I was older and understood what was happening probably made it worse when I compared my situation to my friends who’s parents spilt up when they were younger.

Easier the younger they are surely 🤷‍♀️

I'd agree with this. My own parents separated when I was very young & I always assumed that it would be better if the kids were older, but later on I saw my friend go through her parents' divorce at the age of 14 and it really messed her up.

you think it is better for them to see things first??

Sooner rather than later. My parents split at 11. It was only slightly less traumatic than their actual marriage. Do it before they are old enough to remember anything.

I left it too late and it's caused untold damage. Do it sooner not later.

I think it largely depends on how your relationship is at the moment, and what the pair of you will be modeling to them about marriage as they grow up.

I had similar doubts about my marriage a couple of years ago (kids were 5 and 9) and I chose to stay, in a big part due to how it's separating would impact them. But he and I are good friends and our communication has always been good, so there was no nastiness and minimal tension. As it happens, we navigated the rough patch and are both enormously glad we stayed together. Neither of us wanted to end it, really, we just couldn't see a way forward (and past hurt feelings) at the time.

I waited. It was wrong. The older they got, the harder it was for them to reconcile what was happening.

The younger the better imo.

It will soon seem normal that dad is not living in the house, it will seem normal going to a different house for tea with dad. Young children adjust and accept things very easily . I'm assuming you do everything for their day to day care anyway so it won't be that different.

Babies and toddlers are hard on many relationships and you are over the worst so potentially your relationship could improve if you both want to. Unless there's been abuse it might be worth trying to save it

I waited until our kids were married and off hand. There wasn’t any abuse though.

Our youngest was three and out of all the kids, he was completely unfazed. Doing it now is far far better.

Why would you put yourself through such a traumatic experience (continuity of a relationship which you know is going to end in divorce?) to get your children to a "better" age?

You are worth more than that. The kids will be fine. My kids were 6 and 5 when he left, and are now 14/13.

Today, they barely have memories of any time when we were living with XH.

Do whenever you think is right. You know these kids not any of us

Sooner better than later. But 2 under 3 is the trenches and would put even the strongest relationship under strain. I guess question is why you suddenly can't see future with him? With 2 under 3 you were probably TTC just over a year ago!

Younger the better - I had two under 5 when I divorced, they barely noticed the change - friends who’s dc’s were 6+ were definitely affected more

Better for everyone in the long run to do it sooner rather than later

I was thinking that's probably easier too. Stay together for financial stability etc. but a massive sacrifice on happiness. If only everyone could have successful first marriages but it doesn't always work that way.

Please don't hold off until your kids are older. They are young now they'll get through it easier. My mum waited until I was 18 and my brother 16 before walking out on my dad. My brother ended up going off the rails. Our parents lost interest in us with their own depression etc. I ended up dropping out of university to bring up my brother. Now as an adult I can see they had a very dysfunctional marriage and should never have got married let alone lasted 18 years in it.

It’s easier for younger children, say under 5’s.

I think teens find all the change particularly difficult to cope with.

Far better to do it when they are younger. Mine divorced when I was 2 and I don't even remember it.

Coming from someone whos been a teen through parents divorce I would say the younger the better, that way they will get use to it and also not feel like they have to take sides etc (thats not just happened to me either,). Sometimes divorces can go smooth but most common not to. Longer you leave it you'll become more resentful.

Younger the better in my opinion.