Taking mil to court to return my son & remove her PR?

[Crowamongstdoves]

Please be gentle with me. A year ago I had a breakdown due to the impact of domestic abuse by DH. At the time my health was seriously impacted to the point I thought I might have MS.

DS never missed school, had no more or less bugs than the average four year old (GP letter confirmed this) and my breastfeeding on medication which was overseen by the perinatal team and breastfeeding friendly, did not damage DS as mil stated.

DS had a hair strand test - was negative for my medication and a paediatritian assessment found no Issues nor neglect.

i had been accused pretty much, of having factitious induced illness / munchausens because both myself and DS have ASC and at the time I was having tests for MS

my DS was having his usual time with mil and DH (DH has a litany of health and mental health issues and the lions share in his time is by mil) during which I had my breakdown.

that was basically exhaustion and lot of tears. I lost basic skills and decision making because I had been abused for so so long and I didn’t realise what was going on.

when I expected to have DS home, I had short notice as they had put in for an EPO and lied on the form stating I was having a psychosis

an ICO was in place & a guardian appointed

i since found that I had a breakdown not for MH reasons but for neurological overload

for some unknown reason, despite providing evidence to prove no harm was done or could be done likely from breastfeeding and no harm from the paed assessment, the reason for threshold was that I had put DS at risk of significant harm by breastfeeding.

I also had a psych evaluation and of course I don’t have FII / munchausens or a personality disorder.

despite this, the social worker involved sided with my mil and DH and disregarded the police records of assault on me by DH and many other serious incidents. The sw decided that he felt I had misunderstood the abuse and was projecting onto mil and DH some kind of trauma. IF there was DV it was historical and I was equally to blame.

the sw he didn’t work with me. I had a parent assessment but they had forgotten to do mine and so I had two meetings of about an hour and answered education questions. When I queried when I could have the meetings for the rest of the questions i was told it had been done and had been taken from mil and DH!!

In short I had done nothing wrong and had evidenced this and naively believed that I would have my son returned to me.

it turned out mil had sent approx 250 emails equating to one per day to the social worker about me as a parent and my home and my parenting (she and I are poles apart) despite not actually being inside my home nor witnessing me as a parent.

i had never had a psychosis and had no mental health issues yet the judge decreed that I had no insight on account of my not taking responsibility for this psychosis?!

the children Guardian did not even meet me

what ended up happening was mil was given PR alongside DH and I

there were no legal stipulations on access other than I had to do some intervention work and remain supervised ( I haven’t had a concern at all in supervised but mil has had concerns raised from ds behaviour & things he has said) and was to be unsupervised and fall into line with usual separated parents ‘sooner rather than later’

not a week goes by when mil raises a petty concern or makes an allegation about my time with my son, despite it being supervised with cameras in the room, she has alleged I feed him junk food, force expensive toys on him, or too many toys, that I whisper to him or that I am inappropriate in all kinds of ways from the games we play to the jokes we make.

i cannot seem to have a voice in this where the positives and work I have done is recognised

it is almost a year since court and not one thing has moved forward. She denied me wishing DS a merry Christmas, denied me wishing DS a happy birthday. Denied having community contact. There is now no more interventions to be done. I am not a safeguarding risk!

i have also initiated myself during this, DBT and one to one trauma therapy. I have completed an 8 week dv course and I am doing another one of the same. I have had a complete recovery. I’m free from the toxicity and I feel confident to know what a red flag is. The guilt I have from remaining with DH I will never forgive myself for as ultimately it has lead to this.

DH failed his drug test but it was deemed irrelevant as mil was sharing custody with him and I, she had removed me from my sons GP records and won’t allow me to see his school plays and what not

my son never stops asking to come home and wanting to be in his real bedroom and to be with me. It is heartbreaking to have been breastfeeding him one night, and now more than a year and a half later I am still forced to be supervised not bcause I am a risk but because it is my only option or not see him at all

would I be unreasonable to initiate court proceedings and ask for my son to be returned to my care? He wants to come home; I’m well and thriving, I have a stable home and I am competent as I always was.

I had a crisis and I needed support not for this to have happened. I cannot understand how it did other than a judge will take a social worker and a guardian at their word and of course they didn’t meet or work with me.

mil and DH have all the power and control. I wonder if this is an extension of the abuse? From my courses it certainly seems so however it isn’t him doing it, it’s mil

I don’t know what to do and I’m so afraid that I’ll make things worse if I go back to court because I was totally thrown under the bus and it will surely be impossible to explain my side and the fact no assessments were done as they should and no harm was ever found? They’ll think I’m as crazy as I’ve been made out to be. I feel so helpless.

i would appreciate any thoughts or advice on this.

the social worker involved sided with my mil and DH and disregarded the police records of assault on me by DH and many other serious incidents. In short I had done nothing wrong and had evidenced this

it's not just on the sw this decision is it? Did the case not go to court and a judge?

I would definitely take legal advice with a view to starting proceedings.

I'm sure lots of people will be along to be horrified that you were practising natural term weaning. Ignore them, you were doing a natural and wonderful thing for your child.

I’ve seen this in my work and unfortunately my professional experience has left me less than confident about social workers making wise decisions. The reality though is that the courts place high weight on these reports and so getting justice (I.e a previous t statement about you changed) is next to impossible. I will give you the same advice I have given my clients in this scenario. Lay down your totally understandable need for justice. It’s not fair. But you will likely get shared care if you simply stick to “I was very unwell. It certainly made sense for MiL to have custody for that period of time. But I’m better now and it’s in my child’s best interests to have a proper relationship with their mother”. Don’t argue about the past. Just focus on the best interests of your child, now. This is exceptionally hard to do. I do realise. But fighting about what was written before just won’t achieve the hopes you want. I’d also suggest focusing on sharing care. Don’t try to get PR removed from MIL. In fact be the much more reasonable one and say you think it’s very much in your child’s interests to maintain a close relationship. Let your MIL play the irrational person in this. If she is ranting and raving about you it won’t reflect well on her. Rise above.

I have nothing helpful to advise but just wanted to say this all sounds awful, my heart feels
for you.

Did you not get legal advice at the time? If not why not, and if so what was their advice?

You asked for thoughts: mine are that it is always horribly difficult to understand exactly what has gone on in situations like this, especially on the basis of a Mum in emotional pain trying to post what's happened.

This is not meant rudely or to be accusatory, it is just fact: we all form well worn narratives at some level after going through long drawn out traumatic situations, and recollections of exactly how things panned out often vary without intentional untruths. There will be things missing, important things, that aren't being focused on, and things being seen from one pov only. It's normal, it's human nature.

You've posted in the bear pit of AIBU, so brace for extreme opinions of all sorts.

You are understandably looking at the past, wanting perceived wrongs put right, and things to be seen from a how we got here perspective.. IME courts will be far more interested in the present, and what is easiest and safest for them, to ensure stability for your Ds, not how you all ended up there.

So taking all you are saying as being entirely correct in your own mind, (again please don't take that wrongly) my suggestion would be as you are starting off on the back foot, fairly or unfairly, before trying to start any legal challenge, you seek help and try to get a formal overseen family conference* for plans with moving forward. Let the outcomes of that be professionally recorded, and them assist the whole family in making a plan, and see where it takes you, before heading into a legal fight.
More flies are caught with honey...

Your Mil is likely to remain an important figure in D's life even if home, and very likely to continue to have legal visitation rights, his father always has the potential to double that access effectively, so recognize that, and don't start any war that could be avoided. Use 'best interests of child' processes rather than 'all or nothing' court processes if you can.

You, D's Grandmother, his father, are all really important figures in Ds's life regardless of anything he may feel or say to any of you at any given point.

Center him and his needs, rather than immediate wants which match up with yours, no matter how hard that might be.
Of course you want him home, and of course he's going to say he wants that to you, but some of it may not be for quite the reasons heartbroken Mum's understandably go to, and how it might be achieved is the difference between a happy and settled child with Mum, and 'winning' but with an unsettled vulnerable situation going forward.

Ultimately whatever happens moving forwards, any potential changes would need to happen at the rate that works for your son, not the adults.

The best advice I can give is talk to, and work with, The Family Rights Group. They are experienced and quite aware that there are many sides to every story including processes going wrong.

*https://frg.org.uk/family-group-conferences/what-is-a-family-group-conference/

That is very sensible advice thank you. And you’re right, judges do often just rely on what they’re given irrespective of there is literally black and white evidence for the opposite. It’s been terrifying to see that the family court doesn’t work the way you’d imagine it to. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this trauma. And my friends have advices me on this too. I wanted a return to live with me and see him EOW and one night every other week as before. It’s all she has known and what she wants. Is that worth asking for? She thinks I’m going to alienate my DS but the contact centre have documented I am never negative and always positive and encouraging.

Thankyou so much, I question myself so very much and I absolutely hear you but when it’s a case of ‘DS was filthy and had recurrent UtI / thrush etc’ and I provide a doctors letter to say he hasn’t had these before’ and the assessments were all proving I was telling the truth it becomes baffling as to what this is based upon other than a personality contest. My legal team likely assumed that medical letters assessments and what not which proved the truth of the matter would be pretty much it but no, what transpired was beyond anyones nightmares. Every failure on DH part was either omitted or minimised such as his positive drug test. As for family group conference - they refused to do it. I did Solution focus therapy via the La too, I had two sessions then went back to hear what MIL wanted and was told she wanted me to have DS EOW half holidays mid week and could I do the following Saturday? I didn’t believe this, and as usual what she says (all the right things) but when it comes to action she refuses and stalls. Court is really my last option. A wonderful sw who isn’t part of our case has stepped on to advocate for me and DS so at least I will have that. But I have engaged in all that’s asked of me and then some. I have also never stopped access even when he was arrested. Li always put my DS and hi relationship with his DH and Mil first. Makes me wish I hadn’t done so much that I didn’t have to do for them considering what they’re doing to ds

No, it’s on the Guardian too. But the Guardian didn’t even meet me. He relied on the sw report. I had put in a complaint and had it upheld just before ds went to dad and didn’t come back, and what I didn’t know was the sw was in contact with mil on a daily basis and the sw relied entirely on the mil daily emails. I never thought I wouldn’t have a voice or at least a fair hearing on the most basic of levels. But it’s happened. It’s incredulous that a sw can make such a bold lie, it remains as truth and despite all court assessments proving I’m telling the truth and all medical letters provided back my truth it made zero difference. I can’t even be sure the judge even read them. And there is nowhere to go. When I just about could accept this is it now, I was expecting to have unsupervised and a shared arrangement as it’s onto a child arrangement in their favour via lived with. I didn’t expect for almost a year go by where only I have done the interventions and that they wouldn’t even allow a basic call on his birthday without a single valid reason. It is a frightening world to be in when only someone professional’s word matters and not anyone or anything else.

Is it possible I could DM you?

Do you have a solicitor? PM me for a name in the south east. You might be entitled to legal aid.

When did you last see your DS?

I'm shocked the guardian didn't meet you! Does your mil have an sgo over your son?

I would seek legal advise and ask for an Independent social worker assessment. To be honest, given you felt the initial assessment was unfair I am surprised your solicitor did not request one at the time. This way an independent social worker will gather evidence to decide if you are fit to potentially have your child back. It is also possible that the guardian would be someone new.

Unless adoption is granted, there are always ways for parents to get reassessed.

The assessment I should have had due to my health issue is a PAMS. I did ask for an ISW early on, my solicitor dropped the ball on that too, plus it wasn’t until very late, too late, that I was informed I could have contested at the start! When I pushed for the ISW I was told that it would delay the trial and that my DS would be more settled and that the barrister could challenge the sw on his report and the errors. Well that would be the entire thing. So I took the advice to allow the barrister to challenge and it failed. I shouldn’t have listened. And barrister she tried to have Guardians report thrown out for the reasons that she didn’t meet me nor did she observe me with DS and it’s incredulous that she didn’t! She believed the strength of the sw report was enough. Even though he didn’t give me a full assessment unless three times at an hour each barely touching the assessment questions? No mil didn’t get an SGO. Dh wouldn’t have had residency of DS without mil so mil was granted PR alongside myself and DH

I see my DS once a week supervised.

OP as much as people will have a view here on what feels morally right - for a mum to be with their child - no one on here can really advise you about whether going up court is the right course of action for you. You'd need to get legal advice. A solicitor would only recommend going back to court if they felt that you had a reasonable chance of success.

For example people often talk on here about parents always having the right to be reassessed, that's not strictly true. Parents have the right to be reassessed, but if say a previous assessment said that a parent would need to demonstrate two years of stability, or do certain types of therapy and have a further psychological assessment to see what progress had been made, then a solicitor wouldn't usually take your money to go back to court unless those things had been achieved. Similarly if it's not likely to be in the best interests of the child to be reunited with a parent (eg if they have lived with the relative a long time and feel that's their home)

I feel for you, and it sounds like you're trying to get help for yourself which is great, but please do get proper specialised advice on this if you can.

Can I just confirm
This happened 18 months ago
DS was 4 then and in school? So is now 5?
You were still breast feeding- which in itself is not a bad thing hut is unusual at 4yrs?

What medication were you supposed to be on?
Were you taking it and did it say not to take while BFing? The hair test being negative doesn't mean your DS wasn't at risk/exposed. Different drugs will show up in different tissues....or maybe you weren't taking the medication. But it sounds like the argument was you were told NOT to VF while taking this medication but continued.

Medical pros don't jump to munchsusen etc quickly

i since found that I had a breakdown not for MH reasons but for neurological overload

It's reasonable for you to want this reviewed, but there is no such thing as 'neurological overload' so I would make sure that you get your facts straight. good luck.

Social Workers make recommendations to court. They dont make decisions. The court make decisions

You had a solicitor who would have cross examined the SW and the Guardian and you.

If the court had felt that the evidence was clear, as you say, your child would have been rehabilitated with you.

What gain, professional or personal is there for the SW or the Guardian to make recommendations which fly in the face of the evidence?

I’m curious why you are doing DBT? DBT is treatment for personality disorder - in fact in most NHS trusts you are required to have a diagnosis in order to be eligible for it.

It may be worth accessing your medical records. The judge may know something you don’t.

You would not be the first person to be misdiagnosed with personality disorder, (or correctly - no one here could possibly say either way, and I myself am diagnosed, it doesn’t make you a monster) but then the diagnosis be kept from them ‘in their best interests’.

If medical records are needed for court, which they may well have been given OP says she needed a PAMs parenting assessment, which suggests low cognition or low functioning, then they are obtained by the subject's legal team and shared with the court. OP sees everything (if she engaged with her solicitors appointments) that is submitted in the bundle.

Your breakdown/overload is still relatively recent. That’s not to say you don’t deserve congratulations for working hard to get yourself in a stronger place. I would suggest you seek to increase contact. Going from one supervised visit a week to having full residency is a big jump. Could you request more contact?

DBT is a treatment for various mental health presentations, not just 'personality disorder'. I have never heard of a patient having to have a diagnosis of a personality disorder to access DBT in any NHS setting. It may be a reason for DBT but there are many other reasons DBT would be recommended as a treatment.

With the best will in the world OP I think it's unlikely that you're going to go from one supervised visit a week to having your son back to live with you and removing parental responsibility from MIL in one go. Surely there would be stages, eg more visits followed by unsupervised visits followed by an overnight visit and so on? I think you need advice from a solicitor specialising in child custody cases. Try not to rehash (understandable) grievances from what's gone before and focus on how you are now and what's best for your son going forward. It will help your case if you're seen as positive and if MIL behaves unreasonably, it will hopefully work in your favour.

What is the plan with the supervised contact - will it be increased and/or move to non supervised in the future?

Although really, the advice you need is far above MN’s pay grade. There’s no way posters on here will be able to get a good enough understanding of the case to give specific advice.