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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not sure why friend was messaging me this?

24 replies

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 09:49

I'm sure he was just trying to help but it came out of the blue.
We work together and are both friends with another man there. About 6/7 months ago I was interested in man #2.
He seemed interested too but then suddenly went cold what seemed like overnight, I tried to maintain a friendship but it was all very hot and cold and it was distressing so I put a bit of space between us and explained I liked him. He told me he didn't want to get involved as we work in the same department.
Some friends I told rushed to tell me it was just an excuse, I couldn't know for sure but either way I just accepted whatever he said and moved on.
Friend 1 always thought that man 2 liked me and tried to set me up with him before I even knew him. Apparently the man had said nice stuff about me to our mutual friend (which doesn't mean a lot)
Anyway fast forward almost half a year later I've moved on. I'm not dating anyone but I'm interested in someone else. I still work with man 2, we're on friendly terms but not close, he goes out of his way to avoid me a bit, like he's perfectly polite and friendly but would never initiate a conversation himself so I just hardly bother with him anymore.
Last night friend 1 texted me out of nowhere asking what's going on with me and this man these days. I replied absolutely nothing and there never has been, that's all long gone.
He replied 'I know he says he doesn't want anything but I think that's because he thinks you don't want anything serious and he's just worried about work, but you've had 2 job interviews so in my opinion you should try and strike up a fresh conversation and it could lead to something good.'
I just replied saying that man 2 had clearly not been interested back in January, or maybe he was then wasn't but I will never know, and reminded him of the work thing.
He hasn't replied yet but I've no intention of doing this.
Man 2 would clearly be letting me know if he'd changed his mind. I'm looking for a new job because I'm buying a house and will need a higher income, also my company are stopping overtime soon and I depend on it financially.

I am a bit upset after this convo as it just reminded me of everything. I think my friend was just being nice, though I've literally not mentioned this man to my friend in almost half a year so no idea where it all came from, if anything I've mentioned other men.

OP posts:
honeycarrots · 02/06/2024 10:07

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Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 10:08

Apologies it was a little long-winded 🤣
TL;DR a mutual friend at work is trying to encourage me to speak to someone who turned me down half a year ago on the basis I'm leaving soon and that it could lead to something good, this has all come out of nowhere as i haven't mentioned said man to my friend since start of the year.

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honeycarrots · 02/06/2024 10:10

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DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 02/06/2024 10:10

I find texting, wats apps, emails can often be misunderstood as often it is difficult to just the tone and does not give the sender to clarify there and then

Willmafrockfit · 02/06/2024 10:11

yyou are right in your own opinion,
you have been there, asked the question
dont go there again

LongSinceGotUpAndGone · 02/06/2024 10:12

If he was really interested, he wouldn't have let work stand in the way. Your friend is just stirring. Move on.

Shirtdress · 02/06/2024 10:12

It doesn’t seem like there’s anything to decide, though — you’ve moved on, your friend seems insistent there’s potential with your colleague, but that colleague turned you down a few months ago and has given no indication he’s changed his mind. Just go on as you are. If working together was really the sticking point for the colleague, he would presumably signal a change of heart once you’re definitely leaving. Ball’s in his court either way.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/06/2024 10:12

I wonder if the two men have been talking and your friend got the impression you have a good chance with the other guy?

Either way YANBU to blank it - the guy said no, he knows where you are and he isn't making any moves on you so leave him in the past and continue to look elsewhere.

SurelySmartie · 02/06/2024 10:13

drop her a line

Drop who a line?

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 10:30

True, if he were really interested I'd presumably find out if I leave. But it would be stupid to mention anything else now. Friend was maybe drunk!

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honeycarrots · 02/06/2024 10:35

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Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 10:36

TheYearOfSmallThings · 02/06/2024 10:12

I wonder if the two men have been talking and your friend got the impression you have a good chance with the other guy?

Either way YANBU to blank it - the guy said no, he knows where you are and he isn't making any moves on you so leave him in the past and continue to look elsewhere.

I asked my friend if he'd said something about me but he stopped replying after that, I also wonder if they've been talking about me, it's all odd and I think my friend is maybe just stirring.

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angelikacpickles · 02/06/2024 10:36

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The friend is a man.

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 10:39

I just think it would look desperate tbh. I don't even think I'll tell him if I'm leaving actually.

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Hermanfromguesswho · 02/06/2024 10:40

Honestly I’d just reply ‘it was a long time ago that I was interested in him, I’m interested in someone else right now. What made you bring it up after so long?’

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/06/2024 10:40

Friend 1 probably fancies you and is testing the water - most likely explanation - unless he's gay (you didn't say)

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 10:40

Hermanfromguesswho · 02/06/2024 10:40

Honestly I’d just reply ‘it was a long time ago that I was interested in him, I’m interested in someone else right now. What made you bring it up after so long?’

You're right, that's pretty much what I said. It was literally half a year ago, I do just think he was drunk!

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Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 10:41

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 02/06/2024 10:40

Friend 1 probably fancies you and is testing the water - most likely explanation - unless he's gay (you didn't say)

Oh no, I don't think so, friend 1 has a girlfriend and besides is far too young 🤣

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Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 16:55

I'm now a bit worried my friend has said something similar to this guy and that the guy thinks it's come from me, I really don't want him to think that.
I deserve a lot better than the hot and cold he was giving me.

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BobbyBiscuits · 02/06/2024 17:14

It does sound like man 2 has been telling man one to reach out on his behalf. But it seems bizarre? You've no interest in man 2 either way and said so. Or it could be man 1 is interested in you and wanted to check you weren't involved with the other guy? But what a weird way to word it.
Just carry on with your new friendships and leave those two. They both seem a bit weird.

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 17:15

BobbyBiscuits · 02/06/2024 17:14

It does sound like man 2 has been telling man one to reach out on his behalf. But it seems bizarre? You've no interest in man 2 either way and said so. Or it could be man 1 is interested in you and wanted to check you weren't involved with the other guy? But what a weird way to word it.
Just carry on with your new friendships and leave those two. They both seem a bit weird.

Yeah it's odd. It was man 2 who I was initially interested in and he rejected me.
Man 1 is much younger than me and is seeing someone, I really doubt he's ever been interested.

Although he did say "Is there anything going on between you and man 2 these days"
You're right, it's all odd.

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BobbyBiscuits · 02/06/2024 17:20

@Tohellandbeyond thank you. Yeah, at best, it's a weird way to reignite a friendship. But I'd say give both a wide berth. You've moved on and are happy.
I guess you never know what's going on in some men's brain? Lol

haddockfortea · 02/06/2024 17:24

Friend #1 is way too invested in your personal life. I'd tell him to butt out and mind his own beeswax.

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 17:50

Im just worrying that he's said something to the other man and that the man will think I've been talking about him.

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