Issues with friend TTC

[Sunnyday2024]

Hello, long term lurker! Apologies for the long post.

My good friend has been struggling to conceive for a number of years. It takes up all of her thoughts and energy and she's understandably devastated that it hasn't happened for her yet.

I've tried so hard to be sympathetic and do anything I can to support her.

I had a baby last year in and did everything possible to avoid offending her. I didn't post anything on social media about pregancy or babies, hid my bump under baggy clothes and didn't have a baby shower in case it upset her. I went away for a night with my husband before the baby arrived and she text me constantly while I was away to talk about her own miscarriage. I had PND but she dismissed this and said I was just stressed.

We met up yesterday and she talked for over an hour about TTC. She was also complaining that anyone who talks about their children is selfish. I ended up in tears on the way home - I want to help and be a good friend, but it's so one sided and I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I get really anxious before I see her. My husband says it's not a healthy relationship and I need to distance from her.

AIBU to put some boundaries in place? What should I do?

Just dump her.

You're curtailing your life just to please someone out of sympathy for them.

Unfortunately she is self centred and doesn't give a stuff about your feelings.

Yes it must be awful if she can't conceive but you tiptoeing around her is completely unnecessary.

That's really tricky. I've been you (I now have two DCs) and I've been your friend (4 rounds of IVF and two miscarriages).

Your friend sounds hurt and upset. I know I get snippy when I'm sad. I try and push people away at a time when I actually want love. Obviously I and not rational and don't see that in the moment!

Having said that, you don't need to be her entire support system. I think you need to look after yourself. Rather than saying much now and falling out and/or going cold turkey, could you just meet up less and wait until she is feeling less raw?

You sound like a really lovely friend x

She may have been a good friend in the past, but now it seems like this relationship is one-sided and stressful. Yes, her journey of TTC sounds stressful and all consuming, but that doesn't make it right for her to dismiss your PND experience. Drop the relationship.

I understand. It's so hard. I understand that infertility is devastating, and all-consuming, but it is possible to avoid selfishness in friendships/relationships at the same time. I have a similar friend. I had to back off massively from her. I supported her hugely, often to my own detriment, like you op. She stopped talking to me for over a year when I became pregnant. It felt pretty hard after I'd given her so much of my time and emotional energy. When she finally contacted me again, she apologised. While I understand and there are no hard feelings, I have boundaries in place now, and I keep a distance emotionally, and don't get very involved in he life anymore, or give very much of myself on an emotional level.

Your husband is right. She’s not a good friend. If you take a step back and look at how you’ve pandered to her feelings at the expense of your own you’ll see how unhealthy this is.

Lots of us have had struggles having babies. It is not an excuse to be a dick. Given her dismissal of your PND she’s just become a horrible person who doesn’t deserve your time or energy. God help you if she does manage to conceive, she won’t just be happy. She’ll either be the first woman of the modern age to birth the messiah or she’ll wang on about how hard it is and no one else can possibly understand.

Seriously, stop seeing her. Focus on yourself, your baby, other better friends. You know this.

Sounds like she's stuck in the insanity part of infertility. It's not personal and it doesn't last.

For your own sake you should take a step back from the friendship, just for now. You sound incredibly supportive. It's such a shame you had to hide your pregnancy though, don't moderate your behaviour anymore.

I've been through years of fertility challenges (IVF) and pregnancy loss and I think it's impossible for people to understand how it impacts you unless you've been there. A high proportion of people going through this struggle massively with anxiety, depression and even suicidal feelings. I know I have and this has affected some of my friendships because there have been points when I've barely been able to focus on keeping myself functioning let alone working on other relationships.

I don't think she's selfish, or a horrible person she's just struggling massively and probably needs professional counselling. I don't think she would be in the right headspace to support you with your PND.

Having said that, you have really gone above and beyond to support her. You're a fantastic friend. But you should live your life as you want to (eg with social media etc) and probably accept that it makes sense to have some space from this friendship for a while (it will probably help you both).

She almost certainly still values your friendship and, if and when she comes out from the other side of this, I think she'd want to still be part of your life.

I think it's impossible for people to understand how it impacts you unless you've been there

Who decides how much suffering justifies treating a close friend this way? I didn’t need ivf so can’t relate to that but I did lose 5 pregnancies over 3 years and managed not to trash any friendships including with women who had oopsie pregnancies, planned and conceived immediately pregnancies, easy drug free pregnancies and uncomplicated deliveries. They weren’t stealing my luck or making my chance of a baby less because they’d had theirs.

If this woman isn’t able to support OP with PND then it’s unreasonable for her to expect OP to support her to the extent she did with her infertility. Having been fortunate enough to have her baby doesn’t make OP immune to struggles of her own or obliged to provide free therapy no matter the cost.

This friendship is over and the other woman will find all of her relationships falter if she continues to behave as she has.

You should not run your life in case 'it may upset her'. Her infertility should not dampen your own joy at having a baby.
Yes you don't go on and on about your baby, certainly not complain about disrupted nights etc, but you are as much entitled to enjoy and celebrate. You have listened and sympathised, but she has not been a good friend back.
She's being very selfish. Maybe back off - if she can't handle it then that's on her.
We visited a couple, old friends of my husband's, who had had several miscarriages (and one son). We had just found out we were expecting but when she said she had another miscarriage recently we obviously did not. But my pregnancy was not going to be a secret and so a few weeks later he called his friend and told him. Things got frosty after that (I did not know the woman well myself having only met her a couple times). What else could he do? Pretend it wasn't happening?

Infertility does have a massive impact on MH and makes people very selfish sometimes.
I think it's too far to suggest people can't talk about their children? It's like denying part of your life exists just because it isn't part of her life. I backed off from pregnant friends a bit when going through TTC/ IVF because I found those convos hard on me. I made the choice to check they were okay / meet their babies / send congratulation gifts etc from a distance. I didn't expect to get to see them frequently and have zero conversation about them. That's silly.

Whilst I absolutely see (almost) where your friend is coming from to a degree... you're a person to? Your needs, your feelings, your children, your life - these all matter. You also need to put YOU first. It sounds like you've been incredibly patient. If you want and need to back off from this friendship you shouldn't feel any guilt about it. It sounds very one sided and draining and life's too short for that shit. It doesn't sound like you're getting anything good from it so why are you putting yourself through it?

If it were me, I'd want my friend to tell me why they were backing off but it depends on how she is as to if it's worth the emotional repercussions (e.g. will it make her feel more like a victim and that she's being abandoned by you for struggling) or if it's worth a silent distancing. Sometimes there are things we go through in life that make friendships and relationships incompatible.

It's not your fault she's in this situation so you shouldn't be being punished for it. Nobody should make you feel guilty for being able to have children.

YANBU. You’re allowed to post on social media and mention your DC. It sounds like she’s struggling with her situation but that doesn’t give her the right to rule your life and dismiss your PND.

I agree with @twoforwardandtwoback and feel incredibly sad for your friend. She is seriously struggling with MH and does not have the capacity to be a good friend right now.

Back off a bit, give her space and look after your needs for a while. Meet her ONLY when you feel ready, in the knowledge that she may be self consumed. Maybe a quick 20 min coffee as opposed to a night out.

Some day she will know what a good friend you have been to her and hopefully return the favour. It seems like neither of you are able to deal with each other right now.

Hope you feel better soon OP

Your husband is right- you do need to distance yourself a bit for your own mental health. I have massive empathy with her struggles but she cannot dictate that you never talk about your child. Of course you naturally wont go on and on about it as thats insensitive but to ask you to pretend your child doesnt even exist is frankly, ridiculous.

We are all responsible for muting social media if things trigger us and thats on us, not everyone else to cater to us. I bet if she did manage to conceive and have a baby she would be posting about it and talking about it constantly.

I have been bereaved several times but never asked friends to not talk about their families for example. Its a very sad situation but your mental health is just as important as hers.

Bin her. She's completely self absorbed and nuts.

We struggled to conceive our first took 3 years and fertility consultants. I would never have said the things she’s said. I fully understand it hurts and that longing for a child but she’s being plain cruel and it’s no needed.

I really feel for both of you.

I am currently pregnant after years of infertility and 5 cycles of IVF. It completely destroyed my mental health and ruined most of my relationships, the pain is so great that it is all consuming, I couldn't be happy for anyone having a baby, which actually was every woman in my family and several women at work in succession due to us all being close in age, all I could feel was jealousy and bitterness.

I distanced myself from all of these women because they were very insensitive and talked about nothing but their babies for months despite knowing how much I was hurting. Most people who have not been through infertility are very insensitive, they clearly just can't understand. You have been very kind and considerate towards her feelings which is commendable, however she is simply unable to reciprocate because of her pain unfortunately. The friendship is just imcompatible right now sadly, however hopefully if she gets her happy ending in the future you two can resume.

Now that I am pregnant I actually hate talking about my pregnancy because I'm constantly terrified of something going wrong or losing her because this baby girl is my only chance at having a family after so much heartache to concieve her, I've had miscarriage scares and lots of bleeding and I'm just terrified all of the time. People who concieved easily and had an easy low risk pregnancy with no scares can't relate to my experience and continue to say insensitive things so it has ruined a lot if the pregnancy talk/experience for me.

I also would never talk about these worries or my pregnancy mental health struggles with my friend who is still going through IVF because I know she would walk through glass for what I have and it would be insensitive to expect her to support me, so I don't talk about my pregnancy to her, we talk about everything else and I get my support elsewhere because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

So everyone saying if your friend concieved she would never stop going on about it and plaster it all over social media so just carry on talking about your baby are wrong, people who have experienced such trauma tend to be more empathetic to others than people who haven't. I'm very low key about my pregnancy because I know that people are suffering in silence and I have no idea who is hurting behind closed doors and don't want to hurt anyone.

Now that I am pregnant I have mended the relationships with the women in my family and at work as best I can, I have explained why I couldn't be a good friend/sister to them at the time and they have been incredibly understanding, but we are not as close as before, and I don't think things will ever be the same. I don't think I will ever be the same, infertility changes you on the deepest level and sadly you just have to accept things will never be the same.

What I'm trying to say is hopefully in future you two can get back to eachother but even if you do it may not be the same, and until then you just have to accept there needs to be distance between you two, for both of your sakes. Well done for being so considerate, I'm sorry you lost your friend to this awful situation and congratulations on your baby, cherish them, know how fortunate you are to have them and find the support you absoloutely deserve elsewhere because your needs are just as impirtant as your friends, but she is unable to meet yours right now and you deserve to connect with people who can.

You have done more than is reasonable in being sensitive to her feelings. Things like not having a baby shower - her feeljngs are really impinging on your experience of motherhood and that's not right. If she can't be around you as you are, you need to distance yourself

TTC can mess with your head but so does pregnancy/having a newborn. She's not a good friend anymore. She's too self centered and quite cruel I'm afraid. People change, friendships change, that's life.

What about you? PND is not stress, she can fuck off. You need support. You need space to be happy and celebrate these moments of your life which you will never get to re-live. Ever.

You absolutely do need to distance yourself from her. Don't ruin your experience for her sake.

I bet when she gets pregnant, she'll keep talking about herself anyway. She's too far gone and she needs a counsellor.

Thank you so much everyone, that's really helped me a lot.

It's so hard when you are in a situation to take a step back. I think I knew deep down that we needed space from each other, so it's really helpful to hear it from other people.

Congratulations on your baby. Part of having a baby is celebrating and part of it is being able to talk about the grottier bits, including the exhaustion and the trauma of labour & delivery. However much we love our children and however much we wanted them, it's not all unicorns and rainbows.

You shouldn't be having to hide any of that, it won't help your PND.

Your DH is absolutely right. You need friendships that support you too.