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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

She was annoyed because I knew she was ill

23 replies

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:28

We were meant to go out with a group of colleagues, arrived and one of them hadn't turned up, so I asked another friend if she was coming.
She said no, she messaged me saying she's not well/has some sort of bug.
I said oh that's a shame, and then we carried on with our night.
A bit later on I messaged the woman who didn't come saying 'Sarah said you haven't been too well, sorry to hear that, get well soon!'
She said thank you and that she was getting there.
The next time I saw her at work she asked 'How did you know I was ill?' I replied that I'd asked where you were at the meal and Sarah mentioned.
She looked at me a bit funny and said 'Oh, I usually don't tell many people when I'm ill.' and that was it.

I could understand if we were disclosing personal medical info but it was literally normal conversation. Is X person coming, no they're ill.
Isn't it something that friends do, say to each other, sorry you're unwell, get better soon?
The other week a friend's parent died and I messaged her offering my condolences. Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have done that either.

Without sounding past it, I feel like people are offended at the very slightest things and it never used to be like this.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 02/06/2024 08:29

This sort of thing is what makes me want to avoid socialising....it's exhausting. Yanbu

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:31

Comedycook · 02/06/2024 08:29

This sort of thing is what makes me want to avoid socialising....it's exhausting. Yanbu

It really is. People seem to have a pass to be offended at absolutely anything and everything and it's often passed off as anxiety or something similar. I'm not bashing anxiety sufferers or discrediting them at all but it's just more that sometimes people don't seem to have a grasp on reality.

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 02/06/2024 08:32

You haven't done anything wrong, she's being weird. Sarah did nothing wrong either, she said this person was unwell not exposed private medical information.

People really are getting strange these days.

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:32

Tagyoureit · 02/06/2024 08:32

You haven't done anything wrong, she's being weird. Sarah did nothing wrong either, she said this person was unwell not exposed private medical information.

People really are getting strange these days.

They are 🤣 I could understand if maybe she was pregnant and had said to the other woman please don't tell anyone, or something similar.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 02/06/2024 08:34

People are getting offended at the slightest thing these days. I wouldn’t be surprised if she complained to HR.

Tagyoureit · 02/06/2024 08:35

Exactly, that would be over stepping but in this situation, being told someone is unwell probably means they have a cold. Who cares if people know you have a cold? Odd!

Springwatch123 · 02/06/2024 08:39

You’ve done nothing wrong and it’s pretty standard to ask why someone hasn’t turned up, and pretty standard to have a ‘they’re ill’ reply. It’s not like you were given their full medical history, warts and all.

I guess, worse case scenario, she thought you were privy to more sensitive information, rather than a genetic ‘she’s ill’ type situation.

Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 02/06/2024 08:39

I think she was surprised Sarah covered for her no-show by saying she was ill when she wasn't, and she felt caught out when you messaged her. I don't see how anyone could be offended by wishing her health better. Unless she had something medically "embarassing" that she didn't want discussed/shared?

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:40

Yeah I really don't understand. Next time I won't bother, ah well.

OP posts:
Chanelbasketballandchain · 02/06/2024 08:43

She's weird, for no reason, nothing personal or embarrassing was revealed.
Ignore her. Maybe she has something going on and she worried people would know details. Or she is an attention seeker posting obscure status and "PM hun" when people ask if she's ok.

Don't stop sending condolences, it's awful when people suddenly go silent when something happens.

FOJN · 02/06/2024 08:49

Her question is strange because you said Sarah had mentioned she wasn't well in your original message.

Imagine being upset that someone thought about you and sent a message wishing you well. What a miserable, paranoid way to live.

I wouldn't think anymore about it. It's a her problem not a you problem.

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:49

FOJN · 02/06/2024 08:49

Her question is strange because you said Sarah had mentioned she wasn't well in your original message.

Imagine being upset that someone thought about you and sent a message wishing you well. What a miserable, paranoid way to live.

I wouldn't think anymore about it. It's a her problem not a you problem.

Yeah exactly, I'd be touched if someone had thought of me enough to wish me well, it rarely happens 🤣

OP posts:
FOJN · 02/06/2024 08:50

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:40

Yeah I really don't understand. Next time I won't bother, ah well.

No, please don't let weird people stop you being decent.

Tlolljs · 02/06/2024 08:51

Maybe she wasn’t really ill? Just didn’t want to go and thought you were being sarky?
Maybe she thought Sarah told you she had something embarrassing?
Just ignore her don’t ask her how she is next time. Can’t win with some.

CableCar · 02/06/2024 08:53

You are kind and thoughtful, so YANBU in that respect. It's kind of you to look out for her. Dont stop asking after and looking out for friends - the majority will appreciate it.

However , also YABU - I don't think it matters that much. She may have been going through something personal like IBS/chrons/colitis and just not told many people - which may explain her query to you. There's probably more to the story than meets the eye and she wanted to keep it on a down low. When my friend was miscarrying she told me she had a 'bad tummy' and later admitted what was going on when she felt able to share and talk about it. They may be more going on than you know and it's ok for her to keep it personal if she doesn't want to talk about it.

poetryandwine · 02/06/2024 08:54

The no show was silly. If she was annoyed at all, it was at the wrong person. If she really told Sarah something in confidence be annoyed at Sarah. But I can’t see why.

Once I congratulated a guy on a temporary contract for landing a very good permanent job, because a mutual friend had organised a small leaving party for him and told me his good news. At this very nice party, at her house, he snapped at me, ‘No one is supposed to know!’ I could only think, why tell her? Heart of gold but it’s good news so you had to know she would not keep quiet. Staggering rudeness really.

manysausages · 02/06/2024 08:58

I can’t speak on behalf of everyone who has been bereaved but I really appreciated anyone who offered me condolences when my dad and then my mum died. I still remember their kindness, and in particular those I didn’t know too well, which made it even kinder.

You sound nice and thoughtful.

Tohellandbeyond · 02/06/2024 08:59

manysausages · 02/06/2024 08:58

I can’t speak on behalf of everyone who has been bereaved but I really appreciated anyone who offered me condolences when my dad and then my mum died. I still remember their kindness, and in particular those I didn’t know too well, which made it even kinder.

You sound nice and thoughtful.

Thank you for saying that and I am sorry to hear of your losses.

OP posts:
HcbSS · 02/06/2024 09:01

Ughhh another contender for the ‘I’m so offended’ Olympics. It’s no wonder office environments are so toxic nowadays.
Is she young by any chance?

BathTangle · 02/06/2024 09:09

I had a bizarre experience of this recently and was similarly baffled. DC were on a residential a few months ago and my DC mentioned to me on the 2nd day that a friend wasn't well enough to do one of the activities. I bumped into mum of friend and said that I was sorry to hear their DC wasn't well enough to do activity and hoped that they were getting better. Mum has blanked me ever since 🤷‍♀️ . DC and their dad are fine with me. I have just had to accept that some people have issues that I don't understand.

CelesteCunningham · 02/06/2024 09:33

I would assume she has some sort of ongoing health issues she's keeping private for whatever reason. She was worried Sarah had told you that, and doesn't realise Sarah implied it was something short term and run of the mill.

Laserwho · 02/06/2024 09:59

I think OP was offended for no reason. She asked OP how she knew she was ill. OP replied. Then she said she doesn't normally tell people she's ill. What's wrong with that? Why is OP so offended?

YourNimblePeachTraybake · 02/06/2024 10:06

Laserwho · 02/06/2024 09:59

I think OP was offended for no reason. She asked OP how she knew she was ill. OP replied. Then she said she doesn't normally tell people she's ill. What's wrong with that? Why is OP so offended?

Yes. It all sounds like a non- event.

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