Friend not invited

[HumphreyCushionintheHouse]

I’m having a big gathering tomorrow at my house, for my daughters sports team and all their parents.

DD was just invited to one of the team mates bday party next weekend. After receiving the invite, we also got a message saying “I hope none of the bday invitees talk about the invite tomorrow, because Renee hasn’t been invited’. Renee is one of the team mates and a good friend of my daughter.

Do you think the bday parent is hoping I tell my daughter to keep the party a secret? I’m not very comfortable about handling it like this and would hate to tell my DD to lie. Maybe tell her to not mention it,but also not lie. Ugh.

Don’t know how to word the AIBU.

Maybe
YABU to fuss about a little white lie
YANBU to tell ask DD to not mention it, but also not lie about it.

Happens so often.
I wouldn't let daughter take part in a secret party. Is only one girl excluded?

I think that the birthday parent is out of order and I would just ignore. I would be tempted to speak to the other parents of the 'invitees' and tell them that, but that is up to you.

When I was a teenager my friends and I defended people who had that kind of thing done to them and both DS are following in our footsteps. It wasn't always a comfortable stance to take.

This is not your problem. It’s the excluding parent’s problem. Telling your DD to lie would be setting a terrible example!

I’d reply saying “I’ve invited who I’ve invited and can’t control the conversation”.

Ok, thanks for the responses. Yes, I feel horrible about it, and I’m not going to tell my daughter to lie.

I don’t know who the other invitees are. The sports team are quite close, and parties usually include all the girls. Bday girl msg my DD with the invite. Then Bday Mum msg me individually, to let me know my DD was invited. Then sent this “Also she didn't invite Renee so I hope the girls don't talk about it tomorrow.”

I can’t believe this bday parent has done this, to be quite honest. She usually includes everyone.

*Renee is not the real name.

I'd assume all the other girls are invited if it's only 'Renee' she's concerned will hear about it.

I would first discuss it with my kid and see if they knew why Renee was excluded. (There may be a history there you don’t know about.) I would also ask my kid how they felt about this kind of behaviour. In an ideal world, I’d be convincing my kid to do something with Renee instead but as I said previously, there may be a reason.

This is so difficult. I ended up abandoning plans for my child’s birthday because she insisted on excluding a vulnerable girl in her peripheral friendship group who had mental health issues. There was no way this girl wouldn’t have found out she was excluded and my kid said she’d rather not have a party if i wanted to invite her.

On one hand I didn’t want my daughter forced to invite a girl who could often be angry and unpleasant, on the other hand I didn’t want to be responsible for piling more sadness and rejection onto this girl who clearly wasn’t coping. I never quite worked out what to do and the party idea was shelved. Luckily my daughter wasn’t too bothered.

It depends why Renee isn't invited.
In most cases the wishing to keep it a secret is to avoid hurting the left out children....and other parents tend to do this naturally. If she wanted to make a point she would just let you tell her.

I would message back asking why Renee wasn't invited and saying that it's unlikely to stay a secret for long anyway.

My reply to her message would be to ask why Renee isn't invited. I'd also say that you have no control over whatever conversations come up.
I'm not sure I'd be too happy with the mother because that's quite a nasty thing to exclude one child.

All the girls are between 11 - 13, and the bday girl was the one who has chosen to not invite Renee.

i looked at my DD ph, and she hasn’t received an invite. I asked Bday Mum not to send it to DD, I’ll tell her about the invite next week, not this weekend.

When I asked why Renee wasn’t invited, bday mum said bday girl didn’t want to invite her, and mum wasn’t going to push the situation.

I’d already RSVP yes to my DD attending, before finding out about Renee.

We are all on school break, so I’ll arrange something w Renee and my DD that they’ll enjoy.

It's the birthday girls choice who is invited to her party, not everyome likes everyone else and thats fine. But it might not even be as clear as not liking Renee it could just be numbers of children, I wouldn't invite all of the children in our children's clubs.we would need to accommodate 80 90 kids if they all accepted.

Isn't the mum just asking for some discretion from you and your daughter? Just ask your daughter not to bring up the party, that's all that's needed not all of the white lie discussions. If Renee asks outright then of course your daughter doemt have to lie.

In confused you said bday girl has messaged your daughter to invite her and then you have said your daughter hasn't been invited by bday girl yet only the mum has messaged you about the party and the exclusion of one girl ?

Sorry, yes that was confusing. The mum msg to say bday girl has forwarded the attached invite. But when I looked at my DD phone, she hasn’t received a txt/invite.

Maybe my DD is also excluded!

Yikes a bit of teenage drama going on.

I would just stay out of it, let the person causing the exclusion handle it, it will be good practice. She can invite who she wants to her party and maybe there is a good reason.

I wouldn't answer and wouldn't get involved. Not your problem.

DS is 6 and we are starting to get non whole class parties. I tell him not to bring it up as it might hurt feelings but if he’s asked if he’s going to Steven’s party, it’s ok to say yes. What is not ok is to proactively saying I’m invited to Steven’s party what you aren’t why???

Surely the same approach stands here- your DD shouldn’t bring it up but not lie if asked.

We’ve done this this year. There’s a girl in my DD’s friendship group (same age group) who has been mean to my DD on a number of occasions; my DD often comes home upset by something she’s said or done. She is adamant she doesn’t want to invite this girl to her birthday party this year, and I feel that’s her choice - why should she have to spend time with this girl at her birthday party if she makes her feel sad?

I doubt the other parents know what’s been going on the girl is often mean when others aren’t around, and my DD doesn’t make a big deal of things and just tells us when she gets home. So from the outside it will look like my DD is excluding her and being mean for no reason. The incidents actually got so frequent that we have spoken to her teacher who has been fantastic, but the girl’s parents haven’t been involved so even they won’t be aware.

If anyone asked we would not give the reason, so I’m not surprised the birthday girl’s parents didn’t tell you when you asked.

Not mentioning it is different to lying, I wouldn’t ask her to lie if asked, but the group not mentioning it would be kinder.

It sounds like your DD is getting a last minute invite as well.

I’m not sure why you’re organizing an outing for Renee to make up for not being invited to the party when you don’t even know what is going on between the girls.

She has not asked you to lie just not discuss and it’s not your issue so stay out of it. Yes you should not be asking your daughter to lie but you can tell her not to talk about it and stay out of it.

And if you choose to take a stand you can always change your RSVP to say no.

Her daughter is perfectly within her rights not to invite Renee if she has her reasons, and the fact the team are close as you said suggests something is going on with the girls that you are not privy to. Do you really want to deal with the drama of Renee finding out at your gathering?

Maybe the birthday girl doesn’t like Renee then? Just because she’s friends with your DD it doesn’t mean the birthday girl and Renee have to be friends. Let your DD decide if she wants to go or not.

You’ve no idea why she hadn’t been invited.

I once made my dd invite a child to one of her parties that she didn't want there because I felt it was mean to leave her out since she was in the same friend group as the other girls coming. As my dd predicted this girl spoilt the party and made it all about her, she was a drama queen. To this day several years on, my dd hasn't let me forget it and I wish I'd not invited her. Maybe there's a good reason the birthday girl doesn't want Renee there. Id just keep out of it and if anyone directly asks your dd about the situation tell her she can be honest, she shouldn't have to cover for adults.

I am so confused

How ridiculous, I’d reply and say it’s up to them who’s invited to their party but you’re not able to control the conversations that happen at yours.

The other mum is being weird to think this is ok to ask!

• OP- self + Betty’s mum
• Betty= OP’s daughter
• Sally =Betty’s friend having a party
• Renee = Betty and Sally’s friend who did not get an invite
• Veronica= Sally’s mum

• OP get’s a text from Veronica with a copy of the invite that Betty has gotten from Sally
• There is a meetup of the sports team Sally, Betty, and Renee are all on
• Veronica mentioned in the text that Renee was not invited to Sally’s party and hopes that it’s not discussed between the girls at the team meetup
• OP checked Betty’s phone and didn’t see the invite and presumably Betty hasn’t mentioned it
• OP has RSVP’d to Veronica on behalf of Betty
• OP is planning to take Betty and Renee out for a fun activity… because Renee hasn’t been invited