DH invites family around at the most annoying times

[laurenw1]

Honestly, my door is open to all of my friends and family, I love having them round but DH has got into the habit of inviting people round at the most annoying, inconvenient times!

Last night, I went to a friends for a takeaway and a girls night. DH said to me, don't worry about how late you are as he would get up with DD who's 14 months this morning and you can sleep in, perfect I thought. Came home at midnight, he wakes up and tells me he spoke to his brother at 10 and him and SIL are coming over about 8:30?!?! So I was up at 7 getting the house straight and having a shower etc. I couldn't lay in bed I would have felt really rude.

Tonight, I was really looking forward to having an early night of binging a series we've been watching. I bathed DD after her dinner at half 6, 7pm comes and it's FIL. DH forgot to tell me he told him to call in on his way back from somewhere he's been. So now DD is in bed and I'm sat on the sofa in between my DH and my FIL who has made himself comfy and probably won't leave until gone 10. We haven't even had dinner yet.

DH doesn't see an issue here, so please tell me if I'm being a bitch? 8:30 on a Saturday morning and 7pm on a Saturday night when we'd planned to have a rare few hours to ourselves.

This isn't the odd occasion either, I've asked him to stop doing it but he just doesn't see an issue. I don't want to be rude and ask people to leave.

It's not an issue for him because you keep going along with it.

Stop.

People arriving early? He sorts out DC and scuttles around making tea while you shut the bedroom door and go back to sleep (or read, or listen to a podcast, or whatever...)

People arrive at dinner time? Is he offering to cook for them, or is he hosting while you eat (or bath, or whatever) and then sorting his own dinner out later?

House is a bit of a mess? Oh well. If your visitors are upset they can clear up, or clear off. As long as you keep accommodating everyone else, your own needs will always come last.

Of course your DH doesn't see an issue as you always adapt to him.

From just what you posted:

So I was up at 7 getting the house straight and having a shower etc - Why? If the house needed to be tidied DH could have done it

I couldn't lay in bed I would have felt really rude - those are your feelings but have nothing to do with DH. If you'd stayed in bed, or even better told him and his guests to be quiet as you were sleeping he might have learned something

So now DD is in bed and I'm sat on the sofa in between my DH and my FIL who has made himself comfy and probably won't leave until gone 10 - why couldn't you tell FIL it wasn't convenient? Or that he needs to leave at a sensible time? Or that you have no dinner for him?

We haven't even had dinner yet - go and get dinner for yourself. DH and FIL are DH's problem.

Until DH experiences some consequences for his actions, why would he ever change?

Oh, and have a think about whether this is conveniently happening whenever you have some time to yourself - if it's a sort of passive-aggressive punishment for having the odd girls night out or lie in, whether he's doing it consciously or not, you need to make it clear that that's unacceptable.

"I've noticed that whenever you say stay up as late as you like, you invite guests round early the next morning. It feels like you're making it impossible for me to have that lie in, so please either tell me if me going out is bothering you, or try not to invite people round when one of us has a late night planned".

My DH would organise an 8.30 visit once but not a second time.
I am NOT a morning person, anyone who expects anything of me before 10am at the weekend is deluded.

I would leave your husband to do the entertaining - tidy up beforehand, make drinks & food for the visitors, etc because until you leave him to it he will continue to invite people round all the time
And with evening people I'd feed the family as planned, that's it.

nah, you’re not in the wrong for finding this infuriating but you’re absolutely wrong for facilitating it each and every time. Stay in bed, go upstairs and watch your show. How the family don’t also feel mortified turning up at those times is beyond me but since your DH and his relatives aren’t going to take the hint, you need to just be direct/ make him run around after them.

This is a you problem.
So I was up at 7 getting the house straight and having a shower etc. I couldn't lay in bed I would have felt really rude Why rude? Your DH was hosting and obviously felt the tidiness level was adequate.
Eat your meal when you want... I don't suppose FIL will mind.
Can't you put what you want on TV and the others can sit in another room or the garden if they don't want to watch your series?

My DH would organise an 8.30 visit once but not a second time

This. I always picture how my DM would have reacted, which would have included anything up to throwing plates.

Obvs I don't suggest you do that - and she regretted it as she had to buy the new plates - but if your DH hasn't noticed you are pissed off, then you are far far too nice about this.

Fuck. That.

Why would they even want to come over that early?

8am is far too early for visitors! Could you have stayed in bed?

I think there's a disconnect here - on the one hand you say that your door is open and on the other hand, you want DH to organise his visitors around you.

The key point here that they are DH's visitors -no requirement for you to do anything. If you'd had a friend round, would you expect DH to do more than say "hi" and then go off and do whatever he wanted?

The 8.30am meeting - it's too early for me as well. So I would have stayed in bed and let DH get on with it. You didn't need to clean the house or get up.

FIL coming round "Nice to see you FIL, we've not had dinner yet, so you'll have to excuse us while we eat". And after dinner go and do your own thing and let him talk to DH.

YANBU. My house is always open to friends and family too but those times are ridiculous. 8:30 am? Why so early? Who schedules anything for that time I less it's work (and only because one is getting paid to do it).

You have a toddler.

When your DH's visitors come round and it isn't suitable for you then don't tidy, don't get up if you are asleep, and don't make him and them food.

Concentrate on sorting out yourself and your toddler.

Your DH needs to learn that when he invited people round he needs to entertain including feeding and watering both them and himself.

What do you say when this happens?

Go and eat your dinner, and leave your DH and FIL to it.

This.

Yeah, we have a pretty open house as well. But as other posters have said, neither of us expects the other one to be leaping around as a result. You getting up early is ridiculous. But actually, I agree with a pp - this is a bit suspicious. If I had a late night, dh invited SIL over, he would have been horrified if I then was rushing around cleaning up steam.

Is he a people pleaser? When someone says they're coming round can he not bring himself to say no, so they've got used to the idea that they can call whenever it suits them? Is it mostly his family who arrive, and what's the family dynamic?

It's possible he's deliberately sabotaging your time, but only because you let him. Whatever the reason the first thing you need to do is grow a thicker skin. Stay in bed. Don't tidy up. I suspect you feel that if it isn't tidy it will reflect badly on you, not him. Learn not to care.

And ask him why he'd rather spend time with others than with you.

I would have stayed in bed and let him get up with DD and spend time with his brother and SIL. I would have left him to entertain FIL and made myself food and taken it upstairs to my bedroom and watched what I wanted. If he complains I would tell him to stop inviting people over without consulting me!

His guests he preps ...why didn't he tidy up last night, why didn't he cook or want food tonight.....?
I'd stay in bed and tonight I'd have got myself something or asked oh what he had planned then excused myself saying sorry I've been up since x as bil was here at 8 I'm off to bed.