To be fed up of “we had three under three”

[Pompleandprim]

From my parents if I ever mention how hard things are?

FWIW I have a disabled child. Sure he’s an only child but he’s disabled.

”We had three under three, imagine how hard it was for us!”

Yep you chose to have three with little age gap. I didn’t choose my child’s disability!!

I’m sure you have but if you haven’t for some reason, have you asked them what they’re meaning by that and why they’re trying to minimise yours and your child’s struggles?

“I know mum, what’s your point?”
”Dad, you keep bringing this up, why?”
“You chose to have us that close together, it’s a shame if you regret it but it’s not our fault”

How do you know they chose 3 under 3.

I'd just ignore them and not bother looking ti them for support unfortunately

Because they had three pregnancies that they chose to proceed with. It’s not difficult to understand surely?

That would annoy me too. I have 1 child and he's disabled too. He's wonderful and I wouldn't change him for the world but it's relentless. People don't seem to understand how hard it can be, as my child gets older things are likely to get harder not easier and he'll most likely need to live with us and have our care as an adult too so there'll be no him moving out as a teenager. That's absolutely fine with us but just one of those things others don't realise when they are trying to minimise your experience

Tbh I don’t think they really see my son’s difficulties. In a lovely way, in that they think he’s brilliant. But they assume his struggles are just “normal childhood struggles” and they aren’t. I will start gently reminding them that they made their decision though you’re right.

Presumably, they're not saying that it was acceptable for her father to rape her mother, so there would have been at least some element of choice both in the conception and the continuation of pregnancy for at least two children - assuming they didn't have spontaneous triplets following a visit from a bloke with wings and a big, shiny hoop floating over his head, that is.

Totally get this too. One of my siblings still lives at home and when I said something recently about my DC most likely needing to live with us long into adulthood they made that comparison too. But my older sibling living at home is a choice, not caring for a disabled adult child.

I had 2- 12 months apart, and in no bloody world would I ever think that’s harder than having a disabled child. So really whoever is saying that to you are just ridiculous!!

OP I don’t have this situation but I DO have a mum who tends to minimise any struggle I have and always tell me she had it worse… it’s tiresome isn’t it, and really dismissive. I generally respond with “it’s not a competition” and change the subject. It’s upsetting though when you just want a bit of sympathy and support. I think some people just don’t have much empathy or constantly feel the need to make out they’ve had everything harder than everyone else. They were probably lacking love in childhood or something…

Not necessarily. They may have not agreed with abortion

No. It's not as easy as that. It often isn't a choice for someone to abort.

They don't realise your son is disabled ? What condition does your son have then ?

It is a choice in the UK. Maybe not one you’d choose, but it is a choice.

They chose to have three children. And I also happen to know that they actively wanted to have those three children, and with as small an age gap as possible, but that’s not even relevant because even if they were accidental pregnancies, they still had a choice.

Of course they realise he is disabled, that’s not what I said. I said they don’t really see his difficulties, he has many strengths and they generally focus on how brilliant these are. I’m not stating his full list of conditions because they are very outing but it’s a complex range of neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities.

It sounds really annoying but maybe they're trying to relate to you in the parenting struggle? And generally people always think they had it harder, especially that generation for some reason.

I'd definitely say something though if it annoys you. 'I know it must have been hard with 3 under 3 but I'm dealing with something very different'.

this is why i get my support from groups on Facebook

both my kids have many disabilities each and some rare

I'm a lone 24/7carer(notice i said lone not single. single applies relationship status and dad is involved lone means doing it yourself)

and i mean 24/7 as neither sleep due to rare sleeping disorders
i also home educate

my oldest is 19 so their disabilities is nothing new but
I'm slowly recovering from a emotional(different from a nervous breakdown )(diagnosed dec 22) and struggling to deal with inattentive ADHD symptoms (only diagnosed at 42 April 23)

i gave up asking family for help or telling anyone how hard it is as no one gets it

but others on specific disabilities support groups understand

been a member for years and years on some
never met but daily input and people messaging me to see how I'm coping

there is a world of support out there you just need to look for it

There can't be many disabled children that are harder to look after than 3 under 3. (Done the latter; not done the former, but my much younger brother is very severely disabled - lives in residential home with carer now he's an adult, etc). I'm not sure why whether it's a choice or not comes into thing: just because it is a choice (and I think some PPs are taking a simplistic idea of what choice means) doesn't mean it's less work.

Genuinely surprised that you think having a disabled child is such a breeze tbh.

the fact that it’s a choice absolutely comes into it. Because it means they had one child and thought “yep, totally manageable, let’s do this again”. And then made that same decision AGAIN.

At no point did I decide to have a child with multiple complex disabilities. It’s why I haven’t gone on to have any more children - because it is not manageable. Certainly not as manegeable as those who chose to have multiple children.

Really?

I have a friend with four children, one has severe disablities. She's said before how looking after her one child with disabilities is harder than looking after the other four together. But then she has actually done both.

Put it this way - by the time me and my siblings were the age of my DC, we were able to wash ourselves, play with each other, brush our teeth, make a sandwich for lunch, make cereal for breakfast, take ourselves to the toilet, wipe our own bottoms, take our plates to the sink after a meal. Things my parents didn’t even have to think about anymore, it was completely off of their mental load at that point after about ten years of parenting.

I’m a very long way off of any of those things with my DC. Which means on top of managing all my DCs medical appointments, paperwork, administering his various medications at the right point throughout the day, I’m still having that mental load that they were well past by this stage.

Why does it matter which is more difficult? Its not a conpetition. All sorts of environmental and personality difference combine to make particular situation more or less difficult for different people. Sometimes a parent with one physically well, neurotypical child can struggle hugely, just because this is their situation doesn't mean tat parent doesn't deserve help.

What it does sound like, however, is that things are hard for you and you would like some support from your parents, either emotional or practical. So maybe focus on effective communication with them, on saying clearly if you are struggling and how they can help. Maybe they think by playing down the seriousness of your son's needs they are helping you to keep on going.

Hope ive explained this properly.

Sounds like they haven’t processed their decision to have 3 under 3.

Are you mentioning things are hard to them because you are looking for advice, or a listening supportive ear or both? As I’ve got older I’ve found one way to respond to this kind of thing is to be direct in what I’m trying to get from the conversation e.g. I’m finding things really hard right now, and I know you had tough parenting experiences too, but I’d really like somebody to listen to me, or I’m hoping you could give me some advice.

Could an approach like that work?

They sound crap. Are they any support at all?

I had three under three. It wasn't that hard. The needs of a disabled child are varied and complex so how anyone can justify comparing the two is weird. For the record several turned out to be autistic but as tots we just got on with it without knowing and life just seemed "normal" if hectic. It's downright rude to presume the tow are the same.

There's no need for anyone to dismiss how hard it is/was on both sides.