To expect you to save my marriage?

ManthaR · 2024-06-01T15:58:30+00:00

I need to vent. We have 2 young DCs with DH. Please tell me about your DHs. The good, the bad and the ugly. My does a lot of housework and doesn’t disappear for most of the weekends to do hobbies or to meet mates in the pub. Neither do I, I feel like I need to add that. I start to resent, though, that he doesn’t spend any quality time with the DC’s when at home. TV is the default whilst he is on his phone. Parenting styles and all that I get that. That’s why I’m asking you to share so I can either envy you and be even more resentful or think that I could have it worse. You might well save a marriage by sharing 😊.

OneAtATime · 01/06/2024 17:01

A lot of men didn’t see their dad’s spend a lot of time with them in 80/early 90s if they are now dads

my DH is seeing the error of these ways and trying spend more time with his dad and our DC now

Macandcheeese · 01/06/2024 17:12

Mine would also prefer to come in, sit down and put YouTube on when he gets home, because he's been at work all day. We're supposed to take turns to put the kids to bed, when its my turn it's very frequently a half arsed 'night' with his head in his phone screen when I take them up 🙄

Original poster

ManthaR · 01/06/2024 17:20

@Macandcheeese already feel a little bit better. And @OneAtATime it is nice to hear.

OP posts:

Elsewhere123 · 01/06/2024 17:23

Would he read a bedtime story.? My DH was brilliant at this but only once fed and had a bit of downtime to de-stress.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 01/06/2024 18:37

This is a really sad thread. Why are you all setting the bar so low? Would this parenting be good enough coming from a mum? I doubt it. So why the double standard? These dads are letting their kids down and their lack of engagement and interest will teach the children how little value they hold in the eyes of half their parents. That is terrible.

My DH has his faults but he would genuinely feel horrified by this thread. He has a very full on, well-paid job but when he gets home, weekends and holidays he’s as engaged and active with our kids as I am. Teaching them new skills, playing with them, interested in their lives and their thoughts. That is what a decent dad does. No excuses.

Edited to add, he also does the boring stuff; wiping bums, making meals, driving to activities. He’s an active parent not just a fun one. That’s important too.

nimski · 01/06/2024 19:01

DorotheaHomeAlone · 01/06/2024 18:37

This is a really sad thread. Why are you all setting the bar so low? Would this parenting be good enough coming from a mum? I doubt it. So why the double standard? These dads are letting their kids down and their lack of engagement and interest will teach the children how little value they hold in the eyes of half their parents. That is terrible.

My DH has his faults but he would genuinely feel horrified by this thread. He has a very full on, well-paid job but when he gets home, weekends and holidays he’s as engaged and active with our kids as I am. Teaching them new skills, playing with them, interested in their lives and their thoughts. That is what a decent dad does. No excuses.

Edited to add, he also does the boring stuff; wiping bums, making meals, driving to activities. He’s an active parent not just a fun one. That’s important too.

Edited

This!

MouseAnony · 01/06/2024 20:42

DorotheaHomeAlone · 01/06/2024 18:37

This is a really sad thread. Why are you all setting the bar so low? Would this parenting be good enough coming from a mum? I doubt it. So why the double standard? These dads are letting their kids down and their lack of engagement and interest will teach the children how little value they hold in the eyes of half their parents. That is terrible.

My DH has his faults but he would genuinely feel horrified by this thread. He has a very full on, well-paid job but when he gets home, weekends and holidays he’s as engaged and active with our kids as I am. Teaching them new skills, playing with them, interested in their lives and their thoughts. That is what a decent dad does. No excuses.

Edited to add, he also does the boring stuff; wiping bums, making meals, driving to activities. He’s an active parent not just a fun one. That’s important too.

Edited

Exactly

LindorDoubleChoc · 01/06/2024 20:49

YABU

Nocturna · 01/06/2024 20:57

Get your ducks in a row, LTB

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2024 21:05

What would he think if you spent all your time with them staring at your phone while they watched tv? Would that be good enough parenting?

DH works fully remotely, he’s up with the DC in the morning, we tend to alternate who gets up. He takes DD to school several times a week and picks her up when he can. We eat together with the baby unless he’s in a meeting.

He helps with homework, knows all their friends names, reads to them, cooks with them, takes them for walks, sings songs, tells jokes, crawls around on the floor, he’s grown some veg with them recently, he takes DD swimming, to parties, buys shoes, clothes and more imaginative toys than I do.

Psychologymam · 01/06/2024 21:14

He does sound very checked out! But you said he is good at the household tasks so it’s not just that he’s lazy! Does he know how to play with them? I know that can sound a bit silly but some men haven’t had that role model so potentially that’s something to explore? Does he see parenting as your job? Eg you do bedtime and I’ll clean house? Then there’s room for discussion and thinking about how to improve! In our house we tend to take turns doing things like bedtime but because my husband works long hours and I’m a sahm he normally does a bit more with them when he’s home so he gets to spend that quality time with them. He does all mornings as breastfeed at night - it’s working out a balance that’s fair to all including the kids because ignoring them to be in his phone isn’t okay.

Ciphermind · 01/06/2024 22:14

part of the issue is modern technology

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2024 22:29

Ciphermind · 01/06/2024 22:14

part of the issue is modern technology

Is it? We all have devices. It’s a choice to prioritise using them over interacting with any children we’ve chosen to bring into the world.

Ciphermind · 01/06/2024 23:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2024 22:29

Is it? We all have devices. It’s a choice to prioritise using them over interacting with any children we’ve chosen to bring into the world.

Show quote history

true, but its an easy method of escapism vs before modern tech

Shirtdress · 01/06/2024 23:55

What @DorotheaHomeAlone said. Are you actually expecting people to share stories of equally neglectful fathers/husbands to make you feel better yours is within the bounds of ‘Mn normal’?

MariaLuna · 02/06/2024 00:02

He helps with homework, knows all their friends names, reads to them, cooks with them, takes them for walks, sings songs, tells jokes, crawls around on the floor, he’s grown some veg with them recently, he takes DD swimming, to parties, buys shoes, clothes and more imaginative toys than I do.

He sounds fabulous! Where can I find one? LOL, joking. I'm the solo mum of an adult son, but must say this is the standard that men should be striving for if they want to become a father.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 02/06/2024 00:10

DH works extremely long hours. In between he does baths, bedtime stories, sports runs, science experiments, wipes tears, board games, listens to reading books, park, beach, museums… in short, everything I do. The only thing he doesn’t really do is food shop and cook, but I’m always home first during the week so it makes sense that I cook… and he is working hard to pick up more of the meal
prep at weekends since I told him I was thoroughly sick of it.

There are a LOT of shit husbands and Dads out there. Also a lot of amazing ones. Don’t set your bar so low.

Original poster

ManthaR · 02/06/2024 13:40

There is ten different ways how I could’ve written the post with various levels of detail. For half of them I would’ve mainly received LTB responses and for the other half that I’m controlling and hard work.

I was hoping there would be more people who would share how their set ups work, rather than just asking for advice which in general seems always polarised.

OP posts:

Pillowface1 · 02/06/2024 13:53

How about you tell him that it would mean a lot if he aimed for 10-15 minutes interaction with the children. Chatting or playing a game etc.
A timeframe might help guide him to do it.
As children grow up sometimes the interaction gets easier.
I wasn't a mother on the floor with my children, but I did my best.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2024 13:59

DH has taken mine to the park whilst i tidy the garage.

aModernClassic · 02/06/2024 14:30

My ex spent limited time with our DD. He was always working, or out for a run. I did most of the housework, taking DD to clubs, parties etc. When he left last year, he expected that our teenager would want to spend 50% of her time with him! But of course she didn't/doesn't. He didn't invest quality time with her when he lived with us, so in her eyes, why would she want to spend that much time with him now.
He's admitted that he should have done more. But it's too late for him.
My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship, and we're closer than ever.

goodkidsmaadhouse · 02/06/2024 14:38

ManthaR · 02/06/2024 13:40

There is ten different ways how I could’ve written the post with various levels of detail. For half of them I would’ve mainly received LTB responses and for the other half that I’m controlling and hard work.

I was hoping there would be more people who would share how their set ups work, rather than just asking for advice which in general seems always polarised.

The thing is that different happy couples will have different set ups because they’ve figured out what works for them. Are you happy? Is your husband happy? Is there a way that both your needs could be better met? (Realistically, there is almost always compromise in a marriage with young kids… but that doesn’t mean it should be one sided or that things can’t always be worked on and improved.)