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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Solo parenting or just alone?

9 replies

Girlgonemad · 01/06/2024 16:49

Never do this sort of thing but feel like I have no where else to vent.

For context, my partner and I have been together 12 years. Our oldest is 6 and youngest is 6 months. We have our own home and lived together for 11 years.

I love him dearly but he’s hard work. It’s like having a third child. He’s a chef so he’s never home. I’m not bothered about doing all the housework (I clean better anyway). He’ll sleep till 11 on his days off. Then have another nap about an hour later. I’ve never known someone to sleep as much.
Hes never had to do anything since our youngest was born. I only ask for help for doing things like the garden (I’m terrible at it) general maintenance I can’t do myself but it’s takes him weeks. It drives me mad.

Emotionally he’s not there for me. Parenting wise he does the opposite of what I try to do. His solution is to buy her off when she’s being difficult. I’m exhausted. He tries to have sex and I just can’t do it. Im so tired and drained but then he gets mad and sleeps downstairs. He also drinks beer every night and gets drunk most nights. It really puts me off.

im really low. I’m on mat leave, it’s lonely. Feel like a single parent. He’s only interested when it’s bedtime. I’m not the same person I was before. Feel like my 6 year old is now getting the brunt of it and I feel awful.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve brought this up to him many times and he’s good for a week but then goes back to being his old self.

I think he believes because I’m not at work, he shouldn’t have to do anything. I don’t get a break. I even have to ask permission to go for a bath when he gets home.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable just feel so alone. Feel like I’m better off on my own without having any expectations of someone.

Not sure is any of that makes sense I’m just having one of those I can’t hide it days.

OP posts:
Springadorable · 01/06/2024 21:09

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You're meant to be a team and he's not pulling his weight. Not only is he not pulling his weight, he's adding to your load!

stawbly · 01/06/2024 21:44

Ahh OP, unfortunately I have no advice, and it's not very helpful, but you're not alone! I feel a very similar way that you do. You're doing the hardest job in the world and you're doing fantastic, your babies will know who made the effort as they get older xx

PrueRamsay · 01/06/2024 21:46

It sounds like this relationship has run its course.

Girlgonemad · 01/06/2024 22:18

Thanks ☺️ think I just needed to know I’m not going crazy.
I hope they do even if I’m the strict and stressed out parent!

OP posts:
stawbly · 01/06/2024 22:23

Girlgonemad · 01/06/2024 22:18

Thanks ☺️ think I just needed to know I’m not going crazy.
I hope they do even if I’m the strict and stressed out parent!

They will, I promise! Everything you do is for them and you're making sacrifices for them daily. They may not see it now, but they will. I feel awful for my little boy because his father would rather sit with his head buried in his phone than engage in play with him for longer than a couple of minutes, but I'm finding some peace in knowing that even though I'm completely stressed and run ragged right now, one day he'll know that mummy always turned up and made the effort for him.
It was the exact same with me and my mum, too. We're best friends and even now, her and my little boy are partners in crime! You've got this mama x

Girlgonemad · 01/06/2024 22:53

stawbly · 01/06/2024 22:23

They will, I promise! Everything you do is for them and you're making sacrifices for them daily. They may not see it now, but they will. I feel awful for my little boy because his father would rather sit with his head buried in his phone than engage in play with him for longer than a couple of minutes, but I'm finding some peace in knowing that even though I'm completely stressed and run ragged right now, one day he'll know that mummy always turned up and made the effort for him.
It was the exact same with me and my mum, too. We're best friends and even now, her and my little boy are partners in crime! You've got this mama x

Aw mines is the exact same! And they just get over excited when he comes in so they can get a bit of attention for 5 minutes.
think I just got overwhelmed today! I’m usually on the ball.

Shes still shouts for me over him so I must be doing something right!

we’re in this together! X

OP posts:
stawbly · 02/06/2024 14:09

Girlgonemad · 01/06/2024 22:53

Aw mines is the exact same! And they just get over excited when he comes in so they can get a bit of attention for 5 minutes.
think I just got overwhelmed today! I’m usually on the ball.

Shes still shouts for me over him so I must be doing something right!

we’re in this together! X

You're allowed those days lovely, we all have them! Being a mum is so hard and anyone who says otherwise is just a liar.

Also, just so you know - if it seems like your kids would rather act up for you and not him, it's because of they're comfortable being vulnerable around you. The fact your girl shows preference for you proves that. Hope today treats you better xx

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 02/06/2024 16:15

Be very careful saying ‘I feel like a single parent’ on MN. Some people get a bit funny about it. Single parenting is a different kettle of fish. I’m not saying that what you are experiencing isn’t difficult, I know it is, but it’s not the same.
I was in a similar position where my H (now XH) did minimal effort at home, undermined a lot of my parenting and drank too much. I had a crunch moment when I wondered if he created more work for me than he contributed and I realised things did not go in his favour.
We did separate and I predominantly felt relief. The key thing about single parenting is it’s all on you. XH is reasonable with maintenance but I’ve only once asked him for extra money. He doesn’t have DD in the week (sensible in our circumstances but it means I do 80% overnights). There’s no-one to share decisions. Fear of losing my job or him losing his job is bad because I would struggle financially. I’m on a very tight budget.
I do not regret splitting from him. It’s easier to parent without him here. I can’t control how he parents at his house but she’s not there that much and she is becoming quite assertive. But I can’t pretend it’s easy.

DorothyStorm · 27/04/2025 08:14

Apologies. Somehow I've jumped on to the wrong post when trying to reply elsewhere!

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