Arguments - aibu for traffic -

[Flyhigher]

So, has anyone had family members who just keep picking and get on your case and keep digging and destroying you.

Teen has done it (she's currently a lot better)
Sister at it now. Dad died. But I can't take the bullying from her.

Husband sometimes. Currently he's ok.

Has anyone had this? How did you survive?

It's really affecting me badly.

How do you change the dynamic if it's got very toxic? Help.

Seems odd for that many people to have done it. What type of things are they saying or doing? Sounds like you need to introduce boundaries.

It is unusual everyone is doing it op. Can you explain more?

I think that either a) there are complex family relationships and perhaps historic family trauma at play here, and you’d all benefit from some sort of family therapy or b) you are the common denominator. Only you can work out which it is. Introspection might be a good thing here: are the arguments with all these people who have different relationships with you about the same sort of things?

It's very hard to give examples as it takes forever to write.

Sister jusr said she's going to sort out dad's headstone soon and Ned to get the wording.
It's buried in lots of probate what's apps. I say do you know where the wording is.
She then gets really nasty. Says you need to save it somewhere safe. I then go looking for it in the text. She's really vile. O am shaking with stress.

She says if I care I'd save it somewhere.

It was on a what's app with lots of other stuff.

It will take too long to explain.

Daughter goes ballistic if I ask a question on anything.

This all sounds innocuous. But if I video recorded it. You'd see I'm being bullied.

It's everything they want when they want it.
I have to jump and be perfect.

If I make any demand or question or request or even ask them to be polite.

I am shouted down. On everything. Big or small.

Unless I respond in 2 seconds. I am shouted at.

I really have introsoected. So I then tried to be kind and not dominate.

Now they just all bully me.

Sorry you’re having a tough time OP. You make it sounds like they don’t really like or respect you, and have lost patience with you.

Do you think there might be a case of mismatched personalities or abilities going on here? In the nicest possible way, your written communication on here is a bit confusing to read, and you make it sound like they are frustrated with you not knowing things. Do you think they see themselves as more intelligent or capable than you, and that could be feeding the dynamic?

It's very stressful. I think I am being bullied.
Unless you have been in this situation it's hard to explain fully.

It's like having four toxic friends but they are family.

I think maybe they all have a a bit of ADHD.

They are certainly unbelievably impatient.

They certainly think they are 100% right about everything.

I am given 5 seconds to respond to something complex. And if I don't. I get shouted at.

Ie daughter do my shorts look nice.
You look you say yes they do.
Anger.

Sister comes up with her wording for our dad's headstone, if you don't respond instantly agreeing with her.

Anger.

Always wanting last word.
Always needing to be right
No compromise
No kindness.
Being bullied by your family is very hard.

They don't like or respect me.

If you are being beaten down how do you respond?

I changed my tack trying to be argumentative hoping dynamic would change it just got me in a downtrodden disrespected place.

I should have just fought my corner harder.

That sounds horrible to have to deal with. Whatever the cause of the dynamic is, I find that when people don’t like or respect you the only thing to do is distance yourself and be independent. I realise that’s hard or impossible with family!

Do you provide any help or favours you can withdraw if they speak to you in an unpleasant way?

I've tried to be less argumentative. Got me nowhere.

It's beyond help now I think.

Raise your voice back not shout just be firm.
They think if you're quiet they can bully.

If your dad's recently died, emotions between you and your sister may well be a bit strained. If she is rude or nasty to you, just hang up on her if she's on the phone, or get your coat and go home if you're meeting in person. Practice standing up for yourself a bit - often people who are meek and mild are targets for bullies, who are made worse by the victim not standing up for themselves.

If your teenager is rude, tell her not to speak to you like that, and turn off the WiFi to her devices!

@Flyhigher It seems very strange that so many people are doing this.

Maybe you need to look inwards.

Teenagers are on hormonal roller coasters that make them unreasonable. The way to deal with them is by establishing firm boundaries and imposing strict discipline if they cross a line. Your daughter should never be allowed to shout at you, but the time to have established that boundary is in early childhood. Neither of my now adult children have ever shouted at me, because they were taught in early childhood that that was unacceptable. So, establish boundaries. Tell her the consequences the next time she shouts at you and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Empty threats accomplish nothing. For example, tell her today that the next time she shouts at you her phone will be taken away for 24 hours (or whatever punishment you deem fit.) The do it. The shouting will stop, I guarantee it.

Your sister is grieving, and may be temporarily unreasonable due to that. You are also grieving and may be reacting badly to her distress. If that is the problem, it will resolve as you move through the grief process. If she gets nasty with you in the meantime, establish a boundary and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Tell her calmly that you will respond to her when she is ready to treat you with respect and don't respond until she acts decently and apologizes.

These people make you a victim because you let them. The answer is boundaries and discipline, boundaries and discipline, boundaries and discipline.

I have. I am not perfect. But honestly this amount of bullying is just not ok. It's like I'm a conduit for everyone's stress. It's ok to bash me to get their stresses out.

It's not quite as easy as that.
We are going through probate.
It's VERY stressful.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. The thing is, it IS as easy as LifeExperience says for those of us who have established boundaries.

You can't change other people, only yourself. So maybe some therapy to help you identify and enact the boundaries you need could be helpful.

I'd suggest your teen is copying others in their treatment towards you.
You need to focus on stopping the others. Be blunt, perhaps walk away, stop responding to their requests at all. If they can't speak to you civilly - don't respond. See how long it takes them to catch on.