I feel part guilty, but I have no intention to change right now. I don't know how to feel.
Background of my life journey and then the current situation we find ourselves in as a family.
I came from a highly dysfunctional family (alcoholism, neglect, bankruptcy, conflict, no guidance, no discipline - just feral).
Despite it all and the challenges I later faced (maintaining friendships, relationships, anxiety, not finding a job, being highly emotional and vulnerable, people taking advantage of me).... I preserved and around the age of 25 little by little things started to fall into place.
Firstly I stopped letting manipulators in, I toughened up so people wouldn't take advantage anymore. I made 2 close genuine friends who I later moved to london with, this shortly before turning 26.
Just ahead of that, at 25, through desperation, I took on an unpaid internship, whilst living at the once family home we still had. Embarrassed as I was, it kick started my career and I could move out when the salary kicked in.
Shortly after moving to london I met my now DH, the first person to love me for me, he saw an inner confidence I probably never had before. From there everything improved. He gave me confidence to keep pushing in my career and I'm now very successful and financially comfortable, he is the same. We are home owners, have DC2 on the way.
Life is very busy and I don't have a huge amount of capacity for much else other than my own little family, work, sleep....
However, my immediate family remains FULL of problems. I tried for years to play 'mum' where my own was useless, violent and drunk. I did food shopping, cooking, including multiple Christmas dinners - even when I was really unwell a few Christmas days in a row, I even still did the Christmas cooking when I was living in london and with DH. I didn't want to let my family down somehow. Yet, they were all so ungrateful. Wouldn't even put their plates in the dishwasher! Left it to me. Didn't turn up with presents. Would eat and go sit in another room. My Dad once asked me where the wine was with the starter (yes I did starters on Christmas Day) and was annoyed I forgot. I was fuming!
My Dad wasn't innocent during our many years of family problems and was a bully, very responsible for my mothers demise and he was a con artist business man full of legal problems and sucked my brother into the 'family ' business aka life long problems.
As it stands, my younger sister is in a lot of debt and expects me to put her up every time her latest relationship fails. She was so disrespectful to me last time she moved in for 5 weeks (I paid for all her groceries which she added to the food shop each week, plus any takeaway we had we included her, she didn't pay rent, she came in on zero sleep on the weekends and slobbed around all day, she treated me like a live in therapist when I was pregnant, shouted at me when I didn't pander to her, started to get so comfortable she invited her friends over).
After years of her calling me sobbing about her failed relationships and money problems, she started hinting about moving back in because she has no money to rent and her bf isn't asking her, I drew the line and don't bother with her anymore, I'm very short when she makes contact and don't give her a date to meet when she asks, just say I will check. She has taken the hint but when we do speak she says she is stressed and unhappy. I don't ask! She pays no rent as she's moved to the old family home my Dad used to live in alone (he's been in hospital since December) and yet told me she hasn't paid off a penny of her debt. In a year! She's in so much debt. Yet she works full time. I'm not bailing her out to live with me again. She is old enough to sort her life out.
My brother I feel sorry for, I have done now solidly for just shy of 20 years. However the guilt was eating me up and I decided a few years ago that he doesn't want pity, I can't change his life and I need to her on with mine. Sadly, He never got to experience life. Just sucked in by my dad and chewed up and spat out, he's been left with the company debts of hundred of thousands of pounds he needs to pay off. Never had a partner, comfort eats, drinks, smokes and has no social skills (quite aggressive and over talks people). He asked to borrow money as I offered when I heard how stressed he was with money.
We don't speak often but yesterday he called me out the blue at work then messaged to say he could pay me back as he sold the old office. I didn't pick up as I was at work.
From work I left for a very rare night out with friends, so didn't get a chance to go back to him. When I was on the way to the restaurant I was actually feeling quite happy! Despite being pregnant, working 5 days and having a toddler, I wasn't exhausted come evening, or unwell or stressed. I was feeling accomplished from my day and looking forward to seeing friends.
Then my phone rang, it was a landline and it was gone 7pm, I wondered if it was the restaurant for somehow. As I answered it was my brother.... I felt so embarrassed as I'd missed his calls earlier, not gotten round yet to messaged him back and he'd caught me on a random landline number...I apologised and said I was going to go back to him.
I know it sounds selfish but it ruined my night. It's so rare I go out and feel up to it and even that I don't cancel. I wouldn't have picked up of i knew it was any of my family... We spoke for 15 mins and I only ended the call because I arrived at said restaurant. It as draining. He is so unhappy and has so many problems. He was listing out all the debt they're in, all the loans taken, all the repayments, all the stress with mum, what the company is making, what it owes out etc etc. he doesn't deserve it and he has no one. I just didn't have mental capacity for it. Deep down I know I don't do enough to support him so maybe I get defensive in my head because I know I'm being a coward burying my head in the sand and feel anxious when I can't do that. Ie when he calls and is so unhappy.
My mum also called me last on bank holiday Monday. She left a voicemail but I've not listened to it. She's never been a mum to me, met my toddler once in his 20 month life. She sends toe curling messages and voicemails out the blue from time to time pretending we have a close knit bond in a very fake voice and I just don't need her. I've never had a mum so I've not called her back. The things she did to all of us as teens and young adults was terrible and my eldest brother doesn't let her see his kids either. I've grieved for her my entire life and I made me peace not having a mum, despite it all being brought to the surface when I had DS and watched everyone else's mums support them whilst mine didn't even send a card.
I feel like my sister is on borrowed time In whatever relationship she's in. She is in debt. Can't rent. Is waiting for her bf to ask her to move in but fails to see that her financial situation is not desirable and he won't ask her anytime soon. If they break up, guess who will take the burden of the years and have someone at their front door again.
I feel at times guilty for shutting them all out but I've had enough. I've built my own life and I just have a wall up against them now.
ABU and selfish?