Social anxiety and relative

[HateWorkingFulltime]

I feel awful asking this question, but it’s bugging me, so here goes.

I need someone to explain how social anxiety works, because I don’t want to be U about this situation.

We have a close relative that has social anxiety. Of course, we all support her because anxiety is awful. I have had it in the past, and it’s crippling.

Our relative constantly drops out of invites, usually at the last minute, then later says it was due to anxiety. Of course, we always include her, and her DH and DC, but sometimes we end up footing the bill.

So, for example I booked theatre tickets for a group of 6, relative and DH dropped out at the eleventh hour and so the tickets were wasted. She’s not offered me the money, and I feel crap asking, due to her condition.

Here’s my issue. My relative has a very active SM and she posts loads of things on it. I don’t think she realises how much she’s on it. So, she constantly cancels on us, and other family members, but the next night she’s throwing or attending dinner at a friend's, or she’s at a concert, or away with friends on a girls weekend away.

We are confused. Some of our relatives are upset as they’ve missed special occasions, and then they are seen on FB posting out having a great time.

AIBU to question this, or is social anxiety not an all or nothing thing?

As mentioned, I had terrible anxiety on and off myself, and it’s shit, but I did have coping and exit strategies when I went out and about.

Stop paying for tickets for a starter. And accept that your relative prefers seeing her friends to fwmily.

I think the social anxiety is selective!
Don’t pander to her.

I’d manage that by not paying for anything unless she gives money beforehand. Also why not ask her, in a gentle way why some events she can manage and some she can’t to see if there’s anything that can be done to help

The social anxiety is irrelevant here, if she’s asked you to book her tickets and she drops out for whatever reason then she should be paying for the tickets.

Stop inviting her.

You can choose your friends, you can't choose your family. She clearly prefers her friends. It doesn't sound like anxiety is the cause of the issue.

It can be hard for relatives to accept that other relatives don't have to like their company just because they're related. Take the hint.

I have social anxiety (or possibly ASD, I’m awaiting assessment) and I wouldn’t behave in this way, buts that’s me, others may be different. For me my social anxiety is always there, it’s not selective/situational. My anxiety is such that I also can’t post on SM either as that makes me anxious!

I don’t cancel plans as I generally wouldn’t accept an invite or commit to an event I didn’t feel sure I’d be able to manage. I think it’s very poor behaviour to expect you to pay for their wasted theatre tickets.

Always a bad idea to pay for others unless you can be absolutely sure they'll pay what they owe, regardless of whether they show up or not.

I'd also stop the invites. Whether she's got anxiety or not is not the issue. She's choosing what she wants to do so you do likewise

I do this to people. Sometimes it’s just total overwhelm to go and see someone. Other times you can steel yourself and make yourself go out. Having a few days in a row with social events can be too much, so you have to cancel certain ones just to get through. Interaction generally can be exhausting because you get nervous about it for hours or even a few days beforehand, then actually meet the person and have to mask happy sociable conversation, and when you get home you’re just done. She might be cancelling on her “safest” people. It’s pretty crippling

Then don't overbook yourself. It's really rude to do that.

I know that I won't fancy going out two days on a run, so I don't say yes to both invites.

OP - honestly she's taking the mickey. If you want to invite her to the theatre etc, make sure she pays you for the tickets before you buy them.

I wouldn’t buy tickets in advance for her and her DH again. She has to buy their tickets. Then it’s her own money she’s wasting if she decides she can’t go.

@theeyeofdoe I'm the same.

I really have to pace myself socially. Work takes a lot out of me and I just know that several social events fairly close together just isn't doable for me. So, I don't overbook. I don't accept invites unless I'm confident in myself I will follow through. And if anyone paid for a ticket for me in advance, I'd reimburse even if something like sudden illness stopped me going.

Social anxiety isn't a free pass to treat others badly. You deserve better OP. Stop buying tickets, stop the invites and stick to people who value you.

Stop paying for her, or just stop inviting her. It's her own responsibility to manage her condition so that other people aren't out of pocket or incommoded in serious ways.

Yeah she’s obviously full of shit. It’s like saying certain magical words can act as get out of jail free cards for shit behaviour. Obviously genuine anxiety needs genuine care and sensitivity - but this isn’t genuine is it? Respond accordingly.

The problem is today people like the label and feel it justifies their behaviour so everyone else has to put up with it. She clearly does not have social anxiety and just couldn't be bothered. Ask her for the money back and actually point out that she has been out on other occasions.
Everyone seems to have 'something' these days when it seems like most of it is BS.

Perhaps next time you could something to her like, 'It would be lovely to see you if you can make it, but we know you're not always up to socialising, so we don't want to put any pressure on you. We'll leave you to get your own tickets if you decide to come.' If she then says she'll come, please get her tickets, say you'll need the money up front as you're having a difficult month.

It can be quite specific.

I know someone who has it.

They'd struggle with large groups of people but do have people round to dinner/go out to dinner other people's houses for dinner.

So for her it's about the numbers of people.

So you know you do this when you overbook, and you still do it??
What a selfish person you are, I hope you are reimbursing people.

Social anxiety isn’t necessarily an all or nothing thing, no.

Certain people will be more familiar, as will certain places and events, so they will feel more comfortable and less anxious then.

In your case, I would stop paying for stuff. Invite her along, but express she needs to buy her own tickets, and expect her not to come.

I agree, it’s just not on to continue to pay for things when she decides she can’t face an outing.

If she prefers her friends, that’s perfectly fine with me. She’s not under any obligation to go out with us.

When invited, it’s a very enthusiastic yes, so not sure what’s going on there.

She drops out all the time whether it’s a small, medium, or large group, inside or out, all types of socialising and so I don’t think it’s that.

Also, after SHE drops out, she calls up other relatives and says she’s upset she dropped out, and we are all meant to feel sorry for her. THIS I’m not pandering to.

After reading this thread I think maybe she over commits herself, or hedges her bets, and then has too much on her plate. Her social life is still much better than mine, even with the drop outs. Out of everyone I know, I think she has the best social life judging by her SM and also in person she’s always going on about what she’s been doing and we are all like “hmm OK”.

I just don’t get it.

I’m not paying for anything anymore and reducing the amount of time I arrange things.

Social anxiety is irrational and therefore it doesn't really play out the same everyone so I wouldn't judge

She 100% needs to be paying though. Never ever pay again unless she sends money in advance.

This wouldn't happen more than once to someone with boundaries.
NEVER involve her in ANYTHING that costs a penny.
Just because she has social anxiety does not allow her to be inconsiderate.
Stop indulging her in any way.
Asking for the cost of the 6 tickets is completely reasonable.
At the very least she must pre pay for ANYTHING going forward.
At least then it is HER money she is wasting.

What do you if someone has bought tickets like OP has?

I am diagnosed with social anxiety, I only go out when I have to and do not go to social gatherings no matter who it is hosting them, I also don't have friends outside my husband and immediate family I only interact with people I have to speak to which at the moment is my obstetrician, mental health midwife and diabetes doctor, I have to have my husband or sister with me for these, I avoid shops and such and order everything I need online to avoid social interaction, it is honestly crippling and wish more people would understand it, I have seen a psychiatrist and she thinks I may be on the spectrum aswell which social anxiety can be a part of, with social anxiety I have 'safe' people which is my husband and my sister anyone else I am very uncomfortable around and i know if I have to see someone I worry about it for weeks maybe your relative is the same and tries to go along with it and then gets too scared at the last minute? Although if it were me I would not say yes to such invites in the first place, sorry for the essay I am just trying to explain as someone who has this condition

Social anxiety my arse!