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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed the DH is still using dating sites

31 replies

notunderothername · 06/04/2008 12:11

After a rocky patch where I found that DH was using dating sites and had online and telephone and real affairs he promised not to continue. Things improved but now I have found he is using them again. Am I wrong for feeling that he will never stop?

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 06/04/2008 12:12

i don't think you are wrong unfortunately

have you spoken to him about it?

it sounds compulsive

Original poster
notunderothername · 06/04/2008 12:14

Yes and we even went to relate. But now he just gets angry everytime I say anything at all about it, sulks and tells me I'm the one with the problem. I am wondering if I should take control here, or if that is over the top

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 06/04/2008 12:16

you know YOU aren't the one with the problem if HE is the one looking at the sites

i would take control - not over the top at all

sulking indicates defensive and is very childish - how on earth can you work through any issues if he won't talk

Original poster
notunderothername · 06/04/2008 12:19

It's so annoying that he can't use the internet without gawping at, contacting other women. I could really scream.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 06/04/2008 12:20

YANBU

hecate · 06/04/2008 12:21

Of course not. But the question is, what are you going to do about it???

NYC6723 · 06/04/2008 12:23

OMG... he sounds like a total ass.. if you don't leave him you will continue to find heartache

Original poster
notunderothername · 06/04/2008 12:58

Well tbh I have tried as much as I can think of during the past year, like I said including going to relate. But I guess the fact that he is still doing this just shows he won't stop.
There is really only one option left which is to leave, I just have to pluck up the courage

OP posts:
DJCod · 06/04/2008 12:59

for gods sake take a relaity check he iwll never stop

VictorianSqualor · 06/04/2008 13:00

What Rbuy and Hecate have said.

It's his issues, but you're going to have to deal with it.
Have you offered him an ultimatum? If so I think it's time to act upon it.
Sorry it's not nicer advice.

nkf · 06/04/2008 13:02

You can live with it or you can leave. If he won't talk about it then those are your options. Not easy I know and I wish you well.

Lulumama · 06/04/2008 13:03

most marraiges are based on the fact that you don't date other people

or if you do it is with the explicit consent of the other spouse

but here, he is defying you and risking his marriage and family for flings.

if after relate he still cannot get that this is wrong, not least becasue it hurts you,then i am not sure you have a future

OverMyDeadBody · 06/04/2008 13:04

You're not wrong, he will never stop, and you can't make him stop, but I guess you already know that.

I think your only options are to either accept this situation, or leave. Easier said than done I know.

ShakeysGirl · 06/04/2008 13:05

Dp used to have a problem with dating sites and chat lines. He used them alot before we got together and just used them out of habit. I used to get so hurt and upset by it and eventually said i'd leave him if it didn't stop. This was 6 months ago, i've caught him (by checking the history) twice looking at his mail box on a dating site. He couldn't resist seeing if anyone had messaged him but we have now sat down together and deleted all his accounts and the temptation is gone. I still check up on him tho.

mumblesmummy · 06/04/2008 16:24

Oh my word. If my DP was using dating sites, I'd leave him!! That is so disrespectful and horrible, and I'm surprised you're not more shocked and upset- though I assume it's because you're used to it? You deserve so much better than that!!! You need to tell him straight that you're not going to put up with it and if he has a strop and says it's your fault, you know it's not, so stand up to him and get even angrier!! You are totally in the right. He is totally in the wrong. He should have more respect for his wife.

MrsMattie · 06/04/2008 16:27

What Lulamamma said.

sarah76 · 06/04/2008 19:20

YANBU.

I went through nearly the same thing with my XH, in the sense that HE had a problem, but kept saying the problem was me. In our situation, he doesn't like sex, so instead of admitting it and trying to figure out what we could do, he told me I was a "nympho" and had a problem. I felt terrible for ages until we went to Relate and he admitted he made me feel bad on purpose as a way of getting me to back off. That's what your DH is doing--trying to get you to back off, while continuing his behaviour. Don't let him. Tell him either it stops for good or it's over.

Original poster
notunderothername · 07/04/2008 10:21

I have read your posts guys and feel better that it's not in my head. Thank you. I had got to the point where I was wondering if it was me being unreasonable.
I really don't mind if he chats with people online. But this takes the p*ss. It's not me being a control freak about who he talks to.
I'm taking the bull by the horns tonight and have my leaving plan ready when needed.

I won't do it but I would love to put up a warning about him on the sites he uses.

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 07/04/2008 11:12

Good Luck.
There is a huge difference between talking to 'people' online and using dating sites/flirting.

Original poster
notunderothername · 07/04/2008 16:00

I had a little look about and have replied to some of his adverts just to start with

OP posts:
Lulumama · 07/04/2008 16:02

are his adverts looking for 'friendship' or more? be prepared for the worst. just in case. you need to think carefully about what you will do with the information you find

Divastrop · 07/04/2008 16:07

instead of warning others about him why not join some dating sites yourself and meet some new men?
or maybe you have morals and would only do that if you were single.unlike your dh it seems.
simple-tell him if he wants to behave like a single bloke,then he can piss off and be a single bloke.
you have tried everything,he is not going to change.move on.

Original poster
notunderothername · 07/04/2008 16:07

Well I didn't see friendship on the profile

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 07/04/2008 16:08

Please think twice about 'playing games' - whatever he is , you are an adult and really don't need to.

If you say that you are going to leave, and then don't, without a very good reason, you could be giving him the message that this kind of behaviour is aceptable to you.

I wish you well whatever happens

VeniVidiVickiQV · 07/04/2008 16:11

He has behaviour shows in the past that he clearly has issues committing entirely to you.

This is now further displayed by the fact that he is unwilling to change his ways in order to salvage your relationship and respect you enough not to do it.

Why is it you have to leave? Can you not just dump his bags on the doorstep?

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