Mil commenting on my weight

[lucya66]

Generally get on with MIL as I try to take what she says with a pinch of salt and think the best of her. But she is an insecure woman about many things and has shared her mum used to call her overweight which has led to food issues and also thinking she is overweight herself (she’s not).

she has always mentioned food to me like “oh are you going to have a pudding?” And I don’t think she means anything nasty, I just think she will only have one if I do. If I don’t have a pudding she won’t! I don’t really have a complex about my weight myself. I’m size 12 and happy and who cares.

anyway since I’ve had a baby it’s got a lot worse. I did gain almost 30 lbs. Which I Only worked it out as she asked me how much I gained.

But everytime she sees me she comments on my weight without fail as soon as I see her. She says compliments like “oh you’ve lost weight” “you’re looking trim” “you would never know you’d just given birth.” And I have weighed myself a bit and I’m back to about ish my pre birth weight (give or take half a stone lol but who’s counting). But anyway I want to ask her to stop commenting on my weight. I don’t think it’s healthy for me and I don’t want my new dd to hear comments like that as she’s growing up. It’s also got to be too many times for me to keep taking with a pinch of salt.

i explained to dh and he understands but asked me not to say anything and just put up with the comments. He reckons his mum is so deeply insecure about herself/weight that if I say something the comments will stop but she’ll always hold it against me that I called her out on it. He said it’s not worth it as she will have her feathers all ruffled about her biggest issue.

It’s just really starting to grate on me that she beings it up. I know she thinks she’s being nice but it’s making me think about my weight when I shouldn’t be.

YABU - don’t tell her to stop if it’s going to cause a rift with a deeply insecure mil
YANBU - gently ask her to stop commenting on my weight (and any language I could use?)

I don’t want to fall out with her but dh is right and she is the type to in 5 years time still be saying “I won’t comment on your weight” or something like that.

Err sorry but DH should say something, it’s his mum. Something should be said, if he says it she’s less likely to say in front of you ‘I won’t comment on your weight’ as he said it. He should explain its rude but not mention you have asked for him to say anything. That’s what I would do.

DH needs to speak to her - because this will continue and in a few years your DC will be able to understand what she’s saying. We had a similar situation with certain foods - MIL used to suggest not having too much of them because(various reasons), and these were healthy foods, certain veg and fruit, not chocolate. I realised that she was saying this in front of DC and I insisted DH deal with it, which he did.

My MIL would do this, every single time I changed the subject and she eventually got the message. I've also said in general chat how commenting on people weight even in a 'positive' sense is inappropriate.

Blame the child. Just raise a general conversation about how you are raising your daughter to be healthy and body positive without thinking about her weight and food choices. And that you want her to understand women are more than their looks.

Hopefully, she will get the message. I do think it’s a generational thing; women were praised for dainty appetites and being tiny and keeping their figures. It was probably more important when the best you could hope for was to secure a good marriage. Now women have fuller lives we don’t need to rely on our looks as much and being constantly complimented on your looks can feel quite derogatory (we have so much more to offer and so much more we’ve achieved).

Anyway, rant over, MIL is being kind and saying what she would have wanted to hear. She just needs bringing up to date.

OK well your husband has declined to ask nicely so you can feel free to say to MIL something like 'I don't like that you comment on my weight so please can you stop' and that should be an end to it and if not then you can fade yourself out. This might mean baby is not so often taken to see MIL but oh well.

My mum also had food/weights issues and would talk about weight as tho it's significant. She was very negative about overweight people.

You need to educate your dh on damage body image issues can cause.

Maybe google some relevant research for him to read. Explain you don't want your dd to be conscious of weight in a negative way . Ask him to speak to his mum tactfully but be clear if he doesn't you will.

If she continues to do so you will have to pull her up every time. Hopefully by time your dc are old enough to be aware it will be nipped in bud.

You don't need dh's permission to tell mil to stop mentioning YOUR weight. Just tell her body shaming isn't appropriate in front of an impressionable dc...
My mil once told me I wasn't back to my pre baby weight. 2 weeks pp in size 8 jeans... She was obsessed with toilet habits. Odd bloody woman.

She is out of order and so is your husband - and of the 2 of them, I’d be pretty ticked off about DH - how dare he think that you are supposed to suck up his mum making unwanted personal comments?

Why are his mother’s feelings more important than yours?