Friend trouble dd

[Chickencuddle]

My dd starts high-school soon and will be going to same High school as best friend. Best friend has been telling dd about her cousin who will also be going to same High school (same year too) and telling dd that her cousin hates her and thinks she's a little rat and that she's going to punch her face in if she ever sees her in high school. Then said to dd look at these messages she sent me. And showed here a message saying something like (my child's name) is a rat don't talk to her ever again she's disgusting I hate her etc etc.
She came home upset and dreading high school doesn't understand why this girl doesn't like her seeing as they've only met once years ago.
So I messaged dds best friends mum saying Jyst to make you aware what's being said etc etc and she spoke to her daughter about it and checked messages. She saw the mean message but there were no messages from her dd. But she checked deleted messages and they were there. She had messaged her cousin saying my dd had called her a fat pig etc. She told her mum it wasn't true she just wanted to see what her cousin thought of dd and told her mum dd wanted her to write it. My dd had no idea about the message her friend had sent and the message was sent when my dd and her friend were not even together and hadn't spoken to each other all day. Friends mum basically said she told her dd not to pass on what's being said to my dd. But it doesn't stop the problem. The problem is still there. Dd is very scared about going to high school now and I'm annoyed that nothing more has been said. Or done. Aibu.

Anyone?

I'd contact the cousins mum also and have a chat with all 3 of them with the grown ups in the room.

Set some ground rules and clear up misconceptions.

8 don't have her number or anything but obviously dds friends mum does. Her best friends mum is one of my closest friends. If it was reversed the first thing I would have done was phone the cousins mum and got it sorted.

Then I would ask for it. If she's your best friend she should be worried about your daughter too.

I’d message your friend and ask for the cousins mums number. If she won’t give it to you id try to find her on FB or something. Your poor dd, as if she needs this hanging over her till sept.

Thanks everyone. I also want to teach my dd how to overcome or deal with this kind of thing when I'm not there as I'm sure she will encounter more of this in school.

Do you really want your daughter to have a friend like this? she's causing trouble for your daughter, sending messages telling lies to her cousin, stirring things up. She sounds a nasty, spiteful girl.
I would encourage my daughter to find new friends.

Nearly the exact same situation happened when my niece was starting senior school last year. A 'friends' sister was threatening to beat her up etc so she was terrified about starting school. My sister ended up speaking to the mum which didn't actually go well (the mum was vile) however she did manage to contact the school a couple of days before school started as the headteacher was in and they managed to sort the situation.

I agree with others that this girl is not your Daughter's friend. I think whether your friend the mum helps you sort it out is telling of whether You both need new friends.

It might help her focus her mind on things if you tell her that if it can't be sorted informally then you'll have to discuss it with the school. I'm sad for you that your so called friend hasn't helped you sort it already.

I've been thinking about it and the mum of this girl I know of and I don't think she would take it well I think it would be more likely to escalate the situation. However I think I may speak to the school as parents do get a meeting before the start I thikk or just after the start of school.

Can you speak to their current teacher? That’s what I would do.

The girl who said these things isn't in their school.

What I would do is encourage your daughter to hang out with other kids. Are any others in her class going to the same secondary? Arrange activities/playdates with them. Then focus on induction day and encourage her to talk to the people in her form , maybe exchange phone numbers(if that's something you are happy with) and arrange some meet ups over the summer.

I'd also talk to her primary and request if possible, when they do hand over to ask that they are not in the same form.

In terms of if reassurance, remind her highschool is big. There are 6/7/8 forms, all with different lessons and sometimes even split in half. If not in the same form, it's actually quite unlikely she'll bump into them , unless she actually wants to.

This might seem nuclear to you, but this friendship is toxic, kinda dead in the water and the friend is not actually a good friend. Best thing for your DD now would be to have a fresh start. No need for drama or a massive falling out , just keep her busy and change her circle of friends.

I think doing that would be more harmful. This friend is her best friend in the world. They are in and out of each other's houses constantly and have been best friends since age of 3. They are like sisters and do everything together. I don't think I could cut off that friendship after one thing. This best friend has been there for her always and she is the same to her. So if they are ever upset about anything the other always looks out for them. They have never really fallen out ever. And this girl has just recently got a phone and I think it's alot easier to say things over the phone via message. Also this girl does love a bit of drama and I think she's done this without really understanding the effect it could have. They are all learning and I think if it carried on or something else happened id have to look at the friendship but I wouldn't cut off her best friend after one mishap. Especially after everything they've been through together. They really use each other as a support and always want to be together. She was so scared they wouldn't get into same school and is now so scared they won't be in the same form.

At least look at expanding her circle.

Hopefully this is just a blip, but if it's not your DD needs to have a circle that will be there for her when/if things go tits up, especially since you can't control what the cousin will do. You're putting too much faith in an 11 yo's loyalty.

I've been through this myself with DD already. The world didn't end, her new friends are so much nicer and she is a lot happier.

Sounds like the cousin is jealous and feels threatened by their friendship, especially now that they're all going to be in the same school. So she's rocking the boat, it would suit her if they fell out as she will have her cousin/friend/support to herself. In my experience, everything changed in year 7. My son is coming towards the end of year 7, and his friendships have changed massively. He's no longer even friends with his best friend from primary. In fact, there's been an awful lot of problems between them. 2 boys he talks about now as his friends have come from different schools. Maybe it is an idea to speak to the other child's mother. It's an anxious time for them all. I have spoken to parents about issues with my son and 2 friends. Luckily, we are all on the same page and are working together.

My DD is the same age as yours- it's such a funny time as they are getting ready to move up to the next school isn't it. Our class has had phone dramas this year- they are getting used to navigating the really tricky grown up way of communicating- and they get it wrong at times. I do feel your DD best friend has shown a nasty streak though, and her mum too, if she is a friend especially- I would expect a robust addressing of this. The best friend seems to be enjoying the crossing of her two worlds- so she thinks by having a cousin and friends in school, she is in a stronger social position. The fact that she is using that to make your DD scared is pretty crappy of her. Maybe she just hadn't really thought this through, but I would very much concentrate on strengthening other friendships for your DD. Speak to your friend and see what further she has done. I would also contact the pastoral team in the high school to make them aware- concentrate on being factual and the impact on your DD rather than about the other girls. They will have done/ be doing their class groups so let them know asap.
You can't stop other people's behaviour realistically- but you can teach your child how to navigate these situations, and these people- because there are lots of mean people about sadly

It's not healthy for your dd to be so reliant on one friend - and this one sounds like she's becoming more trouble than she's worth. And her mum sounds ... not great too.

Encourage your dd to make new friends, and I'd tell her that her friend sent these messages, and goes she think a real friend would do this?

Sounds like you need to raise your own boundaries too.

Have they found out which tutor groups they are in yet? I think if it was my DD I’d be inclined to have a word with her current teacher to ask if there’d be any merit in having the girls put in different tutors for high school. Sometimes when kids are so close they rely on each other, primary teachers do recommend they are split up to encourage new friendships anyway.

It’s amazing how even the sweetest Y6 can change when they get into Y7. This girl has shown what she’s capable off and I don’t think I’d be quick to write it off as her ‘learning to navigate a new phone’.

They sound awful. Report this to the school and speak to your DD about making healthy friendship choices...maybe it’s a perfect time for her to find some new friends??

It sounds like the BF instigated this whole thing. Why not ask her cousin and instead do this very sly thing. I really think you need to get a hold of the mother and let her know well before. In fact all 3 girls and parents probably need to have a sit down and sort this out before school starts so everyone knows where they stand. And definitely also let the new school know too. Your dd hating and dreading school before it starts, should not be acceptable.
This needs to be nipped in the bud rather than wait and see.