Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous?

24 replies

EKnaring · 31/05/2024 22:54

I’m currently pregnant, and me and my partner work at the same place.

We have a female colleague who I used to get on with a lot better, but then I’m not sure what happened or can’t remember (perhaps as I was absent last summer) but my partner and her became friends. She has a partner and seems happy with that.

Now, my partner and this colleague will go for drinks together just the two of them. They also seem to message constantly on teams on the days the colleague is in.

In the past I’ve felt slightly jealous by their outings, as it’s what me and my partner used to do. I’m spurred on to do this post because they had another one tonight where I think they must have met at about six and I don’t think my partner has left to come home yet, but he won’t be too long apparently.

I can’t help but feel jealous still. I know she’s in a happy relationship as far as I know and myself and my partner are too. And yet…! It just makes me think, what are they talking about for four or five hours? Today he even took a back door key with him like he knew he’d be back late which he never does.

Again, I trust him and I don’t think anything is going on but their friendship bothers me. I feel resentful towards her as well. Like if I was included in the outings and friendship happenings who knows maybe it would be different but now I just feel like I dislike her because she initiates it all towards him and it’s like their friendship and my jealousy puts me off being friends with her

How do I get over this jealousy? I know it isn’t fair to feel this way because a friendship can exist fine between a man and woman especially when they’re both taken.

another small thing which I’m clearly overthinking because of my feelings, but recently the colleague tries to talk to me via teams and it usually happens on a Friday when my partner doesn’t work, today on the day they’re drinking, no messages from her

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 31/05/2024 22:56

Ask him what’s going on.

Screamingabdabz · 31/05/2024 23:13

Don’t be too quick to tie yourself into a pretzel to deny your feelings because “…a friendship can exist fine between a man and woman”. Yes that can happen but he’s choosing to be out drinking with her, rather than being at home with you, his pregnant partner. I’m not sure I’d be happy with that, especially if it was happening regularly and he seemed super keen to ‘work late’ rather than being with you.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 31/05/2024 23:16

If you were friends and then it dropped off once she'd managed to become friends with your partner, it sounds like she's trying muscle in on him. Her having a partner means nothing.

Not saying he's being unfaithful of course, but you are pregnant, and that's a vulnerable time. I think she's exploiting it to work on him.

Original poster
EKnaring · 31/05/2024 23:29

Thanks for your replies so far! I should say, the drinks aren’t regular or often really which leads me to feel even worse for my feelings

OP posts:
K37529 · 31/05/2024 23:32

Your feeling are normal, I don’t know any woman that would be ok with this.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 31/05/2024 23:38

I'm not surprised you are uneasy with their relationship. Frequent messaging and going out drinking together. And you are excluded from their friendship.
It sounds like an emotional affair developing at the very least.
How does your partner feel about the pregnancy?

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/05/2024 23:39

Fuck that.

Ferngardens · 31/05/2024 23:53

Women of course can be friends with men, I have quite a few male friends but I am always conscious of their partners or girlfriends if they've had them and far more likely to invite them, do things as families or coffee rather than whole evenings out. Being taken doesn't always count for a lot, I have two work colleagues having an affair and both married outside work. Regardless they should be respectful to you and you deserve to have the support and attention of your partner.

susiemamma · 31/05/2024 23:59

Nope. I would not be happy with this.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2024 00:03

as it’s what me and my partner used to do
Why don't you any more?
Have you had the conversation of your expectations once baby is here re him helping at bedtimes etc and not just off living his best life?

Intothevalley · 01/06/2024 00:08

I am an advocate of platonic attracted-sex relationships. e.g. I have plenty of male friends, some of them I see 1:1 for lunch, or drinks, etc.

But I do NOT have a special male friend, who stands out as being one I'm closer to, or that I see more than others, or that I'd choose to have a long evening with 1:1.

I'd feel jealous (and suspicious) if this was my DH.

Screamingabdabz · 01/06/2024 08:39

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 31/05/2024 23:16

If you were friends and then it dropped off once she'd managed to become friends with your partner, it sounds like she's trying muscle in on him. Her having a partner means nothing.

Not saying he's being unfaithful of course, but you are pregnant, and that's a vulnerable time. I think she's exploiting it to work on him.

Interesting that you automatically assume it’ll be her “exploiting it to work on him” rather than him just being a dick thinking about his dick.

It’s so weird to me that it’s so ingrained in some people’s minds this idea of some predatory young woman (I’ve never met one in my whole life) and a man who will just be bewitched into being unfaithful against his will (again I’ve never met one). The reality is that a grown man with a pregnant partner has choices to make and the decisions he takes are his alone.

Myblindsaredown · 01/06/2024 08:43

K37529 · 31/05/2024 23:32

Your feeling are normal, I don’t know any woman that would be ok with this.

This is just such a ridiculous answer, judging all women. I’m a woman and I’d be ok with it, for me you can have friends of the opposite sex.

op, it doesn’t seem you’re jealous as you think something is going on, but more you’re missing out and are not included.

do you have friends you go out with?

K37529 · 01/06/2024 10:50

Myblindsaredown · 01/06/2024 08:43

This is just such a ridiculous answer, judging all women. I’m a woman and I’d be ok with it, for me you can have friends of the opposite sex.

op, it doesn’t seem you’re jealous as you think something is going on, but more you’re missing out and are not included.

do you have friends you go out with?

Show quote history

I’m not judging all woman, I said I don’t know any woman who would be ok with this. If you’d be ok with this then thats great, but I’m pretty sure you’re in the minority. Her feelings are normal. She doesn’t need to get over the jealousy, she needs to tell her partner how she feels, and if he’s a good partner he should care how this makes her feels and stop doing it.

Myblindsaredown · 01/06/2024 10:52

K37529 · 01/06/2024 10:50

I’m not judging all woman, I said I don’t know any woman who would be ok with this. If you’d be ok with this then thats great, but I’m pretty sure you’re in the minority. Her feelings are normal. She doesn’t need to get over the jealousy, she needs to tell her partner how she feels, and if he’s a good partner he should care how this makes her feels and stop doing it.

Show quote history

I guess people are friends with folks like them, I don’t know anyone who thinks you can’t have friends of the opposite sex.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 01/06/2024 11:06

Myblindsaredown · 01/06/2024 08:43

This is just such a ridiculous answer, judging all women. I’m a woman and I’d be ok with it, for me you can have friends of the opposite sex.

op, it doesn’t seem you’re jealous as you think something is going on, but more you’re missing out and are not included.

do you have friends you go out with?

Show quote history

Of course people can have friends of the opposite sex.
But in this case op's partner is prioritising this woman over his pregnant partner. He is excluding her from the friendship with the woman. His first loyalty should be to his partner.

K37529 · 01/06/2024 11:14

Where exactly did I say you can’t have friends of the opposite sex? Me and my partner do have friends of the opposite sex, but I wouldn’t spend 5-6 hours of alone time with a male friend and not include my partner in the friendship. And if I did and he told me he was uncomfortable with it I would respect how he feels, and either stop meeting up with that friend for the 5-6 hours alone, or just invite him along 🤷‍♀️

AFmammaG · 01/06/2024 11:25

I would not be happy about this. The messages on teams and the drinks alone… feels like it’s creeping into emotional affair territory.
My ex DH did have an affair with a work colleague though so I may be biased.

MsDogLady · 02/06/2024 02:03

@EKnaring, it sounds like they are sidelining you to build their connection. I too would feel very unsettled.

You and she were friends until she established a bond with your H. You and he used to go out together until he began meeting her for special nights out.

You are at home pregnant while he is out with her for extended hours, which he must have predicted as he changed his routine by taking the back door key. Their constant messaging at work completes the picture of inappropriate investment. This sounds like an EA at the least.

@EKnaring, I would address his unacceptable behavior asap. Have you ever checked their messages on his phone?

YaMuvva · 02/06/2024 02:04

This is awful OP. Happy couples don’t behave that way. Why are you putting up with this?!

Relaxd · 02/06/2024 02:17

Roll on the people craving your instant splitting up. I have a best friend at work who is a guy, would never be anything romantic. Our partners are fine about it and has been this way now for well over ten years. I’m hugely grateful I have a partner who just trusts me and that this is a non issue for us! We very occasionally meet up as a 4 but people need space with their mates too. I think it’s natural to feel a bit jealous here but I’d focus on developing your other friendships and talk to him about making time for each other too. If you are jealous because you don’t trust him then that is another separate matter to be dealt with.

Luio · 02/06/2024 07:24

I think you should tell your partner in a non-accusatory way that it is starting to make you feel a little uncomfortable. It is completely reasonable for you to feel this way. If he is very defensive and angry about it then I would be worried. If it is just a work friendship then it should be a very easy conversation to have.

Didimum · 02/06/2024 08:10

How often do they go? Do you ever go with them and do you/he do the same with any other colleagues and friends one on one?

Depending on the above, in my opinion it’s not appropriate to do this when you’re in a long term, committed relationship.

PrueRamsay · 02/06/2024 08:15

I wouldn’t accept this in a relationship.

Have you discussed with him recently?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page