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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm expected to work but my ex isn't

4 replies

cadburyegg · 31/05/2024 22:21

FWIW I've always worked and I have no problem with doing so. I have a decent career. I work 30 hrs due to childcare. Receive a small amount of UC to cover wraparound care basically.

Lots in the media about how people are expected to earn more if they want to keep receiving benefits. This doesn't affect me because I already earn over the threshold. I'm also very fortunate to live in an area where holiday clubs and wraparound care exist, and to work for an understanding employer. Lots of other single parents don't have these things.

I totally forgot to upload proof of my childcare costs in time this month so I won't get these back in my next payment. My fault entirely ofc. But wow, I am drowning. I forget stuff like this all the time. Stuff I never would have forgotten about before. The tooth fairy is always late. I have been fortunate enough to have been pretty healthy most of my life but I have taken 8 days off sick in the last year, (genuine illness) if I have 2 more before August then HR will get involved. I am run down and exhausted most of the time. I have so much to do, so much to remember. I try my best to give them a good childhood.

My ex husband on the other hand. Quit his job last year to become self employed. CMS have said he doesn't have to pay maintenance because he's in a self employed start up period and presumably claims some benefits from this. He has the children EOW plus a bit more in the holidays. When he has them they are in front of a screen for most of the day and live off pizza and chocolate pancakes. No homework gets done. He has a 6 figure sum in his bank account from our divorce settlement and in the last 6 months has bought a new car and been on holiday with his girlfriend. I have told CMS all this, they aren't interested and just say he owes me nothing.

How can this be right? So a completely line parent of young children are expected to work near enough full time even if there is no childcare available. But my ex can seemingly put his feet up for a year, not bother looking after his children other than the bare minimum and that's seemingly fine?

If I sound hugely resentful it's because I am.

OP posts:
thisisreallygross · 01/06/2024 06:12

If you were determined you could stop working too

babyproblems · 01/06/2024 06:15

YANBU. It’s a shit system that penalises women and resident single parents. It lets (mostly male) parents who can’t be arsed totally off the hook and punishes the other parent. The CMS is a joke. There’s lots of posters who can relate to what you’ve said. Lots of luck to you xx

StormingNorman · 01/06/2024 07:59

CMS really doesn’t hold men to a high enough standard. You have every right to be pissed off. Either he can afford to give up his job or not, and if he can’t afford to feed and house his children, he can’t afford the indulgence of giving up work while he builds this business.

BookArt · 01/06/2024 09:26

I feel your pain. My ex didn't pay cms and bought himself a VR headset and other fun things. I went to CMS, naively thinking it would solve my financial problems... Nope, despite a month's notice the first month he doesn't have to pay anything, oh and it is in arrears too (but the wraparound care and nursery bills I don't get to pay in arrears). Finally get the first payment and the month he missed since I applied to CMS because of the weird way they work it is split over the next year, which doesn't help me as I am in debt for this money as without childcare I can't work. And ex spent the money on surround sound and other fun bits.
CMS is a joke. The system is definitely set up to penalise the main parent.

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