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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who pays for a baby shower?

38 replies

Firstbaby129 · 31/05/2024 18:50

I think context is important here so I hope I explain well.

I have always loved hosting and always covered all costs associated. However, apart from best friend (BF), this isn’t reciprocated. Whilst my friendship group are all 29-32, I’m the first married and having a baby. We all live in London or nearby (I’m the furthest out).

For birthdays etc, I will always cover the costs if I host. If we agree to go for a meal then everyone pays for themselves. I don’t have a large friendship group, but individual friends who have got to know each other due to birthdays, hens, overlapping circles etc.

I usually don’t “get” baby showers, they felt like mothers meetings to me. But I have seen such lovely celebrations other people have had on social media and felt sad. My BF and I agreed it would be nice to celebrate in my own way. This means just having a meal or something in celebration of the baby but not centring everything on those games you play, but just a general celebration with some baby chat thrown in - men allowed.

I decided to host in London city as to not inconvenience anyone but myself. BF has found a venue with a nice space and we can have a chilled Sunday afternoon with food and drink. However, I would feel aggrieved to cover the bill. I’m happy to pay a chunk towards food/drink, Bf has offered to cover the deposit (which I won’t agree to), but if friends eat meals I want them to pay for themselves as I’ve always had to do. This would be upfront so up to them to come and I wouldn’t expect gifts.

Is this entirely unreasonable?

YABU - you should always pay.
YANBU - as long as they know, it’s reasonable.

OP posts:
Roundroundthegarden · 31/05/2024 19:47

My friends always hosted and paid for it along with my dh. Both were a surprise too. I wouldn't want one if I had to pay and host. However I do think if you are inviting someone you should pay. Can you not do platters of food instead of individual meals? I had both hosted at friends homes though they did have the space for it.

LordSnot · 31/05/2024 19:48

Forget about a baby shower. They're tacky and awful so why would you brand a meal out in that way?

Just ask who wants to meet up for a meal before you go on mat leave/ get busy with a newborn. It's the custom in your group that you all pay so that's what will happen.

TipsyKoala · 31/05/2024 19:56

Agree with others, don’t call it a baby shower as by what you describe it’s not (it sounds much nicer!). Just say you’d like to go for a meal as a last get-together before you have the baby, suggest the venue and state the average cost. I’m guessing this shouldn’t be sn issue as you always each pay for yourselves anyway.

Original poster
Firstbaby129 · 31/05/2024 21:01

Roundroundthegarden · 31/05/2024 19:47

My friends always hosted and paid for it along with my dh. Both were a surprise too. I wouldn't want one if I had to pay and host. However I do think if you are inviting someone you should pay. Can you not do platters of food instead of individual meals? I had both hosted at friends homes though they did have the space for it.

I would happily host at mine but I get a lot of moans about living outside the city (Home Counties)

I am happy to not call it a baby shower and wouldn’t use that term, just easier for people to know it’s about the baby.

I’d love someone else to organise it for me but alas!

OP posts:
Original poster
Firstbaby129 · 31/05/2024 21:04

meditrina · 31/05/2024 19:07

You should never host your own baby shower.

It's a specific type of events where the guests "shower" the honouree with gifts. Hosting your own is saying "gimme"

If you want to host a non-shower party to celebrate your soon-to-arrive baby, don't call it a shower, and you as host pick up the tab.

If you want a shower, and don't wat to look grabby, then you have to nudge someone else to host it. It is then their role to sort out costs between herself as host and the other guests

I wish someone would host but I’m the only one in a house, friends are in flats / house shares, so they couldn’t ever host it. All are very financially well off but haven’t got to the same life stage (I live outside to buy property).

A space in a restaurant felt most appropriate because of this. BF is organising with my input.

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 31/05/2024 21:08

I've only been to one and they covered costs. To be honest, I find them a bit naff in general and would be aggrieved to have to pay. While you might say 'no gifts needed' for me it would be a faux pas to show up empty handed, in the same way I would always bring something for a birthday celebration.

If you don't want to pay, could you suggest a lovely meal out as a group as a "last supper of freedom from kids" vibe catch up? That I wouldn't mind paying my way for. Though if you are hiring a hall and want it to be about the baby it sounds like you want to usual festivities that don't do it for me.

MuggleMe · 31/05/2024 21:08

I'd position it as a last chance to get together before baby comes, as a baby shower should really be organised by a friend.

Kitkat1523 · 31/05/2024 21:20

This isn’t a baby shower….if you want to host this then expect to shell out money for it

Hotttchoc · 31/05/2024 21:30

Someone hosted one for me at their insistence. A nice afternoon tea and we all paid for ourselves although I thought if I had organised I would have probably asked everyone to put in extra and pay for the mother to be especially since I was adamant I didn't want a shower and they insured we do something...

YankSplaining · 31/05/2024 21:45

As the user name indicates, I’m American. A meal to celebrate the baby is not a baby shower; a baby shower involves each guest bringing a gift for the baby, and should never be hosted by the pregnant mother, her mother, her sister, her grandmother, her sister-in-law, her mother-in-law, or her grandmother-in-law. Aunts, cousins, and/or friends should host, and no one should have to pay to attend or pay for food. They’ve already contributed by bringing a gift for the baby.

If you invite people to a dinner to celebrate the baby, I think you should pay. Asking someone to pay for the privilege of celebrating your baby seems odd to me.

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2024 21:55

This isn’t a baby shower but a get together whilst you are pregnant.

As long as people know in advance that they are paying, they can decide whether to join you or not. Therefore, YANBU. However, anytime that you are hosting you really should be the one to pay and you definitely can’t expect people to pay for their evening and also pay to provide baby gifts.

Is there really much point in going ahead? It’s not a baby shower and you aren’t going to pay for people to see you, despite really being the host.

Luxell934 · 31/05/2024 22:10

What you are describing isn't a baby shower though, it's just a meal out with friends before you have your baby that they have to pay for themselves and you say you are not expecting any gifts so really what's the point in hiring somewhere. Just book a restaurant for a normal meal together.

CammoMammo · 31/05/2024 22:29

It’s a bit like inviting people to your wedding and asking them to pay for their meal.

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